The Contender—The Concrete Cubes (Transcript)

Will Riley 

I write a few creative projects on the side. None of them have really gone anywhere. When I write them though, I frequent a cafe in North van. It’s in an outdoor mall, which I’ve often visited since I was four. It’s nothing special. Just a supermarket here, a liquor store there. A teriyaki place with one cheaper chain teriyaki place next door, slowly edging it out of the market. All of it is built around one big parking lot. But behind the supermarket are a bunch of large nondescript concrete cubes several storeys tall, they’re all painted in neutral beige, except for single digit numbers painted in each one’s top corners in an equally neutral sans serif font. Despite being so massive, you’d be forgiven for not noticing they were even there. It took me far longer than it should have to realize that each of these cubes was an indoor movie set. Thing is, that’s exactly what those studios want. Once you look at the mini mall, you realize the supermarket has built this tall, the liquor store painted this color, the restaurants place just so all to hide the fact that something creative is happening here, maybe even $1 or two changing hands. The Universal backlot it’s not no Roman centurions chatting up women dressed in spacesuits here, all the props and set dressing are left inside and away from public eyes. Even when the studios need to let people know where they are, they do it as subtly as possible posting signs only slightly larger than a standard envelope with a little arrow on it that says iZombie. The mall used to have a movie theater, but then they closed and it was replaced with a winner’s, which is a clothing store that gets it stocked from the dumpsters of other clothing stores and passes up to 10% of the savings on to the customer. I think I realized now that this was an escalation of this camouflage for all the normies walking around, it all might as well be a second parking lot, not a backline so there I am with a coffee and a laptop, tapping away on a project that will probably never get off the ground, struggling to make something out of myself. And those big concrete silos mocked me with their silence. I’ve often casually complained about how hard making it in Vancouver is. And sometimes I’m told I haven’t done the right networking, haven’t properly found my way into the industry. But the industry is right there next door. I know where it is. The thing is, they’ve done everything they can to pretend they’re not even there. You say I haven’t knocked the right doors. I’ve knocked on them and the lights are on. But the residents are pretending nobody’s home. One day when I was sitting around stewing in this idea, I went to the counter to order a pastry to try and get my mind off. But imagine my surprise when instead of walking into the kitchen to get it, the barista opened a cellar door beneath him and walked underground, down a set of stairs I didn’t know were even there in all my years as a customer. curiosity got the better of me. I opened the door and slowly made my way down to see what was up. It was way darker than I’d expected. And the tunnels were winding forking this way in that overall strange. The deeper I walked in, the more lost I got, the more convinced I was that this was a dire mistake. Eventually my phone screen was useless to light my way. Painted symbols appeared on the walls getting more chaotic and illegible. As I crept further and further into the darkness. I could have just stayed put. I could have just sip my coffee and stayed warm. But now I was last here with no idea where I was and what would become of me. I came across a huge metal door with a wheel valve in the center. There was nowhere else I could go. I gripped the heavy wheel and felt the skin of my palms crack as I pushed it leftwards creaking with every quarter turn


Will Riley 

as the door finally opened, I found myself in a busy room full of people milling about huge chroma key green backdrops hung from the ceiling and a large wooden prop spaceship hung up in front of it. In front of it was a large industrial movie camera and a smaller DSLR off to the side. I found the barista guide followed consulting with the key grip noticing I was there he took his headphones off and handed me my pastry on a plate. Sorry for the delay sir In this underground film set, the barista told me, bashfully was a newer part of the Vancouver Film industry. So many movies are made in the same sort of green screen rooms that where it gets filmed is really only determined by where it’s cheapest to do it. If the Vancouver tax credits are insufficient, you can take your production onto these underground sets and get more of a generous deal. Under the table, of course, then you just claim you feel the things some random place like, I don’t know, Atlanta, Georgia or something. And nobody in the press is going to ask questions. You really thought they filmed that last sequence of tar in the Philippines. Now, that was our Squamish branch. Everybody’s getting in on it. I mean, look at this place. Would you believe no, Abom back is directing here. Uh, no, a bomb back movie with a spaceship. I asked. He’s going in a new direction. The barista told me. He co wrote Madagascar three. Did you know that? Yes, yes. I did know that. Listen, look. I was wondering, and just to be clear, I promise I’m not going to snitch on this operation. Either way. I found you guys. And I know it’s all rather hush hush, but I’ve got some qualifications, you know, and I was curious if there was anything I could do around here. Yeah, even something low level and I could, you know, work my way up.


Will Riley 

The barista clicked his tongue and gave me a look I’d recognize all too well. No, I’m sorry. We don’t have any openings right now. But make sure to keep an eye on our LinkedIn page. I’m sure you’re very qualified. But we do all of our hiring through that. All right. Well, we don’t do any hiring on site. See you later. You enjoy the rest of your day now. Okay. Yep. Bye bye.



Anyone in danger. Danger. Danger, danger. Danger hasn’t come home yet.


Will Riley 

Everybody, infinite danger again. We’ll hear a little bit of interesting news. Nothing particularly danger Bay related per se, but it does touch on some of the stuff that I did in my previous podcasting career. The Video Game prank had a pretty big DLC update recently. After



today’s kidnapping, the founders have finally authorized the use of deadly force. It’s showtime.


Will Riley 

You’ve probably heard in the news that they brought on Yoko Toro, the man who directed Drake and guard the near games have you played voice of cards voice of cards is kind of nice. But the main point is that you’ve probably seen in near and in a lot of the other games that Yoko Tara has directed a frequent directors trademark where in order to get the true ending or to advance the plot, they asked the player to delete all their saved data in the game. He’s done that in his own games. He’s done it in a few phone games that he’s been asked to assist with in previous projects. So you’ll Kotaro propose something similar to the brink devs. And after a bit of thought about it, they went, you know, we can’t do that. Brink is to multinational, it’s too huge. It would cause a lot of difficulty in the global economy. So they struck sort of a compromise. Now, in brink, you can’t advance through the game anymore. Unless you delete all the other games that aren’t break from your hard drive. It’s showtime. And it seems to be working pretty successfully for them. They’ve deleted lots of data and they’re really just making money hand over fist now. They really have just blown out the competition they’re doing. They’re doing gangbusters. I mean, good on Yoko. Tara.



You’re the captain weapons hot shoot to kill. Where’s this place we’re going to again fish farm visitor center when we had visitors and fish. Let’s get this over with fish.


Will Riley 

Today’s episode of danger Bay is called the contender. This is the fifth episode that actually got aired. But to show you why I’ve been telling you the production code Every episode, the previous episodes production code was one dash 003. And you can sort of see first season third episode of the first season makes sense. The production code for this episode is two, two dash zero 30. We are now skipping an entire season’s worth of episodes to get to this one. We went from the third episode they filmed to the 30th episode they filmed in one fell swoop. This is a weird thing about production codes for this show. Usually the way a production code goes is that you just say, okay, a Mystery Science Theater episode 912. That means night season 12 episode of the ninth season here, two dash zero 30 means it’s the 30th episode ever filmed. The first number switches over to two because it’s a second slate of episodes, there is no official first or second or third season. As far as we understand it. This is how much confidence the CBC had for the future prospects of this show. Obviously, not only did they immediately commissioned a second slate of episodes, what would normally be a second season, but they actually decided to start pulling episodes out of that second season prospectively and putting it into the first. The fact that they’re doing this in a show with child stars to me is pretty wild, because obviously the kids are visibly older in this episode. In fact, you can also immediately see the difference in in Donnelly Rhodes is appearance right off the bat, the makeup department will have made all these changes to how he looks they actually let him have green temples this time, they’re not going to go as crazy with the hair dye. But all of that is going to disappear in the next episode as we go 30 episodes back in time again, the director of this episode of danger Bay is Alan Eastman again, I already talked about Alan Eastman, in my episode three, podcast, all the stuff that I said before still applies, you know, night man, all of that he also directed the salmon mystery episode last time, which I’ve neglected to mention because obviously Chris haddock was sort of the star player of that episode. The writer of this particular show is a man named elf Harris and I’m not going to go too deep into it right now. But this man’s main claim to fame in the industry is being the lead writer for a CBC show called Space Command way back in 1953.



