This is a screenplay I wrote in 2002. I thought I’d share it with y’all over this holiday week, mainly so I don’t have to do any real, actual new content or anything. So, check it out, and I hope you enjoy this story about, living, loving, learning and tinning.
INT – A LOCAL BAR
It’s still a bit early, so the bar is more or less empty. The fact that it’s still light outside doesn’t stop the bar from looking like a dank pit. We see DORIAN and TOM sitting at the bar. DORIAN has replaced his standard martini with a large glass of hard whiskey, even more imposing than TOM’S usual drink of choice. DORIAN is completely crushed and disheartened after his meeting at FELPAK. He’s sobbing into his drink.
TOM
Sorry, Dore.
DORIAN ignores him.
TOM (CON’T)
I was really hoping it’d work out for you. I saw this coming, but, uh, sorry, man. I didn’t think you’d take it so hard. I sort of thought you’d expect this also. I thought it was just some sort of bizarre joke. Well, until we actually got to the cannery. If it’s a joke, well, you’re an exquisite actor. But, man, I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help.
TOM and DORIAN sit in silence. DORIAN goes between downing his booze and weeping. TOM just sits there uncomfortably. Finally, DORIAN speaks.
DORIAN
Bartender, could I have another?
The bartender comes into frame, places another giant glass of liquor down in front of DORIAN, who fumbles with his pockets, finds the money and pays him.
DORIAN
Thanks.
The bartender goes back out of frame.
TOM
You’re (pause) – you’re drinking an awful lot, there, Dorian.
DORIAN
Yes, I am.
TOM
I know you drink a lot, but, well, this is a lot, even for you.
DORIAN
Yes, it is.
TOM
Don’t you think you should stop soon?
DORIAN
Yes, I do.
TOM
Here, let me have that glass.
DORIAN
No.
TOM
Dore, this isn’t good for you. Stop it.
DORIAN
Ooh, no, I wouldn’t want to ruin my liver! After all, I’m not dying in six months, and I’m not going to have my body rendered and put into cans. Well, not anymore.
TOM
Dore. Stop it.
DORIAN
What’s the point? I mean, it didn’t really matter before, and it really doesn’t matter now.
TOM
Look, Dore, look. Yeah, you’re going to die, and yeah, your first plan didn’t go through, but (pause) look, you haven’t been showing any signs of cancer, don’t you think you should, y’know, be aware so you can enjoy this? Since, look, it’s not going to last for long. I’m surprised that you’re this healthy now. And, well, cancer’s incredibly painful, you’ve said so yourself. You’d best enjoy it while you can.
DORIAN
Just (pause) shut (pause) up.
TOM
Dore, look. You’ve got to stop this. You’re giving up already? Come on, there’ve got to me more canneries in this city. Look, I’ll tell you what, OK? I’ll tell my boss that I’ve been hospitalized from the salmonella, and that I’ll be out a week. And then we’ll go to some more tinning plants, all right? There’s got to be one out there, OK?
DORIAN
What’s the point?
TOM
Look, OK, so you can’t get Felpak. Life is full of compromises. There’s plenty of other canneries and there’s got to be one that’s suitable for you.
DORIAN
But, Felpak is the jewel of the tinning industry.
TOM
Yeah, but you’ve got to face it. They’re out. They won’t go for it. So, you’re going to have to settle.
DORIAN
I don’t want to settle. I’m dying here, don’t I get some sort of special treatment? Don’t I get a free small sundae or anything? This is the only thing I want, and it’s not going through.
TOM
Well, have you even looked at the other canneries? Maybe there’s one that’s just as good.
DORIAN
I haven’t, but.. what’s the point? They’re not Felpak.
TOM
Just stop it. Let’s go home. You’re going home, Dorian.
DORIAN
Is there a party tonight?
TOM
You’re in no condition to have another party.
DORIAN
I don’t care, I want a party.
TOM
Fine, there’ll be a party there.
DORIAN
Good. Now let’s go, I’ve got to get ready.
TOM
OK, then.
DORIAN shakily stands up, fishes his keys out of his pocket and holds them up. TOM goes to take them, but DORIAN pulls them away at the last second. TOM’S a bit drunk also, but not even half as so as DORIAN.
TOM
Here, let me drive.
DORIAN
No, it’s my car, and you’re drunk.
TOM
You’re drunk, too.
DORIAN
Yeah, but it’s my car and I’m drunker. I got trump.
EXT – DORIAN’S HOUSE – LATE AFTERNOON
It’s about We see DORIAN’S car parked, for lack of a better word, on the pathway to his front door. The car’s not in the best of condition, but it doesn’t have any trouble running. We pan over and see TOM leading DORIAN into the back door.
