Review: Piranha 3D (2010)

Piranha 3D – 2010
Alexandre Aja

The movie opens with a clever cameo that suggests that even if you’ve survived Jaws, you still don’t stand a chance against fucking piranha. Piranha who are prehistoric, and are set loose from their cave after an earthquake to wreak bloody havoc on Spring Breakers. It’s directed by French horror genius Alexandre Aja, has a cast that includes Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, “Hollywood Treasure” Jerry O’Connell, Dina Meyer, Paul Scheer, Christopher Lloyd, and Eli Roth, there were early reports that up to 80,000 gallons of blood had been used, and it’s in fucking 3D! I was about as excited for this movie as I’ve ever been for anything. I’m pretty sure I had higher expectations for this than I have ever had for any movie. And those expectations were fucking met! It gave me all of the 3D gore and tits I could ever dream of, complete with a sense of campy fun and some genuine nail-digging tension.

Dina Meyer (from Johnny Mnemonic and Starship Troopers) and Ving Rhames don’t get quite enough to do, but I was glad to see Elisabeth Shue and Adam Scott with significant roles, both of which were surprisingly badass. Christopher Lloyd also has limited screen time, but he makes the most of it by being as Christopher Lloyd-ish as ever. The deaths are gross and fantastic, and it’s not all fish-teeth doing the damage, but a variety of creative kills caused by panic in the water during an unrelenting scene of incredible carnage. It’s also not all girls contributing to the nudity, and the best 3D gag of the film comes courtesy of the chewed up dick of a sleazy softporn entrepreneur not so loosely based on scumbag Joe Francis (who is trying to sue the movie for implying he deserves to have this happen to him). The film hits every single note just right, all the way to the flawlessly silly final shot. I had declared this film the Best of 2010 as soon as it was announced more than a year ago, and I have now been proven completely right.

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