Will Riley 

Wow. This is quite a party, huh? And, I mean, look at this spread. They actually sprang for artichoke dip. I’d be sparing with the locks over there, though it’s great. The host ponied up for the smoked salmon, but you can really taste that it’s farmed. How do you know the host, anyhow. Oh, all right, okay. And sorry, what was your name again? And what do you do for work? Oh, me, I work in tech. I don’t like to brag about it too much, but I was the one who came up with the idea for Bumble biz. You know, it was the parallel Bumble where you swiped left and right on business connections. I think it was ahead of its time. Bumble really helped data say no to people with bad vibes in a low conflict and anonymous way. And I just put myself in the shoes of a business owner. You know, this random person is coming up to me online, and he’s like asking me for money. Those are some real bad vibes, you know, just swipe left. But I’ve moved on to greener pastures now I’m working for discardi at the moment. What’s that? Oh, well, it’s this brand new thing. Simply put, it’s a job application rejection platform. It allows job applicants to pay a fee to receive a rejection letter, and the fee gets split between the employer and our platform. It’s quite a promising prospect. How does that work? Well, I suppose it’ll be easier if I just tell you the story of our founder. You see, when our founder was fresh out of ivy, he made several applications for office jobs that didn’t really go anywhere. And whenever he got an email from HR going, you know, sorry, we’ve decided to go in another direction. He saw that they were quite happy to talk about other things. They tell him, if there were other postings coming up, what sort of new products we’re getting ready. However, if he ever asked them, I’m wondering, What am I missing that led to my rejection here? What could I possibly do different next time around? That’s when communications would instantly end, total blackout. That’s the one piece of info they would never give like it was some big secret. And of course, this is if they had the courtesy to tell him he hadn’t been picked in the first place with lots of jobs. You find out you didn’t get it because you just never get contacted. But our founder didn’t let that get him down. Oh no, he spent some time thinking about the business dynamics in play here. When someone gives you reasons that you weren’t hired, it’s basically advice. If someone just up and tells you what you need to do to get a job, you’re basically giving them a road map to self improvement. But this is the 21st century. If you tell someone they don’t have enough experience with Excel to get hired, that’s not just some social nicety anymore in the business, that’s what we call an actionable data insight. And those are gold in the 21st century economy. Entire corporations are built around finding them. They’re called consulting firms. Data insights secret. You jealously guard them from competitors. If you ever share data insights, you’re selling them for millions of dollars. That is why, whenever our founder asked why he wasn’t hired, all those HR managers clammed up, even if they didn’t have the language for it, they knew down to a deep subconscious level, that no employee worth their salt gives actionable data insights for free to some random guy off the street. I mean, you’d have your head on a pike. That’s why our founder invented discarding to rationalize that part of the job market streamlined. Now every rejected applicant can pay for the privilege of a detailed rejection letter, and the whole incentive structure changes. You know, now whenever you get turned down for a job, instead of navigating the prickly and often fruitless interaction of asking what you’re lacking as an employee, you can just send five bucks over. So imagine this, somebody applies on LinkedIn to be a copywriter at a marketing firm, gets rejected, and then the firm offers them the opportunity to send 10 bucks their way so they can find out why. A discardy message will come to their inbox. They’ll open up a digital envelope, or maybe crack open a digital loot box. We poached some animators from Blizzard, and we’re looking for ways to use them, but whatever the medium out comes a flashy message telling them, well, we didn’t hire you because we don’t like your vibe. Now you’re chuckling at the idea of paying 20 bucks to find out that your vibes are off, because it seems a little silly, but that is critical info. What if the applicant really was perfectly qualified? Imagine they got rejected for that job and spent years going back to school to re skill then they find out bad vibes were the only reason they didn’t get hired. When you compare it to the cost of a degree, isn’t it better to pay 40 bucks to find out? That’s all it was right now, discardi