Challenging the stars themselves spaceship here’s the boss blackness of interstellar space. Such ships as the excess wy exploring the uncharted regions of outer space fall from Earth. In search of signs of another intelligent race. We found two planets here There must be more. I thought for sure that I mean more than two planets around this sun.



And then because you’re used to us nine



Well, I could have been done anything Frank. No. Two pints are better than nothing. No sign of another race.


Will Riley 

He’s writing this episode in 1984. We’ll see how that sort of effects. What this episode looks and sounds like later on. There’s another person with a story credit here, whose name is Alan McGee. And this guy is going to actually be pretty successful. He’s going to go on to be one of the creative consultants for Trailer Park Boys if you can believe it. As far as I can tell, he’s only ever been a creative consultant and a story editor sometimes, as far as Canadian TV is concerned. He never ever explicitly takes a writer credit now I’m not sure if this is the exact Alan McGee because this episode isn’t even on his IMDB page, but he is the only Canadian Alan McGee in the industry I can find to me it seemed weird at first that he wouldn’t include danger Bay and his priors. But you know a lot of people actually do this. I mean, once you finish work on a globe spanning media property like danger Bay, you get scared of being typecast. You know, it’s like all those people who have trouble finding work after Star Trek. Alan McGee is probably having his I am not Spock period right now. I mean, how you go to Tom Cruise’s IMDB page and all of his danger Bay roles aren’t there either. It’s pretty crazy that he can get away with that. In this intro, I I’d like to mostly talk about one of the guest stars William Taylor because he will provide a very good vertical slice of what being an actor in Vancouver is actually like if I were you.



I’d give it a lot of thought with


Will Riley 

the presence of William Taylor here. I suppose it does bear noting that this the fifth episode aired and the 30th episode filmed. This is the first instance that we actually see a black person speak on this show, there are black characters in the background from early on in danger bad some of them are even referred to and given names.



Okey doke, would you clean it up, please.


Will Riley 

But this is the first time that a black person actually says anything in this show. No sign of another race. I suppose you could say the meat and potatoes of William Taylor’s acting career as far as where he made most of his money was that he was a voice actor in a slew of GI Joe episodes. Actually, he did it alongside Dale Wilson, the man who got suplexed and got a statue made out of him. The main live action place that you might recognize William Taylor’s actual face from though is from Zack Snyder’s watchmen movie which was filmed across a whole network of concrete boxes up and down Vancouver. Do you remember the prison psychiatrist that Rorschach talks to the scene where he gives his famous line almost sick and twisted? Remember that I threw a dog at a man that speech yeah that William Taylor was on the other side of the table, listening to Rorschach as he said it as far as the expanded world of the danger Bay clique is concerned. He was in a show called neon rider.


Will Riley 

Give me a call when you need to change. city kids come on off that street. Work it out to one of ocean and Hellman’s various side projects. More on another one of those side projects later, she was basically trying to find her own little bubble outside of danger bay where she could work with some independence. She was probably worried that it was becoming the Chris crab show. She wasn’t trying to hog up too much of the spotlight. So she only had a side role in the second and third season trying to basically use her global fame to direct people towards neon writer but it just never really went off the ground in the same way that danger Bay did. It practically never left the borders of Canada, the show only made hundreds of millions rather than danger Bay’s trillions. Ocean Helman was obviously pretty disappointed considering how much money got put into this show. I mean, you can hear the budget the moment you listen to the theme song which is fucking crazy neon writer is a show about a horse ranch for troubled teens. William Taylor is playing the big city corrections administrator who’s sending all these kids to this ranch.



I think I know justifies far. He’s


Will Riley 

the indirect boss of the guy who runs



the streamline the paperwork, helped the department make better use of its time he basically


Will Riley 

played the role of Chief of Police for therapy ranches in the same way. Hagen Beggs was Chief of Police for aquariums as to whether the show was a success or not. I suppose the quickest way to say this is it lasted for five seasons. But when I tried to search this show up on IMDb, the shows thumbnail the best picture that they had was a three quarter shot of a season two DVD case, a German language DVD case of that. I gotta say the obscure totally forgotten shows the folks in that country glom onto I swear it’s it’s so strange. The quick glance I made at the Wikipedia page for the show also says that it has a big fan base in Gibraltar of all places, but I figure what that actually means is that there’s like two people editing the neon writer page on Wikipedia, and one of them is from Gibraltar. Pressure, Sheldon precious.


Will Riley 

William Taylor’s closest approach to a prominent starring role outside of voice acting was the 90s Tarzan TV show. He plays one of the characters from the modern world that shows up in most of these kinds of stories. He mainly exists as someone for Tarzan to bounce fish out of water comedy bits off of now to clarify, when I say the 90s Tarzan show. This is not to be confused with the animated TV series based off of the 1999 Disney’s Tarzan, which actually ran in the early two. 1000s Around the same time as Tarzan, the live action TV show on the Wi Fi in 2003. This actually is the 1991 to 1995 Tarzan TV, which is not the same as the 1996 to 2000 Tarzan live action TV, which started immediately after the conclusion of the former, but bears no blade also bears no connection to the live action TV movie Tarzan in Manhattan although there was a TV movie, the epic adventure of Tarzan which is related to the 96 to 2000 live action TV series it bears Tarzan, Tarzan, cars, cars, cars, cars, cars, cars and cars. It was good etiquette but neither of those shows aired at the same time as the other or it might have gotten a little confusing. The 91 show I’m talking about the one that has William Taylor it is the one where there’s an accent graph over the second a and Tarzan that’s the main way you can tell them apart. powers on the second show the 96th one it doesn’t have that little line over the A. To make it more clear. Here’s a little rhyme I made to help you recognize the difference between the two Tarzan live action shows. If the second day has no slant line the Chechnya peace treaty has been signed. If on the A and accent shows Thailand’s Prime Minister has been deposed. And that really just clears everything up immediately.


Will Riley 

We start this episode with the cold open establishing that Jonah cannot help but be a winner. We are shown Jonah competing at a junior tennis championship, and he is just rinsing the guy on the other side of the court. This is an extremely local tennis championship for people who are still at high school age in a city where there aren’t really any particularly big tennis cups that get put up for grabs here. Yet apparently this little championship is big enough that it merits an entire television crew showing up and filming Jonah when Jonah wins the tennis match handily. He’s immediately celebrating. He’s getting hugged and grabbed by everybody. And he’s having a great time. Nicole and grant are watching off from the sidelines. And looking at grant you can immediately see the difference between the first season and second season filming. Because there is far less hair die inside grant Roberts head right now. He’s actually got green temples. He actually looks a lot better here than he did in the first season. But anyway, Nicole, turns over looks at grants and says



he was hard to live with before now is going to be impossible.


Will Riley 

After he wins his famously huge ego is going to get way worse. And this is a little odd to say. Up till this point in the show. We could maybe catch glimpses of the idea that Jonah had a little bit of an ego. This will be more obvious later on. But mainly he’s just been reckless. Looking for the order.



I’m gonna go take a look inside their camper genre No.