INT – DORIAN’S BEDROOM
TOM is frog marching DORIAN into the room, and sort of throws him on the bed. TOM looks at him and makes sure DORIAN’S safe on the bed. TOM staggers out into
INT – DORIAN’S LIVING ROOM
…and passes out on the couch.
FADE TO BLACK
INT – DORIAN’S LIVING ROOM
It’s the next morning. DORIAN is already up, and sort of staggers around. TOM is still asleep on the couch, even though he had much less to drink. DORIAN staggers to the liquor cabinet and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes a couple of gulps and replaces it. TOM stirs.
TOM
Ugh, what time is it?
DORIAN
I don’t know.
TOM
Man, that couch isn’t comfortable. It’s like, I sleep for longer on it, but it’s a much more unsatisfactory sleep.
DORIAN
Hey, you didn’t need to sleep here.
TOM
Beats the floor.
DORIAN
Anyway, uh, why are you still here?
TOM
Do you want to take me up on my offer?
DORIAN
What offer?
TOM
The thing where I call in hospitalized to work, and we go find other tinning plants.
DORIAN
Yeah, I guess. Maybe we’ll find something. I hate to compromise though.
TOM
OK, cool then. Give me the phone.
DORIAN hands him the receiver of a cordless phone. TOM dials.
TOM
Uh, hello, sir.
TOM’S BOSS
(on phone, V.O.)
Hello, Tom. How are you feeling?
TOM
Not so good, sir.
TOM’S BOSS
You sound awful.
TOM
It looks like I’ve taken a turn for the worse.
TOM’S BOSS
Oh?
TOM
Yeah, they put me in the hospital. I think I’m going to be laid up for a week. This salmonella’s really got me around the ankles, here.
TOM’S BOSS
(pauses) It sounds it. Where are you staying?
TOM
(long pause) Uh, the big hospital. They say no visitors or anything though. Too many, uh, outside germs.
TOM’S BOSS
(pause) Are you sure you’re not just nursing a hangover? You didn’t just go on a day and a half long bender?
TOM
No, sir! Salmonella. From my lunch.
TOM’S BOSS
Whatever, I don’t care. I’ve got bigger things to deal with. Just remember, this is unpaid, since you’ve already used up your sick days. If you hadn’t, I’d probably care more, but, as it is, you’re probably saving us money. So, enjoy your “salmonella”.
TOM
Thanks, sir.
TOM hangs up.
DORIAN
How’d it go?
TOM
Pretty well. I would have thought he’d have cared more, but oh well. Do you got any whiskey? Hair of the dog and all that.
DORIAN
Yeah, just a sec.
DORIAN goes back to the liquor cabinet, gets the whiskey, tosses it to TOM. TOM misses, but picks up the bottle from the floor, and takes a few more gulps. He sloshes the bottle around, to find that it’s almost empty, and polishes it off.
TOM
OK, cool, now that that’s taken care of, let’s get cleaned up. While I’m in the shower, you start calling up places and making appointments. Go for as early as you can. I doubt that you’d have problems, since, well, the president of a cannery can’t have a whole lot to do.
DORIAN
OK, Tom, will do.
EXT – HENNESSEY CANNING – DAY
We see DORIAN and TOM staring up at the side of the building, like at Felpak, although DORIAN clearly doesn’t have the same sense of awe. Both TOM and DORIAN are more curious than anything else.
INT – HENNESSEY CANNING LOBBY
The lobby for Hennessey isn’t nearly as impressive either, but it’s not shabby by any means. It’s closer to what you’d expect a cannery’s main offices to look like. At a smaller desk, we see a SECRETARY.
DORIAN
Hello, I’m Dorian Gray, and this is Tom…
TOM
Howesebury.
DORIAN
…Howesebury, and we’re here to see Mr. Hennessey.
SECRETARY
Right this way, sir.
The SECRETARY leads DORIAN and TOM down a corridor, and opens a non-descript wooden door. She steps inside.
SECRETARY
Mr. Gray and Mr. Howesebury to see you, sir.
She beckons them inside and then leaves. TOM and DORIAN sit down. MR. HENNESSEY is sitting behind a nice desk, but one much smaller than MR. STEEVERSON’S. MR. HENNESSEY is also rather old, although less formal.
MR. HENNESSEY
So, boys, what can I do you for?
DORIAN
Well, sir, I was wondering if your cannery does special, limited runs.
MR. HENNESSEY
Hmm, we normally don’t do outside work, although, times have been a little hard lately, so, well, what are you thinking about?
DORIAN
It’s a little unorthodox.