is in its early phases. Currently, most discarding messages are written by HR staff themselves, which is slow and unprofitable. But it won’t work once we can throw generative AI into the mix, though, things will speed right up. It may seem callous right now to pay $80 for an AI to say that your vibes are off, but in a few years, it’s going to be aI doing the hiring too. If you had a human writing the rejection letters, at that point, you’d be paying for an inferior service. Once the whole rejection industry is automated and discarded, eventually replaces LinkedIn and indeed entirely, that’s when we’re cooking with gas. If every applicant a business owner rejects is a chance to make $160 they’re incentivized to create as many job openings as possible, especially since they don’t have any obligation to actually hire anybody. You don’t have a labor pool anymore. What you have is a passive income stream. Imagine, every day a discarded user logs in hundreds of companies are firing up their AI models to generate jobs that fit their exact skills and interests so that they can get promptly turned down Chief Officer of hanging out professional millionaire unicorn and leprechaun Wrangler. Every company on earth will have an infinite number of job openings. It will grow the economy. All three parties win here. Discardi gets its cut. Job seekers win because they have so many more openings to apply for, even if they don’t get hired, and the 320 bucks each employer gets from each rejection is a huge windfall for them. Well, at that point, they won’t be called employers anymore, because they won’t actually be employing anybody. They’ll be called power users instead. Now you may think that creating hundreds of 1000s of fake job openings is immoral, but that small minded 20th century thinking in the aggregate, it’s good for the whole of society. Any random guy in a boardroom can tell you that the health of an economy isn’t measured by how many people are employed. I mean, that’s kind of childish. Is how many job openings there are at any time, because that means that the economy is more active hiring and firing someone provides only two economic actions. That’s only two data points to analyze. That’s pretty worthless. A job opening, on the other hand, may be able to get hundreds of applications. That’s hundreds of exploitable data points, hundreds of people participating in the marketplace, even if nobody is actually even hired. In fact, hiring somebody is a true wasted opportunity. People won’t apply for jobs anymore if they already have a job. Margaret Thatcher infamously said that there is no society now, obviously that’s ridiculous. No capitalist worth their salt truly believes that society exists, but it’s an exclusive club that, by definition, needs to get more exclusive over time or it loses its value. That’s why I think Bumble biz, my invention, needs a second bite at the apple. If the number of people actually within society is going to keep shrinking, the systems in place keeping people outside of it need to be efficient, automatic and in the case of discardi, monetized, everything the economy does is a move towards this minimizing employment and maximizing applications. To keep this machine running, we need to keep moving towards a future where nobody is employed, but everyone is still seeking work and discardi helps move that along. In the future, there will be only one man with one job, and the job will be job application rejector. He’ll be seated in front of a big screen with a big red button saying no, and every time a face shows up on the screen, he’ll push the No button and a new face will show up. I figure he’ll have the job because he has the strongest wrists out of anybody, and he can push the No button the fastest, the people will whiz off the screen faster and faster. The faces will get older and the faces will get thinner, and soon they’re all rejected so fast that they merge into a single face that looks like everyone. Now that’s just the first step in the plan, of course, because one day, this man’s wrists, once the strongest in the world, will break. So he won’t be able to push the No button anymore, but he won’t get anyone to take his place, because while there is a tiny Yes button for emergencies, you’ll need two guys to turn keys simultaneously like you were launching a nuke, and that man with the key will have been downsized decades ago to make the rejection business more efficient. So at that point, society will be unable to reject or accept anyone into its ranks. And that, I believe, will be the start of a brand new social order, or perhaps it is the end of all social order. I don’t know. It’s a future that none of us living today will ever be able to truly comprehend, but nonetheless, it is our solemn duty to make sure that it happens no matter what you.