Will Riley 

mainly comes from that Lisa Simpson Bart Simpson dichotomy because Nicole is the mature one. The viewer just sort of creates a duality and Jonah instinctively, but there hasn’t really been much evidence to actually prove this idea. The main pattern that’s played out in this show so far is Jonah gets endangered as a result of his own actions. And Nicole gets endangered by happenstance ie she gets kidnapped or bit by a dog loaded with rabies. Whereas Jonah will do stuff where he just effectively kidnaps himself like he did in the previous episode to us but like 25 episodes in the past to them as such, the main exposition here ends up not being the idea that Jonah has an ego because we haven’t really had that established properly. The real main exposition here then is that the Roberts are not only have means as their living arrangement demonstrates living on their own island, but they also live the lifestyle of people of means. Jonah is becoming the prince of tennis of the Pacific Northwest. Basically, really, you might as well go whole hog with it and have him win the junior equivalent of the me Erica’s cup while you’re at it, since it’s more aquatic anyway, but you know, first season of a show budgets are tight, sorry, second season of a show. Budgets are still pretty tight. Jonah Roberts doesn’t win the America’s Cup until like season 50. And it’s a long ways away. Look, you’ve accomplished so much in your life from a fraud boat I won the America’s Cup with had a motor in it. What’s the point? After the theme song we cut to the Roberts house and danger the river otter is playing with a chewed up tennis ball. The fact that we get to see danger, the river otter, the character that this whole show is named after in two episodes in a row makes this a real rarity. It’s a treasurable moment. Anyway, danger is playing with this tennis ball. Evidently, it’s the result of Nicole trying to make some kind of message about tennis being only a game



I want to join as new tennis balls. Well, it’s one of my older ones were to do roadside dings on



it, I felt I had to make a statement. Tennessee’s after all, only a game and Jonas had has doubled in size,


Will Riley 

essentially some sort of message that she is trying to make in Jonah’s general direction that obviously he’s not going to pick up. This is a very contemporary art notion of how to send a message to somebody. I mean, obviously, it’s not crucify yourself on the back of a Volkswagen Beetle level of obtuse but I don’t think that the message is going to be received particularly clearly, especially not from Jonah. This whole contemporary art sort of struggling to make a message sort of thing. This sort of echoes ocean helmets own well publicized adulthood flings into the contemporary art space that have had sort of mixed results. The most well known thing that she made, I think was this untitled plexiglass sculpture, she made up a red crab with a birthday hat on it standing over a big pile of Duracell batteries, who was holding in its claws the words perspicacity in big 3d letters. She had a big smile on her face when she unveiled it at the Vancouver art gallery. And it’s clear that there’s some message that she thinks is about as self evident as an auditor playing with a tennis ball. I felt I had to make a statement. It did sell at auction for like $750,000 So I guess I’m not really one to judge her travails in art give me a lot of questions. It’s an understandable ambition for ocean Hillman to have. I suppose you’re sitting on top of the greatest pop media juggernaut in the world and the desire to prove you ought to be taken seriously in the world of high culture as well. Must be pretty prevalent, especially trying to do it outside of the trappings of danger. And yet, David Hockney, his painting of grant Robert suplexing, a cowboy into a pond sold for like millions more than any artwork, ocean, Hellman’s put out, so that can’t really be the whole story of Hellman’s trials in the art world. Maybe she’s just drawn to the eccentricities of that milieu. She was sort of born into eccentricity in a way, if only mild plate. I’ve really only talked about her build name of ocean Hillman before in terms of how it effectively sealed her fate to take the role. But that really isn’t actually her whole name. The name she was given at birth was let me bring this up again. Crystal ocean Supre, heavenly blue sky Helman. Not to stereotype but with a name like that one can pretty quickly grasp what sort of eternal Montessori childhood she might have had. I mean, look, she was born in the 70s. And it was in Victoria, you know what these people are like, that kind of stuff happens. The perfect type for the art world, let’s say. And I mean, really no shade to ocean here or even to her parents. It’s actually kind of a brilliant move on our parents part to give her a name like that if there was some big show about birds or airplanes in the Vancouver area. I guess she could be heavenly blue sky helmet. It’s sort of like SEO key words. But for someone’s name, it’s really forward thinking this is becoming a tangent, but to cap it off, I’ll just say out of people reaching for high art legitimacy. I take a crab and a birthday hat over Jay Z’s Picasso baby any day of the week, and Jonas head has doubled in size as Nicole and grant discuss the symbolism of a river otter playing with a tennis ball Jonah rushes in with a racket



okay, if I bring somebody aquarium after school to see the Guppy project I mean, we



usually sit down to eat our breakfast. Bar horns are working with down


Will Riley 

and eat your breakfast and he starts asking about this thing called the Guppy project tries to avoid eating breakfast so he can go straight to working on his backhand with his coach who is going to be played by William Taylor in a few seconds. Grant raises his voice at Jonah. Jonah sit and the editing on this is a little odd. It’s pretty clear that Donnelly Rhodes feels uncomfortable raising his voice at kids IRL or at Stuart Margolin for that matter if you remember him chiding him over his dog’s rabies shot But, but what’s really important to grant Donnelly Rhodes his character is this thing called the Guppy project evidently an attempt to increase protein production in the third world via various experiments with fish. What



you’ve nicknamed the Guppy Project is an important piece of work in a world where millions of people are starving. Any experiment that could lead to increased protein production is vital.


Will Riley 

Not entirely sure why they’re handing off a project like this to a teenager like it’s a high school science fair deal, but I mean, fine. I’ve actually heard about projects like this before there’s a documentary I’ve wanted to see about the social results about these kinds of experiments. I figured they must be doing pretty well though. Admittedly, I haven’t seen the movie. I’ll let you know if I have time to watch it. I think it’s called Darwin’s nightmare. A go check it out. The dialog tells us that Jonah after winning the tennis tournament, has become overconfident and has started to overextend himself under under control, isn’t it? But your



priorities aren’t? I think you’re spreading yourself too thin. And we’re worried about that yourself. Not too long ago. Do you remember that?



Sure. Sure. I still am some, but not as much as I was before I knew I was a winner by that


Will Riley 

was before I found out I was a winner. Good God. I wish I reacted to success that way. When I was a kid, whenever I did well at something I just figured people were humoring me. No Guppy projects for will I got ninth place in a spelling bee I made the greatest podcast about Bruce Lee there ever was regardless of what some busy bodies will tell you. And that’s about it. They didn’t really give me momentum anywhere. But



not as much as I was before I knew I was a winner by


Will Riley 

Nicole is not abused. Ocean Helaman gives a very first take performance of an eye roll as Jonah leaves the building. Jonah is now late to his tennis practice before school, you see him running to the tennis court that overlooks his school. Now looking at the pure white paint of this school not to mention its 1930s heritage architecture, I was able to quickly identify that this is Point Grey secondary school. Now the reason that I know this is because it gets filmed a lot by looking as old and unchanged as it does, it gives off a very official air. So it becomes a pretty peak pick for a lot of people filming in Vancouver. It’s also apparently a very good place to do some Hollywood networking. I mean, it’s a public secondary school, but they very prominently show you on their list all the people who have made it in screenwriting or acting or politics or everything that is an alumnus of this particular school. Nathan fielder went here for a time Seth Rogen went to this school and purportedly a lot of his high school life here was the material that he used to write super PAC. So it’s effectively become an elite school purely retro actively, there are various provincial politicians who have gone to the school evidently with names that I can personally recognize. So filming your TV show here is more or less a networking opportunity in and of itself, let alone going to the school. While it still has the same old facade, the school obviously looks a lot more different now in the modern era. I mean, first off, there’s a giant gold statue, we’ll all have Chris crab right in front. So that changes things out considerably. The main thing I’d like to talk about with this building, though, is the fact that it was made looking the way that it does just so grandiose and opulent was that they finished constructing it literally two months before the Great Depression started. This meant that everybody who was hired to be a teacher at this school, was sitting in this incredibly ornate for the time secondary school, and none of them were actually getting paid for teaching these kids. And there is something in that scenario, that is peak Vancouver, if you’ll forgive me for saying, you are working in basically this giant cathedral, and you might not know it, but most of the kids that you’re teaching are going to move on to become the elites of this city and of you know, art and culture, but you know, pay we I’m sorry, we don’t really have anything to put together right now. You’ll have to bear with us just take pleasure in knowing that this place that you’re in looks really good, even if we aren’t paying and I mean, that really is, you know, the Vancouver mindset stretches out into the future as well as way back into the past. And this podcast wouldn’t be what it was if I wasn’t nitpicking at potholes and stuff, but basically Point Grey secondary is as landlocked of a school as you can get in Vancouver. No school boats around



here. The school boats going to be here in about two minutes. So YouTube better get started like it’s not even