MR. HENNESSEY
We’re rather open, I like to think that Hennessey Canning is a bit unorthodox.
MR. HENNESSEY chuckles.
DORIAN
(brightly)
That’s great! That really puts my mind at ease.
MR. HENNESSEY
So, what’s the nature of your proposal?
DORIAN
(still rather brightly)
Well, Mr. Hennessey, I’m currently dying of cancer, and…
MR. HENNESSEY
I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Gray, but I think I understand, you want us to cater your funeral? I agree, that is a bit unorthodox, but you must really love tuna if you want to serve it to your guests, and I’d be happy to help you out, however I can.
TOM looks around nervously.
DORIAN
Actually, sir, that’s not quite what I had in mind.
MR. HENNESSEY
Oh, it’s not? Well, that’s fine. We primarily deal in tuna, although we’d be willing to help you out with a different sort of fish, if you’d like. Of course, you’d have to provide the fish yourself, but I wouldn’t see a trouble with that. We might even be able to handle deviled ham, or chipped beef. I don’t think that’d be a problem – I can give the foreman a call if you like!
MR. HENNESSEY reaches for the phone.
DORIAN
No, no, sir, you don’t have to do that. I’m not really looking for a caterer or anything of that sort.
MR. HENNESSEY
(pauses) What do you want then? We primarily deal in foodstuffs, so, well, if you don’t want fish, then, well, what can we do for you?
DORIAN
Well, as I said, I was dying of cancer, and I’ll probably be dead in about six months.
MR. HENNESSEY
Yes, Mr. Gray, I’m terribly sorry about that.
DORIAN
Oh, don’t be, you didn’t do anything!
DORIAN and MR. HENNESSEY both laugh, DORIAN heartily, MR. HENNESSEY nervously. TOM smiles uneasily, knowing what’s coming.
DORIAN (CON’T)
Anyway, though, well, what I was wondering is, well, when I die, I was hoping that maybe you could, well, chop me up and put me in cans, to put it bluntly.
MR. HENNESSEY laughs again, although a bit looser, this time. DORIAN joins in. TOM chuckles a small amount.
MR. HENNESSEY
Oh, that’s very good! Seriously, though, what services do you want us to provide?
DORIAN
I (pause) was being serious, sir.
MR. HENNESSEY
Pardon?
DORIAN
I was serious.
MR. HENNESSEY
(pause) You want us to render your corpse, and then can you?
DORIAN
Yes, so that way my friends can have a little bit of me.
MR. HENNESSEY
(pause) Have you considered cremation?
DORIAN
Why does everyone say that?
TOM
Because it’s the more socially acceptable option?
MR. HENNESSEY
I’m sorry, Mr. Gray, but we can’t really.. do that. It’s, well, we could lose our license. That’s incredibly unsanitary, if also (pause) very (longer pause) unsettling.
DORIAN
Well, I’m not going to feel it, I’m not saying to do it now.
MR. HENNESSEY
I suppose that is true, but, just the same.
DORIAN
Please, sir? I’m very wealthy, and I’d pay for not only the labor and materials, but also for the cleaning of the machinery. I know you’d want to clean it before and after.
MR. HENNESSEY
I (pause) appreciate your generosity, but I don’t think I could (pause) inflict that on my workers. Don’t you think it would be a little traumatic for them to see a human body being put into tins? Many tins? I mean, I’d say that you’re about (pauses as he sizes up Dorian), oh, maybe a hundred cans or so. As a rough estimate.
DORIAN
Wow, a hundred?
MR. HENNESSEY
Maybe a little less. I don’t know, I’ve never tinned a person before.
DORIAN
(to himself) Man, I must be really putting on the weight. (to MR. HENNESSEY) Are you sure? Is there anything that I could do?
MR. HENNESSEY
I don’t think so, Mr. Gray. I could phone down to the foreman, but, well, I’d prefer not to. I think you’ll understand.
DORIAN
(sighs) I suppose. Thank you for your time.
MR. HENNESSEY
I’m sorry, gentlemen. I hope you have better luck in your quest.
DORIAN
Thank you, Mr. Hennessey.
DORIAN leaves MR. HENNESSEY’S office dejected. TOM stands up, shakes MR. HENNESSEY’S hand goodbye, and follows him.
EXT – DORIAN’S CAR – DAY
Again, the top is down, and TOM and DORIAN are speaking loudly to be heard. The car moves a little slower this time, and a slight clunking noise is heard emanating from the car.
TOM
Well, that went better.
DORIAN
Yeah, at least he listened to us.
TOM
I’m just glad he didn’t throw us out.
DORIAN
He was a pretty good egg. If I couldn’t get into Felpak, I’d like to be a Hennessey.