 

Will Riley 

So our IPO is coming up Danger, danger,

 

 

danger

 

Speaker 1 

Danger Danger Danger Danger Danger Danger Danger, anyone in Danger,

 

Speaker 1 

danger, Danger, danger danger hasn’t come along yet. Danger, danger, danger,

 

Speaker 2 

oh, she’s never gonna say danger.

 

Speaker 2 

She could be a danger to herself and Dad, be a danger to us. Danger.

 

Speaker 3 

The Yeah,

 

Will Riley 

baby, it is that time again. It is time for another episode of infinite danger. And believe you, me, I’m really fired up. Hey everybody. It’s will again, just right off the top of the episode. There’s a little bit of housekeeping. I made a mistake last episode when I said that Canada was 10,000 square kilometers. It’s, you know, actually 10 million square kilometers. Little bit of an error. I forgot to include some of our more recent annexations. Call me a Disney live action production because I am a Flubber or an absent minded professor. Either one really works. Actually. You hear that, Peru, we’ve got 10 million square kilometers. Doesn’t matter how much arsenic you’ve got at your disposal. We have all this land and you can’t have it. Peru, you are losing a whole lot of critical allies. The next Paddington movie is actually going to be in Bolivia. Now, danger Bay, episode 12, sunken treasure, production code one, zero, 12, making this the only production code in the entire series that is accurate. The title for this app really does give away the game for what it’s about. But this is a very special episode that I like quite a bit. But in order to explain why, I have to explain how it’s so wrapped up in one particular guest actor here, by the name of Ross Hagan. Ross Hagan, who is not to be confused with Hagen Beggs, has a very particular style, a very specific look and voice, and a very specific sort of career. You might remember Ross Hagan from movies such as the Hellcats, the mini skirt mob. Here come the brides, angels, wild women, Melinda, Wonder Women.

 

Will Riley 

All right, just to clarify here, Ross Hagan is an actor with a long and storied career, but it is a story of ill repute of some kind. Danger Bay may have been the cleanest show he ever worked for. There’s a very big chunk of this man’s career that is just pure, uncut sleeves, which you may have seen on Red Letter Media or elsewhere, many of infinite dangers. Listeners may simply know him as Landon Ricketts, the guy who teaches you level three, dead eye in red, Dead Redemption. The voice he gives that character is for a very old, haggard man. And naturally you’d assume, well, this is his last role. He would be sort of haggard as you’d expect, but really, his in real life, voice hadn’t changed from that since he was 20, I gotta

 

 

hand it to you, Doc. It

 

Will Riley 

was also sort of a strange bookend for his career, which had started with Westerners. Ross Hagan got his start acting in TV Westerns when it was a big boom time and he had the exact look for it and the exact voice for it. However, in a case of sheer nominative determinism, Ross Hagan, born Leland Lando Lily, began to take successive elves, a very promising prospect for the western genre. Ross Hagan showed up in Hollywood just in time for TV Westerns to take a plot after there was no more money to be made with westerns. He did show up in the Elvis movie speedway. He also had a brief run as the voice actor for the party Marlin, but then had a long, pronounced stretch in his career dedicated to unabashed sleaze.

 

Speaker 4 

Ross Hagan is Mike harbor. He’ll work for anyone, do anything, if the price is right. Mike is marked for death in everyone’s book. Nothing

 

Will Riley 

outright pornographic. But basically, most of these movies would get put in theaters where, if bare breasts weren’t on the screen, within five minutes, people would start to file out. This means that if in the last episode, we had a supporting actor in an MST 3k favorite overdrawn at the memory bank today we have the lead of a rift tracks favorite Hagin plays the main male lead in Wonder Women, a movie so sweaty that it oozes off of the film having nothing to do with the comic book character the titular. Wonder Women were the bodyguards and foot soldiers of an evil female surgeon kidnapping prime human specimens so that super wealthy people could stick their brains in their bodies. Ross Hagan is the protagonist because in the world of the movie, The Wonder Women are invincible ass kickers until they face him a misogynist who fucks good. That’s really not much of an exaggeration of the plot. The movie was filmed entirely in Manila in the Philippines, partially to create some instant production value through, you know, location shooting, however, really the main point was to get away from the expenses behind making sure that you were properly following shooting laws, labor laws, animal abuse laws. There’s a real cockfight in this movie, and it’s in slow motion so you can catch every gory detail. I figure that’s why Pete Rose had a stake in the film. He’s always been a winner. There was not much of a budget for the action or stunt coordination on Wonder Women, apart from a single car chase scene, which seems to go on for 20 whole minutes, this meant that, for the most part, the action in Wonder Women can be synopsized, as Ross Hagan is in a powder blue suit with no shirt underneath. He’s sweating in a way that is uncomfortable to watch, and he is just dashing randomly around the streets of Manila firing his gun in different directions. Ross Hagans look and his voice made him perfect for TV westerns, but stick him in a quasi sci fi exploitation movie, and you look at his performance, and you just start going, what if a Virginia slim was a guy who could sweat

 

Speaker 4 

beautiful, luscious, mysterious dolls trained by the sinister dragon lady to do as they were told. They were killers, a sisterhood of death, but they were also women. Now,

 

