Things That Are Neat: Dogs!

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A lot of people have been talking smack about dogs lately, and I’m here to set the record straight.  Dogs are awesome, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar and a fool and probably not that nice a guy.  So, yeah, forget those people.  They suck.  But if this isn’t enough proof for you, HERE! Here are the top three reasons Dogs are AWESOME.

1.  DOG EARS:  Oh man, have you ever touched a dog’s ears?  I’m not talkin’ about getting on the inside.  That’s just kinda gross and I don’t think the dog likes it all that much either.  I’m talkin’ about the outside, behind the ear.  Oh, man, that stuff is SO SOFT. I could just pet that for days on end.  Even better?  That little mound of hair where the ear attaches to the head — it’s even softer and there’s MORE of it.  AND dogs often really like that area scratched.  I’ve heard it’s because sometimes fleas hang out there, but even if a dog has been recently washed, he’ll STILL love that area being pet, so I don’t know.  I’m tempted to chalk that up to even more anti-dog propaganda.

2.  DOG TAILS:  Tails are pretty awesome too.  There’s that stupid “what are little boys made of” rhyme that always has kinda cheezed me off, where it’s “snips and snails and puppy-dog tails”.  They make it sound like those are bad things.  Well, maybe snips are, no one knows what that even means anymore.  Like, leftovers?  What?  And snails are pretty rad, too.  And so are puppy dog tails, except that this implies that they’re being REMOVED FROM THE PUPPY DOG, which, man, NO.  Leave your dog’s tail alone.  (Same goes for the ears, cause some folks like to dock those too.  Man, you want me to come cut up YOUR ears?  Yeah, I didn’t think so.  Why you think a dog wants that?)   BUT ANYWAY: Dog tails, when still attached, are pretty awesome.  Not only are they a good mood indicator, they’re pretty cool looking, in all different sorts.  And, honestly, have you ever been beat with a long-tailed dog’s wagging?  It’s a pretty cool feeling.  It’s soft and friendly and just generally neat.  Short-tailed dogs aren’t left out either!  My dog Hal has a very short tail (he’s a rat terrier I got from the pound — ALWAYS GO TO THE POUND or other rescue groups I AM NOT KIDDING HERE PEOPLE — and at first I thought his tail was docked, but I’m not sure, since after reading about ratties, it turns out that some ratties naturally have a short tail.  So I don’t know.  His ears, however, are not docked, so that’s a good thing) — and it’s fun to watch him wag, because it’s this little fat finger that just goes back and forth at a high rate.  Like, Doc Brown could put a flux capacitor on that thing and have a time-travellin’ dog.  That would RULE.  But then I’d miss Hal.  So I guess it’s good that Doc Brown is just made up and Hal is real.

3.  DOG EMOTIONS:  There’s a study that shows that dogs have a sense of justice!  That’s pretty awesome.  I don’t know if that counts as an emotion, but why not?  I guess the hurt of being at the receiving end of injustice is an emotion.  But regardless!  I dunno if a lot of things have really been said about this and other dog emotions  and perhaps this is why dog-smack-talk has been allowed to persist.  But that’s one of my favorite things about dogs, and, well, cats, and animals in general — a lot of ‘em are really in tune with everyone else’s emotions, and they’ll come and comfort you if you’re sad or sick, and it’s really cool.  They’re just really good friends.  With tails and ears that are, as mentioned, wicked rad.  I love dogs!

Armed with these three reasons, if anyone is all “Oh, I don’t know, dogs suck” you can print this out and shove it in their face and go BOO-YAH!  DOGS! (I don’t know if people still say “Boo-yah”.  I know Cyborg did on Teen Titans and that show was almost as awesome as dogs.)

And be sure to adopt a dog, because saving a dog’s life is awesome.  (And, I dunno, if you wanted, you could get some sort of weird power-kick out of it, being all “I SAVED YOU!  YOU OWE ME!” to the dog, but, man, what are you, some kind of jerk?  Be cool.  Jerk.)

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