Will Riley 

at the real point gray area in Vancouver where you could at least say that there is some shore that the boat could show up and nothing here it’s it’s on a road. Anyway, Jonah runs over to the tennis court attached to this Overlook Hotel of schools and he is instantly confronted by William Taylor who plays his coach



these early morning sessions where your idea my dad wanted to talk



about priorities so do i He’s


Will Riley 

already in this sort of stubborn you know Rockies coach type of mode going on here but he’s doing a more subtle and more difficult job than is immediately appreciated. Williams has to both over work Jonah as like a strict coach here



to get you got to be to get a shot up to Junior National Championship Oh clobber with your backhand is great, okay now.


Will Riley 

But he also has to be the character who project some sincere belief that this kid can succeed. Jonah has been told that the next tournament coming up, he has to play against this really great like wunderkind of Vancouver tennis.



Look, he’s big, and he’s strong. You might say he’s the Darth Vader of Julian tennis.


Will Riley 

Some say he might be the Darth Vader of junior tennis. And I mean, if you any sort of task if you’re the Darth Vader of it, you must be really good at it. I mean, other than fatherhood, I suppose. I mean, I guess I’d like to say I’d like to be known as the Darth Vader of podcasting if I was able, but I mean, I guess Darth Vader is the Darth Vader of podcasting because he’s literally hooked up to a microphone every day of his life. Come on, let’s go. Let’s go as the scene and Jonas starts hectically practicing his backhand and I can’t tell from the framing here but I have a sneaking suspicion that all of these backhands he’s hitting are all getting way out of the court. Chris crab does actually have a lot of tennis experience IRL. I mean, he turned pro at 16 but all of these hits, he’s hitting all these balls but they’re probably not landing where he wants them to.



My forehand is great. Okay, think back and think back and cut to


Will Riley 

the inside of the Vancouver Aquarium Lab, which parenthetically is really far away from the school, but obviously Jonah has to be among the elite. The lab has a whole bunch of little fish tanks on built it yourself. IKEA aluminum Michels. Jenner hasn’t shown up for his part of the Guppy project and Donna is sprinkling a little bit of goldfish food into the tank. Hey,



isn’t Jonah supposed to be doing that? Oh, at least he found your Santa celebrity is also responsible for this experiment. I mean, you have other work to do.


Will Riley 

But Jonah is not here and according to him is taking up Donna’s busy schedule. But yeah, I don’t know. Feeding a tank of fish isn’t particularly time consuming. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Donna doesn’t mind she’s got a big smile on her face doing it. And I mean, Michelle Chan’s character more than any other person isn’t going to care about this because she’s making passive income. She doesn’t care about having to feed some fish and waste of time because she knows her money is going to work for her. Another little mini instance of the danger Bay fashion report. This scene is where we get our first good look at Season Two grant even if this is officially a season one episode it is like filmed in the second batch of episodes. Firstly, not drowning and hair dye has made him look a lot better. But I’m also a fan of his fit here like I know very little about menswear but I am a fan of Grant’s minimalist look in this scene. He’s got this pure black V neck sweater, which makes the metal of his wristwatch really shine noticeably. Put it all together elegantly going gray plus the sweater the watch and these loose khakis he’s wearing them make him look less like an aquarium guy and more like the ambitious new media studies professor in a university in Northern Italy somewhere. Jonah comes in placing his tennis bag directly on an aquarium employee’s desk while they’re working on it. And goes on to introduce everybody to his new Main Squeeze Dorothy Pierce. Dad Donna.



This is Dorothy Pierce fresh out


Will Riley 

of a test tube in a country club somewhere. I admit that it is probably really harsh to criticize a teenager’s look. But the people running the show dress the actress Camille Henderson up this way and then made her do her makeup this way. and it doesn’t work. I mean, how do I describe this? Imagine a blonde version of the breakfast clubs post makeover, Alison and that’s what Camille Henderson looks like here she is playing Queen yuppie. You



must be awfully proud of Jonah. Everybody at school is.



Oh, yeah, so they tell me, excuse me.


Will Riley 

I love the fact that this is a show where the dad resents having to acknowledge his son’s accomplishments. And he’s written to be in the right. This is where the age of ALF Harris the guy writing this episode starts to come in that and I suppose ALF Harris’s idea of what a high school sweetheart would look like, like we are one step away from having this actress in like a poodle skirt or something for the report.



Dr. Fleming, please. Yes. Okay, back close to the sun. Yes. Well, just moments later, he’s talking to someone. Interrupts interrupt the call that threatens to start


Will Riley 

Jonah introduces Dorothy to Raquel the Guppy,



the most marvelous, magnificent Guppy in the whole world.


Will Riley 

She’s apparently the result of a whole bunch of new kinds of breeding techniques that they’re working on,



and some very special feeling and lighting and other programs My dad worked at. And she’s


Will Riley 

pregnant, a little bit of an actual educational marine biology moment here. And



because they reproduce so quickly, every 28 days, they’re perfect for genetic experiments.


Will Riley 

That’s one of the reasons why all of these billionaires claimed that they’re pro natalist. Now, of course, they need more fodder for test subjects. We can’t really successfully do neural link stuff until we get humans at least halfway to the Guppy level of reproduction. Regardless of the scientific and biological context here. I can’t say that anybody should be comfortable with a kid talking about their father’s breeding techniques.



And dads techniques can be used with other fish to produce more food. That’s new breeding techniques. Dad’s new breeding techniques, dad’s new breeding techniques, breeding techniques, my dad worked and she’s pregnant.


Will Riley 

Jonah proudly says that he’s going to be a marine biologist for sure.



very likeable, is going to, I’m going to be a marine biologist for sure.


Will Riley 

And I guess that’s true. I just suppose he was never a marine biologist in the way that any of us watching it now could have anticipated most marine biologists job don’t involve wielding an ancient blade. For instance, he’s a marine biologists sort of in the way that Jotaro from Joe Joe’s Bizarre Adventure is a marine biologist. Dorothy looks at the fish tank wistfully and goes



I wish I knew what I wanted to be. Which


Will Riley 

Jonah just totally ignores just immediately starts talking about something else entirely doesn’t even acknowledge this sort of existential dread that Dorothy is incurring on herself.



I wish I knew what I wanted to be.



I’ve looked after her since she was born. She’s the result of all kinds of new breeding techniques.


Will Riley 

I’m pretty sure that’s how l Harris thinks that you’re meant to handle these sorts of interactions.



On second thought, Phil, and I think we ought to go back to work. Watch. Yes, sir.



But this is a chance we’ve been waiting for. To speak for centuries been we’ve been dreaming about meeting an intelligent race out in space with what we can exchange right.


Will Riley 

So the conflict of the show starts to set in as Dorothy immediately starts trying to drag Joan away from the experiment. Jonah,



look at the time. We’re supposed to meet Tom and Carol in 10 minutes.