Will Riley 

come on now, Doctor, you know, I can do anything. Johnny Walker black, so if Ross Hagan was somebody who had this sort of resume, how did he end up on a fairly family friendly show like danger Bay? Well, money was tight, and they needed an actor, but they needed somebody who would be okay getting paid in cigarettes,

 

Speaker 4 

see the most lethal kung fu karate females take men apart piece by Peace Bye, Wonder Woman rated PG, night,

 

Will Riley 

shade, illicit dreams. Two, carnal risk. Sorceress two, the temptress, the Escort three, super cock prison ship. It’s a women’s prison fugitive rage. She’s a fugitive from a women’s prison the calendar girl, killer bikini drive in Attack of the 60 foot centerfold. So that’s the main top of the ticket guy, Ross Hagan, and you’ll see, as I talk about the episode, how it sort of warps around, what kind of actor he is, what kind of person he is, but we’ve got a bunch of other people that are recognizable names to infinite danger listeners at this point, the first off being the director, Michael Barry. We’ve gone over a good swath of Michael Barry’s directorial efforts now, but I’ll bring this little one up. Did you know, there was a Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer show where they tried to pass BC off as the American antebellum South because they did.

 

Will Riley 

And Michael Barry worked on it. It was called Huckleberry Finn and his friends, perhaps more popularly known by its alternate title, de apentier von Tom soil und ruckelberry Finn, because this was a Canadian West German production. Now normally, I’d say that’s why they could get away with calling Pacific Canada the antebellum south, the audience in mind wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. I mean, that’s a part of the world where the people living there can’t even tell the difference between schlager and real music. But to be entirely fair, the production crew did realize filming in Vancouver really would strain the audience’s credulity. So instead, they. Filmed in Delta. That’s a whole bridge down from Vancouver. I mean, you want to portray the South. I like delta is almost at the Canadian US border. That’s like as South as you can go. That’s just the beauty of film. Tax credits, really the power of free money lets every place in the world become just a moldable lump of clay. For filmmakers, that’s why you can watch the Naked City even today and feel certain that Jules Dassin filmed this whole movie on location in New York City, right? But nope, it’s Jakarta. I really should also mention that the AB on Chuo von huko Barry Finn is another example of how Da Vinci’s inquest has cast a very long shadow over this entire podcast. Huck Finn’s actor in this show is Ian Tracy, who I recognize pretty instantly. He’s got a very recognizable gap in his front teeth. He goes on to play what I would say is the lead cop character of that whole show. And when you contemplate it, I mean, like, oh man, in your youth, you were a real Huck Finn, and by your 30s, you’re already a cop. Isn’t that the way life always goes

 

Will Riley 

on? The writing, end of things, Rick drew returns to get the teleplay credit for this episode. There are a lot of extra things I could be saying about Rick Drew and his writing career. In fact, he is the lead writer of his own TV show. But it is sort of serendipitous that Rick drew shows up here again at this particular moment, there has been a recent Docu series that has come out about the production of reboot, a cartoon you are legally required to be a fan of if you are a 30 something Canadian. So it’s fresh in people’s mind at the moment. Rick drew you’ll remember was the absolute auteur behind six.

 

Speaker 5 

We are the great har gak empire. Our forces are growing, and soon all the galaxy will again tremble before us. Why don’t you

 

Will Riley 

just a show that was a brazen attempt to copy the success of reboot. The parallels were so bolded and underlined that they hired the original production company, the by then moribund, mainframe entertainment, to assist. Imagine you are the inventor of Pokemon, but your life’s twists and turns have led you down such a bad road that you’ve ended up working in a factory in Hong Kong, and you’re making a bunch of action figures of Pikachu, except green. That’s what I figure that must have felt like. However, that’s not entirely fair. Back when I introduced it, I didn’t really mention that there were some original elements to it, yes, the premise of fighting for existence in a video game world remained, but unlike reboot, the show would have characters swap back and forth between the video game world and the real world, and one of the main characters was a game world native generating some sort of fish out of water stories. This is important, because if you are a legally mandated reboot fan. You’ll remember mainframe attempted a Revival Show of the reboot IP called The Guardian code, which was very poorly received by fans. The main things that fans didn’t like were one, characters would swap back and forth between the video game world and the real world, and two that one of the characters was a game world native generating some fish out of water. Stories when mainframe made this unpopular Guardian code show they just copied the people who were copying them. It’s a knock off of a knock off of a knock off of Tron. And I don’t know if anybody else has picked up on this. Have you seen have a chance to check out reboot the Guardian code, and if so, what are your thoughts on it?