TOM
You couldn’t get into either.
DORIAN is silent. TOM’S comment has hurt him a little.
TOM (CON’T)
Anyway, I’ve got an idea for this one. A different approach.
At this point, DORIAN’S CAR drives past the Kone Cans & More building, and turns into a nearby parking lot.
INT – KONE PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
Another president’s office, much like the other two, although closer to MR. HENNESSEY’S office in the amount of opulence, although where HENNESSEY’S was more classical and traditional, MS. KONE’S is modern. MS. KONE herself is young for a CEO, perhaps in the beginning of her 40s.
TOM and DORIAN are already sitting in front of her desk.
TOM
Hello, Ms. Kane, I’m Tom Howesebury, and this is Dorian Gray, and we’re here to make a business proposition for you!
MS. KONE
What sort of business proposition?
TOM
One where by just taking this contract, you can generate lots of publicity for yourself – and we’ll pay you!
MS. KONE
This isn’t illegal, is it?
TOM
Legality’s such a gray issue – a gray issue, much like Dorian Gray, here! Tell her, Mr. Gray, about this chance to get the name of Kone Cans & More in papers worldwide as a synonym for generosity!
DORIAN
That’s right! When people hear of such charities like, say, the Make a Wish Foundation, their hearts are warmed? Why? Because they’re spending money to make the dying wishes of children come true! How would you like to have that sort of reputation while getting money? Sure, it might not be an actual child you’ll be helping fulfill his dreams, but –
Cut to
EXT. – KONE CANS & MORE – DAY
We see DORIAN and TOM being frog-marched out the main doors by security.
DORIAN
Excuse me, uh, we parked in the indoor parking lot.
The security guard frog-marches DORIAN and TOM back inside. Cut to
INT – KONE CANS & MORE PARKING GARAGE
The elevator door opens and the security guard is still frog-marching DORIAN and TOM.
DORIAN
Ah, that’s right, this one is our floor, thanks.
The security guard gives the two of them a bit of a shove, and goes back on the elevator, to return to his post. DORIAN and TOM walk to DORIAN’S car.
TOM
Well, we still have a few days to go.
DORIAN
Yeah.
TOM
Want to start again tomorrow?
DORIAN
Yeah, I’m a bit tired. Want me to pick you up?
TOM
All right.
DORIAN and TOM get into DORIAN’S car and drive off.
INT. – ANOTHER CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
We see TOM and DORIAN sitting at another desk, as they have been.
PRESIDENT 1 (O.S.)
I’m sorry, we can’t.
DORIAN
Thank you.
Cut to:
INT. – A SECOND CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
The same shot, only TOM and DORIAN are wearing different clothing.
PRESIDENT 2 (O.S.)
No!
DORIAN
Thank you.
Cut to:
INT. – A THIRD CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
The same shot, only TOM and DORIAN are wearing still different clothing.
PRESIDENT 3 (O.S.)
Good lord! (choke)
DORIAN
Thank you.
Cut to:
INT. – A FOURTH CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
Again, the same shot, only TOM and DORIAN are wearing another set of different clothing.
PRESIDENT 4 (O.S.)
How dare you waste my time?
DORIAN
Thank you.
Cut to:
INT. – A FIFTH CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
Same thing. Again, different clothing. Over each iteration, DORIAN gets more depressed.
PRESIDENT 5 (O.S.)
You’re a horrible, horrible person! How can you even joke about cancer? My wife died of cancer!
DORIAN
Thank you.
Cut to:
INT. – A SIXTH CANNERY PRESIDENT’S OFFICE
Different clothing, same shot, dejected DORIAN.
PRESIDENT 6 (O.S.)
All right, we’ll do that.
DORIAN perks up a bit.
DORIAN
You will? That’s great!
We see the camera cut to who DORIAN is talking to. We see that PRESIDENT 6’s office is easily the most shabby. In fact, the place is a dive. PRESIDENT 6 is another youngish CEO, although, where MS. KONE was very professional, he’s very dirty and disheveled. He has a bit of a mean smile.
PRESIDENT 6
Hey, sure, kid, y’know, anything to help out someone who’s dying. Cancer’s pretty tough. That’s how my parents went. Both of ‘em. That’s how I know. So, y’know, anything to help out, that’s what I’m sayin’.
DORIAN
That’s great, thanks! I’ll have my lawyer work something and we’ll be in touch.
PRESIDENT 6
Here’s my card.
PRESIDENT 6 hands DORIAN an off-white, almost dingy, business card.
DORIAN
Thank you.
DORIAN gets up, as does TOM
DORIAN (CON’T)
We’ll be in touch.
DORIAN and TOM leave.
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