There’s a lot of work I should do here first,



he promised you’d play doubles with me. A promise is a promise. I know but


Will Riley 

please. The lesson of this show is starting to take root. Jonah is supposed to start learning guppies before yuppies. The thing is there has to be a better take of this conversation. Henderson just has to go Jonah look at the time with zero emotion. She doesn’t look at a clock or a watch as she says this she just stares off into the middle distance and goes Jonah look at the time Camille Henderson like poor hurt she is having to do basically a shot reverse shot conversation with no reverse shot at all just looking out into the distance faced with the temptation of doubles Jonah box on his responsibilities. Well,



I guess maybe just as warm started, did feed them and


Will Riley 

walks out of the lab basically with In a minute of him showing up,



dad, Donna, this is Dorothy Pierce. Jonah. Look at the time. All right, I guess everything’s okay. She later


Will Riley 

cut to the Roberts home. It’s nighttime now, Nicole firmly places a baking pan into the sink and wanders off in a little Huff with the sound of a baking pan gently being placed into a sink. Grant rushes into the room going, Hey,



I thought you were making dinner. It sounds like you’re reenacting the Battle of the Bulge in here


Will Riley 

again, the sound that Nicole just made. All she did was put a plate into a sink,



reenacting the Battle of the Bulge in here.


Will Riley 

Help Nicole brushes her hand as she does it like it’s the most normal thing in the world. And then her dad comes in from the other side of the house claiming that she’s making too much noise Battle of the Bulge. As a connoisseur of how these sorts of interactions play out I’m pretty sure that immediately after this grant is going to turn on a blender and start crushing a bunch of nuts with a meat tenderizer hammer and then look at Nicole with puzzlement if she starts complaining about it reenacting the Battle of the Bulge in here. Nicole is apparently making all of this noise because she is frustrated with Jonah Jonas and finger dope than I thought why bigger? With Ocean Hillman saying this line we have now established the two ends of the Nicole social interaction spectrum. If she likes you at that moment, she’ll say



You’re so silly sometimes.


Will Riley 

And if she doesn’t like you, you’re a dope Jonas a bigger dope than I thought. Note that whether she likes you or not, the universal constant here is that when she’s describing You, You are being irrational in some way. Now, obviously, there are plenty of reasons for a sister to be mad at her brother. But the reasoning that ALF Harris chooses, out of everything else that he could have chosen is a little odd. Why bigger? Well,



everyone’s making such a fuss over him at school, especially the girls and he’s falling forward, hook line and sinker


Will Riley 

beyond getting tired of her brother’s ego. I’m dubious on the motivations here. Elf, Mr. Harris, the premise of a sibling being mad at the other sibling having boyfriends or girlfriends? The implications of it? Well, all I’ll say is that there is a whole slew of fanfic in the danger Bay community and some of it is good and some of it is bad. And this is where the bad fanfic comes in. These are where the bad pairings and the bad tags come in Mr. Harris,



making such a fuss over him at school.


Will Riley 

Girls, reasonably Grant says that there’s not really anything that he can do to insert himself into his son’s love life.



Shouldn’t he know better? Well,



some things have to be learned the hard way,


Will Riley 

and then makes a goofy face and Nicole walks away, and then turns around and keeps making the goofy face at Nicole behind her back. He’s edging dangerously close to just looking directly at the camera and going that’s right paly for divorces, Donnie gets around done a hungry I learned the hard way and I made it look so easy. Some things



have to be learned the hard way



dad’s new breeding techniques,


Will Riley 

and she’s pregnant. Oh, Jonah rise back home loudly placing his tennis bag down again. Like they keep on scripting the fact that he’s putting his bag down places. And I think there’s some sort of running joke that’s supposed to be here. That’s just him putting down his bag in some sort of way that is supposed to inconvenience other people. But I mean, in this case, he’s just putting it down where nobody would walk over it. It’s portrayed so flatly I can’t actually tell this is the place where I start to take offense as a fellow backpack Canadian. I’ve got a big ass bag with half my life inside of it. And people give me shit about it no matter where I put it. And I vote dammit.



reenacting the Battle of the Bulge in


Will Riley 

here the conversation Fran has with Jonah it’s basically basically a repeat of the one that they had over breakfast. Jonah is paying too much attention to school and finding love in this world and not enough to the fish. I thought you were coming home early from the aquarium. Apparently after dinner grant is supposed to go to work. Eat



your pizza. Dad’s got to get back to the aquarium



pizza. I thought we were having lasagna.



We were before it dried out. Now it’s pizza. It’s


Will Riley 

very unclear. Therefore what grant schedule at this aquarium is supposed to be I mean, obviously, soldiers and cops have plenty of night shifts. And it’s been demonstrated that people who work at the aquarium have a similar role as those people in danger base society, but so far it seemed that Grant had the day shift coming into work. Evidently, the lights are still on in Jonah’s tank because he was so enraptured by the idea of playing doubles that he forgot to turn it off. Something wrong.



Jonah left the tank illumination on too



much like unsterilized guppies. But one night when do a grant


Will Riley 

I would say apparently, if too much light can mess with a guppies reproduction. Doesn’t that inherently disqualify guppies as a good test case? Like how can you expect whatever reproductive science that you’re working on with this Guppy to carry over to like, a tuna or something like that, if its ability to reproduce can just be totally messed up by being out in the sun too long, we move out into the active break, as we show Jonah falling asleep in the middle of studying for an English test that he needs to ace



right on over all obstacles. And when when?


Will Riley 

Pretty straightforward. Things are falling apart at the seams, but Jonah doesn’t recognize or admit it to himself. At the end of the outbreak. We’re back to tennis. William Taylor is there again pointing the tennis ball server at Jonah. Like it’s a damn gun,



you’re not concentrating why?


Will Riley 

It’s nothing. William Taylor is working very hard with this balanced job again, one scene he’s supposed to be pushing Jonah to his limit. And then the next scene here, he’s telling him not to do tennis and to focus on his homework.



I fell asleep. I didn’t study.



Well, maybe all these extra practice sessions aren’t such a good idea. I want to when I know you do, what have what price? Think about. But right now go and study. Because you’re certainly not accomplishing anything here.


Will Riley 

All right, which is what a high school teacher is meant to do. But I mean, not to be the world’s worst cynic. But this guy is never going to be a University Athletics coach with that kind of attitude. A university athletic coach at this point would have pushed the school to invent a whole course exclusively for Jonah to ace so that he could win the tennis match. I don’t understand. Think about it. Simultaneously at the lab, the Guppy who was pregnant is almost ready to deliver. And despite the fact that we’re told that guppies reproduce every 28 days, apparently they need to send this Guppy to the OSR. In order to make sure that the delivery goes on without a hitch.



I think we should put her in the breeding trap. She could give birth anytime.


Will Riley 

And once again, this seems like something that should be disqualifying. If you’re trying to do experiments with fish. You don’t need to send a tuna to the AOR a sturgeon does not need to hire the services of a doula



hope she went to Jonah. We better get ready just in case.


Will Riley 

Jonah walks out of the school looking very despondent. We don’t see him actually do the English test. But we can pretty much tell that things didn’t go well. What



Okay, okay, coming to C or even a c minus



it didn’t get a C minus. I’ve got to get to the last wasn’t


Will Riley 

a day Things are starting to fall apart. And I mean, speaking of falling apart, let’s talk about Jonah’s fit in this particular scene. I mean, Matt, you’ve got to feel a track jacket over a Nike branded t just just trash garbage. You’re looking like the most stock photo bargain bin Hypebeast. there ever was. Gucci Louis ThreeBond logo? Yes, yes. Like you are being outclassed by your dad. In this episode, if you just put on a black shirt, and a ludicrously expensive watch, you would ironically, look a lot more like a tennis player than you do right now. Jonah realizes if silently that something in his current life pattern needs to change, but before he can do anything, Dorothy once again shows up to get her tendrils into Jonah. However, Dorothy is going to word it in a way that shows that it could potentially be good for her development, not just Jonah’s development as a marine biologist.



Yeah. You said you’d help me buy a new racket. Remember when I said I didn’t know what I want to be? Well, that’s not true. There’s something I’d like to be more than anything else in the world if I can. A tennis pro.