 

Speaker 5 

Yes, I’ve heard of this. I actually got through about five minutes of the first episode.

 

Will Riley 

I think that there are more than enough people with YouTube channels who have the time to complain about reboot, The Guardian code, but none of them have made this ZIX connection. And I think it’s because, well, who cares about ZIX? ZIX is a cartoon for children, not like reboot. On the other end of the writing category, the story credit goes to a man by the name of Mark strange. I could go on about his writing credits. He actually wrote pseudonymously for the hawk Finn show I mentioned just a few minutes earlier. But listen, this man was an actor too, and that side of Mark Strange’s resume is far more interesting. Like, do you want me to talk about how he wrote a Beachcombers Christmas Special. No, he wrote the narration for a couple of educational IMAX documentaries. You want to hear about that? No, you don’t. Do you want to know that he was the juggernaut? Oh, I’m

 

Speaker 6 

scared. I better run. Oh, I’m. Lads, sticks and stones will break my bones, but tanks will never hurt me. Now, get out of my way. You’re violating my personal space. Oh,

 

Will Riley 

you want the ladder? Good, okay, so, yeah. He was the Juggernaut in the original 90s X Men cartoon. He played forge too. He was in the Silver Surfer cartoon as well. The very bizarre thing about Mark Strange’s Marvel tenure is that he doesn’t really seem to be a voice actor of Emmy stripe. He just did work for Marvel and then dipped when they stopped making shows leave him

 

Speaker 6 

alone. Truly don’t what she gonna do? Hit me with her diaper. Past

 

Will Riley 

that, he went straight to the most strictly Canadian live action fair there ever was fair like the Highlander series. Colon The Raven. To

 

Speaker 7 

me, she was just a thief. Another day on the job, but she wasn’t. She changed my life. Changed everything, and both of us knew from that moment on, nothing would ever be the same.

 

Will Riley 

Yes, I knew we would get here eventually. The Highlander TV series was a mainstay in the Vancouver area. As it was filming. It very almost was a show where Vancouver got to play itself. But a last no at the very last moment, they decided the show must take place in sea Coover, Washington, USA, where our hero, Duncan McLeod ran a freestyle dojo. They were so scared about having a show actually take place in Vancouver that they basically conjured up an alternate universe where Vancouver was in the USA. And I mean thinking about current events and the sort of Damocles hanging over our heads, I wouldn’t really like to think about that alternate universe right now, but we don’t actually get to talk about it past that, because this isn’t Highlander, the series. We’re talking about Highlander colon The Raven, a spin off series starring one of the side characters of the program, a TV spin off of a TV spin off of a movie. Today’s episode, it seems, has generation loss as a general theme. But again, it is based off of Highlander. Getting worse as you keep going, is sort of part and parcel with the whole franchise. Highlander, the Raven, was a fast flop. It lasted only a season. It didn’t even have the decency to be filmed in Vancouver. They did that in Toronto, which meant that Mark strange also had the opportunity to perform in a show called

 

Will Riley 

Forever night. So full disclosure, some time ago, I had a conversation with an acquaintance who was not a Canadian, about Canadian television, and when he was talking about it, he went, well, the two main shows that I can think of that immediately give me a filmed in Canada vibe were Highlander, the series and forever night. And I told him, Well, I haven’t encountered them recently in my research, but it really seems like only a matter of time before they show up Me and my big fucking mouth, I find a guy who was in both of them, and I have to extend my cast and crew section even more here forever night that’s night spelled with a K tells us the tale of one Nick Knight, a homicide cop on the rough streets of Toronto. He cracks the case, and he always gets his man, but what his fellow officers don’t know is that he’s hiding a terrible secret. He is an 800 year old vampire

 

 

now he wants to be mortal again,

 

Speaker 5 

to repay society for his sins,

 

 

to emerge from his World of Darkness,

 

 

from His endless forever night.

