Things That Are Neat: Breasts!
Rat nursing

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Man, breasts are awesome.  I mean I know a lot of people know this and all but sometimes things require saying.  Everyone’s got ’em, so that’s kinda cool, and also they come in all sorts of different sizes and shapes and shades.   None of ’em is any better than any other, but it’s the variety that’s pretty cool.  So yeah.  It’s kinda weird that people seem to like looking at ’em so much, but I think that’s just part of the way folks are wired to keep the species goin’.  Folks like lookin’ at skin and when it’s the skin of others, especially so.  (This isn’t so much true when the skin’s not actually attached to someone.  I saw a thing where Penn Jillette was showing off the stuff in his house and he had a hunk of skin with a tattoo on it framed and I thought that it was kind of cool, since it’s somethin’ weird, but I could totally see where a bunch of people would be all NO THANK YOU PENN WHY DON’T YOU HAVE SOME NICE ART LIKE A PICASSO ON YOUR WALL.)

But breasts are better than just random skin!  They’re soft usually, and even if they’re all muscley, usually the skin itself is soft, so if you go for that sort of thing, my point still stands.  But not only that, but they all have a purpose, at least on the lady half of the species and then only some of the time I guess, but they produce milk for babies!  That’s pretty awesome.  You can’t feed someone with your elbow or your back or the sole of your foot.  Not even a baby, and babies don’t eat that much.  Breasts are it for babies.  I wonder what that feels like.  I mean, it must be a little weird?  I don’t know.  Either way, it’s pretty cool.  I can’t feed nobody.  Well, not on my own anyway.  I could like, make you ramen or something, but I can’t be all EAT OF MY BODY AND DRINK ALSO OF MY BODY OR RATHER THE LIQUID THAT COMES FROM IT.  Unless like, it’s a baby vampire but those don’t exist so that’s just stupid.  Stop being stupid.

The cool thing is that not just people have breasts!  All mammals do!  That’s why they’re called mammals!  Because they got mammaries (that’s fancy-talk for breast).  Birds also have breasts, but that’s different, since that’s just what they call the front bit — it doesn’t actually make milk or anything.  They might as well just call that part the upper-chicken-belly or something, but people’d probably feel dumb when they were ordering fried chicken and wanted two upper-chicken-bellies.  That said, the breast is my favorite part of the fried chicken, too, but that’s kinda irrelevant, since we’re talkin’ about real breasts here, not non-mammalian quote-unquote breasts.

Back to mammals:  Cows got breasts too, but totally different than what you typically think of which is kinda cool.  I think a lot of people don’t even really realize that the udder of a cow is a breast.  Though I guess that goes against what I said earlier, since bulls don’t have even vestigial udders or anything.  Huh.  Now I’m just kinda confused.  Wait, do they?  Do bulls have, like, a deflated udder stuck to their belly?  This is totally why I should have been a vet.  Then I’d know these things, and I’d know why a goat has a weird pupil.  Cows and horses have the same thing too.  I wonder if there’s a correlation between weird pupils and udders instead of straight-up breasts like other animals and people have.  There are many mysteries to life.


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