A new rocket isn’t going to make the How much of a difference?



Well, Jonah Roberts recommends it.


Will Riley 

The other thing about this line, evoking Dorothy not knowing what she wants to be the line that Jonah went out of his way to ignore I wish I knew what I wanted to be establishes sort of the moral universe of danger obey any sort of existential questioning of yourself or really uncertainty at all is evidently the first step to the path of sin, tempting him. Lillith like with a visit to the burger shack,



we’ll have Jonah Roberts recommends it. And then afterwards, if you’d like we can go to the burger shack and make the cans. The


Will Riley 

burger shack again. Just another indicator of ALF Harris’s idea of teenager dumb, still being replete with poodle skirts and long cars and Dick Clark’s American Bandstand. Well, yeah,



an alien spaceship. I didn’t come from Earth. Okay, no jet exhaust. I could only meet us space warp drive or better still anti gravity. Well, never mind that now.


Will Riley 

The temptation of the burger shack is too great and Jonah falls prey leaving the lab behind at a critical moment. Grant and Donna watch the tanks at the lab intently frustrated that Jonas still hasn’t showed up for what is the delivery date for these guppies.



There’s number one and number two, great bit


Will Riley 

of visual character work on Dudley roaches Park he’s drinking a children’s juice box because he’s got nothing to do but he’s holding the base of this juice box with his thumb and forefinger as if he’s handling fine stemware or something like that.



She didn’t ever brewed and she Jonah


Will Riley 

finally shows up after a monte mushroom burger disappointed to find that Raquel that Guppy has already given birth and he wasn’t there. It’s very odd. All the human characters in this show are acting as if the fish is a person who has an actual emotional outlook on Jonah not being there to have watched this Guppy give birth tell me she didn’t.



Yes she did. And mother and infants are doing fine. Something


Will Riley 

that they by all accounts tell you happens every 28 days. They have this shot through the tank of Jonah looking at the fish and the babies and apologizing to them for



Cal I meant to get here sooner. I really did. I’m sorry.



I’m sure she understands. Well, I



don’t I want to talk about it. I don’t feel much like talking. I do.


Will Riley 

The Guppy doesn’t understand this and the baby guppies definitely don’t understand any of this grant brings Jonah into his office for an honest man to man.



You got to see on that test. I know you weren’t here to record the birth of rock I was fine. I meant to be unfortunately,


Will Riley 

you know, the pug champing beluga whale poster I keep harping on about, they’ve taken that poster down and probably because it was distracting people at work, and grant has gone and put it into his office. So now this beluga whale is dominating the scene instead of this honest man to man, and honestly that is probably for the best what event? But



I promise Dorothy that. That’s why I got the see. I couldn’t start it because I made a promise.


Will Riley 

Jonah makes a particularly wild conclusion that the TV show treats as totally right. Jonah has failed to get a good grade on his test and he missed his experiment. But it’s not the tennis or even taking on too much of goal wise that he decides is the source of this downfall.



My dad wanted to talk about priorities, so do I. Instead


Will Riley 

it is Dorothy, ie the one actual social interaction that he’s making with people. It’s the woman who’s to blame. I made promises



I had to keep. That’s where I went wrong. That was my mistake. Dad I swear no more promises no more at all.


Will Riley 

And the show has obviously worked hand in glove to try and make it seem like that is the legitimate answer. He



promised you play devil’s with me. promise is a promise. But


Will Riley 

when you see it said so clear cut that that’s how this is supposed to go and that is the moral outlook of this episode.



But I promise Dorothy that that’s where I went wrong. I did take on more than I can handle.


Will Riley 

They’ve basically recreated that scene in whiplash about Miles Teller, ending his relationship, but it’s about fish. And the Miles Teller equivalent in this conversation is treated as 100% Correct. It’s something I’d like to be more than anything else in the world if I can. A tennis fro That was



my mistake.



Jonah Roberts recommends it It’ll give me confidence.



That’s where I went wrong.


Will Riley 

The idea that he has all these obligations, and the only one he realizes as extraneous is the romantic one seems really wild. No more promises is the line. He says to demonstrate that he’s on demand. You realize you just made that promise, then straight back to the tennis. Keep your eye on the ball. All right. All right. All right, let’s go. Let’s go high on the ball. More scenes of William Taylor shooting tennis balls at Jonah with a tennis ball gun that he’s holding himself, we get a better look at this tennis ball gun and it’s revealed that its brand is called the lobster because it’s bright red, but also probably because Paul Saltzman can’t help himself, but to get anything aquatic based and throw it into the show. He probably got this show written because he saw a tennis ball gun called the lobster and went, Well, I gotta do this. You there a script supervisor OPA Sockeye, I want you to get me a tennis script. Although frankly, given that lobsters are more common in Atlantic Canada, rather than the Pacific environments like Vancouver, I maintain that we should call this a plot hole, there needs to be a more Pacific name for this tennis ball gun. At this point, Williamson has pulled off a pretty interesting feed, he’s really done a pure one ad of his character. With only three short scenes, Jonah is still living the tail end of this drive to win that has been implanted in him by his coach, but the coach doesn’t want any of that. I think I’ll beat every black. You



should, if nothing throws you off your stride. But the world won. And if you don’t win,


Will Riley 

will it? And yet Jonah replies, No,



winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.



Vince Lombardi might have meant that when he said it. But if I were you,


Will Riley 

I’ve given a lot of thought. So by this point, Jonah has the sense that he has been abandoned by the very people that have constructed in to be a success machine, the coach and his dad. And so the only people left who he can ramble about his drive for victory is a fish yet again,



not just only a day away, they go well. Yeah, I think it will. But I don’t get my coach, he doesn’t seem to think it matters. So


Will Riley 

now comes an extended scene of Jonah Roberts, talking to this fish, the fish he had just made a public apology to a few minutes before talking about how he’ll prove everybody wrong once he becomes a true winner.



I guess dad doesn’t really think it matters that much either. Or just think how proud I’ll be when I when I’m proud everybody will be.



Oh yeah, so they tell me Excuse me.


Will Riley 

Now, as silly as that is, there is some sort of historical precedent for these sorts of things. Obviously, Napoleon confided most of his grand plans for France to a perch. The thing that’s catching my eye more than the words that Jonah is actually saying in this scene, though, is that while he is giving off this monologue to this Guppy, he’s doing this all while using a tube to move water from one tank to another and I gotta say Christopher crab, does the siphoning procedure. Absolutely flawlessly. I’ve seen professional brewers move beer from casks with a siphon tube, and it is a genuine struggle, and Jonah is doing it like with no problem at all. I look at this scene and I go, this teenager has siphoned gas out of an F 150. Countless times before he filmed this scene. And obviously this is a complex procedure because there’s a bit of a mental load that Chris crab is taking in this scene because he’s flubbing these lines and these flubbed versions are staying in the final version of this show.



Especially if I went to junior national championship too. Then who knows? Maybe someday.


Will Riley 

Chris, you said Wimbledon, it’s Wimbledon. Remember? Not Wimbledon. Remember? enunciation. Bite your consonants. W one.



We found a planet



an alien spaceship.



I’ll activate your power gun. Jonah.



I won my match. I just had to come and tell you I won my Mac.


Will Riley 

And voila. Even though Jonah has made this resolution to not make any more promises. Dorothy appears yet again to pull Jonah away from the aquatic path of righteousness.



There’s a lot I should do first. You can’t work all the time. That’s where I went wrong. Again,


Will Riley 

Mr. l Harris. You are making me have to talk about televised teenage romance. You have been you have spent this entire episode writing this Very young girl as some sort of temptress fleas or about the burger shack as a den of iniquity effectively.