 

Will Riley 

So yeah, forever night is a show that you can condense into two words and an exclamation point, vampire cop. The program is peak 1992 from the premise to the lead actors, Dave Coulier, haircut to the Casso MIDI theme song. What’s odd is that, for the premise, I wouldn’t assert that it takes itself 100% seriously, but it is a show that is fully unapologetic about its premise. It is in love with its own esthetic, and strangely enough, for a TV show that has this two word high concept pitch for it, the human drama is the priority many times, because with the budget that the show has, they don’t really have a choice. Place all the vampire effects amount to on this show is cutting away from an actor and then cutting back and they have green contact lenses on now, practically nobody on forever Knight is winking at the camera about the show that they’re in. In fact, one of the supporting actors on forever night actually won a Gemini award for their performance that year. So let that sink in a little. The vampire cop show has more national acclaim than many of your own favorite programs. Remember that phrase national award winner, forever Knight. If I was asked to synopsize What the Forever Knight esthetic is, I suppose I’d say at the end of almost every episode there’s some variation of vampire Nick Knight looking in the corner and brooding. You

 

 

can’t imagine what it’s like.

 

 

Maybe not, but we all have our demons,

 

Will Riley 

not like this going tonight, I may have put another criminal behind bars, yet the greatest sinner of all, yet roams free. Me.

 

Speaker 8 

I haven’t felt such a powerful need for human blood in a long time.

 

Will Riley 

Then we cut to one of the recurring bad guy vampires, and he’s gone.

 

 

Oh, behold,

 

 

a pale horse, and when

 

Speaker 8 

night darkens the street, then wander forth, the sons of Belial flown with insolence and wine. Paradise Lost.

 

Speaker 6 

What’s she gonna do? Hit me with her diaper Rated PG.

 

Will Riley 

So the episode starts proper with imagery that really properly encapsulates the beauty of the Pacific Northwest. We’ve got a big close up of the jumbled limbs of an octopus

 

Speaker 1 

in a slippery guy boy. That’s enough exercise for you for today.

 

Will Riley 

This octopus is Houdini, who we have actually seen before on the farm episode, only this time, Houdini is a totally different species and also not potentially a corpse for most of the shooting.

 

Speaker 1 

We gotta do something about this cage. That’s the second time this week that he’s escaped. That’s why we called him Houdini,

 

Will Riley 

like a tank wasn’t enough. They’ve gotta put a cage around the tank as well. I was not expecting to see the Houdini octopus character carry over between episodes, at the very least, compared to the other episode, this octopus looks like it’s actually alive, as I said, and it doesn’t lay on top of a turtle to create a monstrosity that looks like it came out of existence, or anything like that. So big, thumbs up. A market improvement. It must be a very noisy part of the aquarium because all of the dialog is totally ADR here, spaghetti western style. You know how they say that Vancouver is Hollywood north? Well, I suppose that Vancouver Aquarium is China, Cheetah north, you see what I did there? Really this scene is actually some subtle social commentary, having a scene where grant Roberts is struggling to deal with this octopus. It’s actually very silently petitioning the government to nationalize the octopus catcher industry. I mean, this is 1984 these were all the bad old days. It’s hard to believe, but there used to be a time where if you had an octopus wrecking havoc in your house, and you didn’t have the octopus catcher company’s medallion on your door, their truck would just go past you. It’s really mind boggling to remember that, but really this is just preamble. The premise of the episode is explained very quickly. George

 

Speaker 9 

went to see you in his office. He wants you to go on a treasure hunt.

 

Will Riley 

What? Grant gives a big what. And then the theme song starts. The Way grant incredulously goes, what here is very great. He’s done it a bunch of times, every time that he expresses incredulity in danger Bay, his voice goes up to the exact same register. Other end of the team song. We’ve got some more reused B roll of the Vancouver Aquarium. Orcas are jumping in the air to eat herring suspended on a pull as we’ve seen before. It seems, according to the muffled voice over they still don’t really know at the Vancouver Aquarium why orcas jump. The last time they theorized why orcas jump, they were totally off base. Now they’re making a guess that they are jumping as some kind of watery back, scratchy, back,

 

 

scratch. You know, we don’t know that much about whales

 

Will Riley 

Grant Storms into Dr George Dunbar’s office, who’s got orcas swimming past his window, as usual. Up till now, the cameras have always focused on the side of George’s office, where you see the orcas, understandably, but this is the first time we actually get to see what’s on the opposite wall of his office, two giant photo portraits of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip. You have to understand, this is Canada, and she is was our monarch, and their prominence in the aquarium further demonstrates that the Vancouver Aquarium truly is some sort of government entity in this world. I initially thought it was odd that these pictures of the Royals were so large if they’re going to be in somebody’s private office, but you have to remember that these pictures on the wall are facing the orcas in the window, and so Hagen Beggs is basically helping them out. All Canadians have to pledge allegiance to a picture of the Queen every morning, and orcas are no exception,

 

Speaker 1 

George. What is all this about a treasure hunt? Some kind of a joke?