I told the kids we’d meet them at the burger shack don’t make me go alone. You’ve


Will Riley 

put this actress in a really tight spot here by basically making her look at the script. See the sort of line reading these lines demand and making her go nuts. Ah, so she’s saying it all flatly. And that’s the right way as a person for you to say these lines. If you think that these lines aren’t good,



Jonah, look at the time he promised you to play doubles with me. This is all


Will Riley 

compounded by the fact that she’s dressed like what the most popular girl at school might look like. Back when ALF Harris was writing Space Command. no



response at all. Do you think the aliens have a



problem? Just maybe transmission trouble? Nothing more than what’s



the point of winning if you can’t celebrate?



The Yeah, you’ve got something there. What is the point?


Will Riley 

Okay, but Jonah his head now filled with visions of burger shacks and poodle skirts, and the lounge singing at at vacation communities at scenic lake Tahoe is pulled away to leave with Dorothy yet again. As an ominous red flashing light on the Guppy tank blinks away Jonah has left without temperature control for the tank on. Good morning Raquel. And has the mother of the year. Oh no. Jonah comes back the next day and the worst has happened. Jonah,



you forgot to put the heater on Scott white spot disease. Once


Will Riley 

again, some version of BKD has reared its ugly head you can see why it became so important later on in the show lots of fish diseases in this show. However, elf Harris has gone out of his way to pick a disease which will inherently make Jonah and the burger shack the root of the blame here because I mean if the burger shack wasn’t to blame here in some way, he wouldn’t have chosen white spot disease and white spot we



go to great lengths for great taste Scott white spot disease like the 100% Fresh Canadian beef and our delicious new macaroni and cheese burger burger. Burger shack comfort foods on now at White Spot



can’t cure white spot disease.


Will Riley 

Now I’ve never had a fish but evidently the way that you handle white spot disease is you need to get a bunch of formaldehyde.



How could I be so dumb?



We’ll talk about that later. I know we’ve got to do something.



I thought you can’t cure white spot disease



mailbag work sometimes go get an empty five gallon tank and set it up right here.


Will Riley 

Which basically, to me confirms that the fish is more or less dead already. You have to take the fish into a net and then just intermittently dip it into a separate tank of formaldehyde just ON and OFF ON and OFF. 15 seconds



she doesn’t seem any better. Well, it’s



too soon to tell. We’ve got a tennis match to play tomorrow.



I won’t be able to sleep, please.



All right, one more hour. Jonah, it’s eight o’clock


Will Riley 

in the morning. After establishing all of this. They just go straight up. Now the fish is dead. It didn’t actually do anything. I’m sorry, son. She didn’t make it. There actually wasn’t any point to this whole sequence of the formaldehyde treatment. It was just like 30 extra seconds of filler. You could have just have him leave the tank heating off and then the fish dies as a result and everything would have been the same Jonah is now even more distraught. Of course, his hubris has led to the death of another living creature. And yes, and yet, Al Paris’s 50 sensibility. Once again take the front seat Jonah has killed and other living being and the best he can come up with is



I really felt things up. really felt good.


Will Riley 

I fouled it up good. Just the most old timey way you could have approached this situation like I shot a guy and went all con Sarnat I’m a real mountebank lock me up and throw away the key very notch. 23 SkiDoo, this



puts us in a fine position.



She ground me, well, I might depends on whether you learned anything from this or not. So if



I’m supposed to play tennis, you didn’t



get any sleep.



I’ve got a play. It’s more important now than ever.


Will Riley 

So Jonah leaves the aquarium obviously feeling like the lowest of the low and Donna. She gives off the most cheery by Jonah as he walks away on the verge of tears. For basically smiling at this kid who is on the verge of tears in the midst of a crisis, clearly not particularly socially aware,



was loaded with rabies. Garlic has made you crazy.


Will Riley 

Evidently, though not everything is as it seems. Grant is curious as to why this Guppy would have died. When it did.



Something’s wrong. Let’s do an autopsy. And


Will Riley 

he wants to have a full autopsy on this fish.



This fish is now evidence and I gotta


Will Riley 

say, Grant, you’re not going to let your own son know that. You’re just going to let him leave carrying that weight. You’re not even going to like, hold out just a tiny little sliver of hope for him. Now my kid needs to know that he’s the scum of the earth. Everybody keeps coming in telling me I ought to be proud of my son. Now fuck it. I need my kid to think he’s a load some little goblin really solid. My



good. Yeah, so they tell me Excuse me.


Will Riley 

So it’s time for the big tennis match that Joan has been preparing for. Grant is conspicuously absent from the proceedings. Jonah is about to go up against this kid the Darth Vader of Junior Tennis as we’ve called him. Now, obviously, visually you need to make this kid look imposing and usually what you do in this scenario to make him seem imposing is stuff like film him from a low angle or maybe demonstrate his tennis skills in a hyper adapt, you know, show him surfing a ball on a toonie or something make him talk in some slick Ivan Drago accent, you know, there’s there’s a whole spectrum of ways that you could approach this instead, they chose not to do any of that. They just got an actor who is like six foot six and filmed and normally and just had that do the work for them. I mean, kudos. I mean they they stand the two actors together Jonah and this Darth Vader kid and Jonah is like more than a head shorter than this guy. This junior tennis champ is taller than any of the coaches. He is taller than any of the adults on this court. Jonah still bearing an IQ theologists grief, hesitantly moves towards his side of the court after shaking hands with the kid of visual detail for this tennis court, which might be weird to some viewers. Because it’s an important match. They’ve decorated this tennis court with flags and banners to demonstrate that this match is some kind of a big deal. This is a nice time to give a lesson on the prominence of American influence on Canadian film and TV in a very concrete way. This is a Canadian show filmed and set in Canada, but the largest decorations on this tennis court are an American red, white and blue. And it’s not like that some kind of big oversight. I can’t go get your act together property master Ian Belcher, you Bozo American productions are so prominent in Canada, especially in Vancouver, of course, that it was likely a cheaper option for them to hang up all of these American colors. Even in a Canadian setting. This persists on the production front, but also on the consumption front. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve tried to watch a Canadian movie only for me to be region locked out of a movie from the region that I’m in right now. On the only platform that hosts it. That’s the main relief about danger Bay. It is such an international phenomenon that you really can watch this anywhere. No problem. The other very American thing about this tennis match other than the decor, of course, is that it is operating on cowboy movie logic. Not only is the antagonist tennis player wearing all black, his last name is black as well. It’s actually pretty helpful for anybody who wasn’t paying attention to the dialogue, because his name is on a big scoreboard behind Jonah. And you go like well, what’s the other guy while the guy in black the other guy in black is the one with this particular score. You don’t need to give this guy a unique name because there’s just something saying the guy in black this is what his score is. Jonah and tennis Darth Vader start having a pretty good rally. And I’m looking around for other details about the court. A quirk of Junior Tennis once you start to think about it is that most of the ball boys are actually older than any of the participants in the match. You have these young kids given their blood sweat and tears to try and win this tennis match. And in the back we’ve got already the world’s strongest man in sunglasses in the back. It just really feel goes off, it feels wrong. little pro tip to anybody who’s filming tennis the next time. Next time you have a ball boy and a junior tennis match. It’s got to be like a toddler or a baby doing it just so it doesn’t feel weird anymore. And I mean, it would be an easy job to do. I mean Toddlers love tennis balls. They’re fun to throw around, chew on maybe. Back at the lab, Grant and Donna are looking at a computer. Turns out Jonah is exonerated.



She didn’t die the disease. She has an abnormal bone structure looks like some kind of genetic deformity. Jonah may have caused the disease, but that’s what killed her.


Will Riley 

Apparently, Jonah’s formaldehyde treatment would have actually worked if there wasn’t this genetic abnormality in this Guppy. But that doesn’t really help that much in the sense that it is still his fault that this GFI got the disease in the first place. Like I mean, analogy time you accidentally shot somebody and you would feel dressed that wound totally fine and that person would have done just great if they didn’t have a heart attack in the middle of it. And that is exonerated in some way. Grant and Donna are smiling at each other over this revelation, even though they maintained the disease itself was Jonah’s fault. It feels like they needed to establish that something was Jonah’s fault, but they couldn’t end the episode on it. They need to need it to find some way to pull a little bit of the weight of the guilt off of his shoulders, even though they don’t really want to commit to anything beyond this.



Jonah may have caused the disease, but that’s what killed her by I gotta go watch tennis.


Will Riley 

Now that I’ve established that my son is directly responsible for the death of another living being sure, yeah, I’ll watch his tennis game. Now that grant has established some sort of moral distance between his son and killing a fish. He decides to wander over to Jonah’s tennis game showing up just in time for matchpoint conveniently enough,



how’s it going?


Will Riley 

This means that grant shows up just in time for Jonah to learn a lesson, I guess after a particularly harsh baldy from Darth Vader kid Oh. Boy that was



looked out to me. Oh, is it I know it was it.


Will Riley 

Jonah refuses and says that the ball was out. He was the closest one there. He knows that the ball was out. And he is deciding to show humility for the first time here. So it was in



Chautauqua, what I was closest to it. I say it was in. Congratulations.


Will Riley 

After Jonah concedes defeat, Grant looks over at Nicole and asks her somehow



your brother seems a little taller though, doesn’t it?


Will Riley 

Yeah. Meaning that obviously, Jonah has become more mature. And I guess that I mean that that works. But I mean, this is something that is patently incorrect. I mean, you just put this guy next to a teenager raised on nothing but the hormone cocktail that they put in Lunchables. Jonah has concretely never looked shorter in his life. Jonah has final words with his coach for the episode.



Winning isn’t the only thing. It isn’t even everything. Good game.


Will Riley 

Now, here’s a hypothetical question. Is this actually Jonah learning a lesson and showing grace in defeat? Or did he actually win, but no longer considering himself a winner after the death of this fish has effectively made his last real by his own thoughts? I don’t know. I mean, they never actually show whether the ball was really in or out at all. It’s not entirely clear. Now obviously, danger Bay is a complex show. And there’s lots of multiple interpretations that you could bring to this scene. But this moral lesson about Jonah having some humility doesn’t entirely click with what the episode has actually been about whether this is an episode about spreading yourself too thin or an episode about having too much ego most of this episode has been about him spreading himself thin. Jonah,



that’s what happens when you take on more than you can handle.



My dad wanted to talk


Will Riley 

about priorities so do I not whether or not he’s a winner? I was closest to



  1. I say it was in it. that bid just sort


Will Riley 

of gets lost in the sauce here. They can’t show Jonah actually lose because to use wrestling lingo Jonah has to go over always the show can’t actually say Jonah lost the match because that would make him inferior. However they can make him accept a hypothetical defeat with grace, which will make him a moral superior. The only lesson we can actually get from this episode then is that self doubt and a lack of ego inherently creates the failure just as Dorothy’s existential uncertainty did. Knowing how the plot of danger Bay actually turns out a few seasons from now, we now have the hindsight to see that this wasn’t an episode about humility. It’s about how Jonah needs to become the Uber image if we categorically and definitively saw Jonah lose this match, how would the audience be able to square that with him being worthy to wield the sonic clave about 10 seasons later, with next to none of the moral issues resolved or really even properly defined? Jonah walks away from the court. He leaves proudly as his family come in tow, rubbing his shoulders freeze frame real credit.


Will Riley 

To be honest, I don’t really know how I feel about this episode. I think there’s some stuff that give it merit. I think that there’s some interesting character development that we can see in Jonah here. However, it’s just too muddled in terms of what the episode seems to think it’s about it keeps on changing itself. I mean, they made the right decision by deciding that they couldn’t say that Jonah actually lost, but it’s basically in conflict with what the rest of this episode purports itself to be. I can see why they have a story supervisor on this episode, because it is probably a good few different passes at this script crammed into one, still mostly good performances. And it does show a part of the Roberts life that we hadn’t seen before. Like seeing all the various diversions that Jonah and Nicole end up in. It was sort of surprising that the show acknowledged that they are going to school at all. They’re not just on retainer with the Vancouver Aquarium or something. However, you can see why danger Bay gets more and more big picture as it goes along. This whole episode gets so muddled because having Jonah and Nicole Roberts deal with regular mundane day to day family drama stuff is like having zoos in a high school, the longer they have to deal with petty mortal affairs, the more the episode starts to decline



dad’s new breeding techniques.


Will Riley 

So there you have it, that was the contender. Thanks again, for listening, everybody. I am starting to get a little bit of a rhythm as I get back into the podcasting game. I’m feeling myself get a little bit more productive with each one. So thank you for your support. I’ll see you all online I guess. I mean, basically, I guess I’ll see you on the brink servers since well, no other video games exist anymore. Really? I’d almost 100% in my file of Yakuza zero but you know brings worth it so I got rid of it. Last thing before I head out is to tell you all what’s been happening in the most recent episode of danger Bay. Let’s just bring it up.


Will Riley 

After a long day of combat, Jonah Roberts heads home in his limousine full of 20 year old women. As the car pulls away he takes a long drag from his Christopher crab lifestyle brand vape pen. That’s the best vape I’ve ever tasted. He says following several $100 bills from his walnut chauffeur next time you swing by a vape shop buy me more of this juice. He slips the bills through the little window and shuts it. You have such great taste in vapes, Jonah, the blond 20 year old says massaging his back I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for all of us. killing everyone in that secret search and conversion plant has kept everybody safe. You’re a hero to the entire world. Jonah keeps his humility just comes with a territory of being a marine biologist. He says holding and appraising the crab Corp diamond necklace of the 20 year old brunette next to him. He opens his wallet again by yourself a semester of university girl. Wow Jonah, the second blonde 20 year old and Jonah’s limousine says you’re such a loving and generous person. I’m so glad I get to be one of your girlfriends. Thanks. I know Jonah uses his wireless wrist radio to call down projection screen from the roof of the limo. Sorry babes, I’m going to have to delay the eight some for another hour duty calls. The girls all sigh with disappointment and anticipation as Jonah surveys a giant map of British Columbia’s rivers marked with the formation of red dots. That plant turning everything into sea urchins was only the first Jonah thinks in voiceover. If what information we extracted from the Minions working there before we executed them as correct, everything on this map could be another place the sea urchin God could be performing his dark ritual. attacking them all may even be harder than the time I won the NBA championship without a team. Do I need to call for backup here, as he thinks this a bright light emerges from the roof of the car, the gleaming white angelic figure of Arthrex, the Archon of torrents which only Jonah can see, has descended from his higher plane of existence to speak to him, the deity opens his 27 mouths and a holy luminescence floods the landscape as his voice flows out. You’re the best Jonah, you’re really strong, and all of the gods are impressed by you. With that Arthrex gives Jonah a double thumbs up as he raises back up to the higher plane Jonah’s confidence is quickly restored. Well then Jonah thinks to himself as he curls the projection screen back up, if all the higher deities say so. I suppose my worries weren’t grounded at all. As always, I’m more than capable. Jonah takes a long sip of his designer drink and lays back finally taking off his sunglasses. Then they end the episode with a 15 minute conversation between all the 20 year olds about how good at sex Jonah is. And then the credits roll. I am actually really excited about the Chris crap vape pen. I mean, I don’t really vape myself but this is a good opportunity as any to try. It is impressive that Chris crab is still able to be on the cutting edge of things even at the age of 55 So that’s it from me. Thanks for listening hope you enjoy the rest of your day. Remember to sub to this show if you haven’t the socials I usually use Kasmkave que SMKV both Twitter and blue sky and if you’re in the Vancouver area, check out my tours on the questo it’s the main way I’ve got for you to give me money at the moment. See you later danger comes from below.