 

Speaker 4 

It’s no joke. It’s the real thing. Already

 

Will Riley 

standing next to George Dunbar in his office is Ross Hagen’s character, and he is already firing on all cylinders of the sleeze engine right out the gate. One look at him, and I can smell the spray tan in the room. His outfits in this episode deserve special attention, just as a forewarning, this app is going to have a running what is Ross Hagan wearing now segment, and this will be the first installment right now, Ross Hagan is wearing a cream three piece suit with black buttons, a mauve shirt and a baby blue tie. He is ready to sell me a luxury timeshare right here and now, his eyebrows are already huge, and makeup has made them even huger. His outfit is already mogging everybody else in the room. Grant, for his part, is wearing his gene effect business casual button up. But it seems in the intervening period between episodes, he’s chicken out. He’s decided that blue was too daring a color, and he’s dyed it a more professional light. It’s

 

 

no joke. It’s the

 

Speaker 10 

real thing. Mr. Caldwell here is independent marine researcher, but I understand you two know each other.

 

Speaker 1 

Oh, yeah, we go way back. Just last week, I threw him out of my office when

 

Will Riley 

I first heard that Ross Hagen’s character was an independent marine researcher, which is said in a way that you can hear the scare quotes around it. Initially, it strained my credulity the idea that marine biology has renegade bad boys, you know, but this is expertly lampshade and explained later on in danger Bay, when later seasons detail the fact that marine biologists actually have a ronin class in this world. What’s the

 

 

matter? Martin? Can’t you take a hint? Well, you

 

 

didn’t give me much of a chance to lay my cards on the table. Grand

 

Will Riley 

Ross Hagan says, like two lines, and I’m already going, Man, this guy’s voice is great. There is that line that some people have voices that can peel paint, and his voice is certainly gravely enough to fit that designation. But this is like, if there’s a Tiktok account dedicated to satisfying paint peels, the kind that you know, satisfying paint peels with family guy, funny moments playing off in the corner. Grant is given a truly ancient looking piece of parchment. It’s all preserved in a special frame. There’s obviously something important and historical about this piece of paper, and all grant can muster up is a glib sigh. Weigh the facts at hand. Look at this.

 

 

This isn’t Spanish.

 

Will Riley 

Oh, okay, so basically, it’s worthless. I mean, nobody could really know what’s written on that

 

Speaker 4 

that my friend, is a cargo manifest for the Sonora, an early 18th century Spanish naval vessel that went down in a storm off Galliano Island back in 1808, now we know for a fact she was carrying a fortune in gold, the entire holdings of King Carlos, the force nephew, raw gold and uncut gems.

 

Will Riley 

Now, obviously, in North America at least, we associate Spanish explorers a lot more with the American west coast, especially around California, but they really did come all the way up here to Vancouver and then well past it, there’s actually a chunk of land near UBC that we still call Spanish banks. Most people don’t know this, but the Spanish actually got the idea for paella from the Coast Salish peoples. They gave them the recipe as a sort of a prank, citing what we have from preserved oral tradition, I told these idiots to put shellfish and chicken in the same dish, and they actually bought it. I mean, I even told them, you should mix peas in with it. Nothing goes better with the taste of fishy chicken than the wholesome taste of peas. And even then, they didn’t get that. I was joking. They asked me, oh, what kind of seasoning do you put on this? So I told them, what’s the most prohibitively expensive season? You know, of these people really are morons. It rules that they’re richer than the rest of the entire world. That’s

 

Speaker 1 

nothing new. Martin divers have been searching for the Sonora for years, but

 

 

they didn’t know what was on her

 

Will Riley 

even way up north in BC and even the Yukon, the Spanish have the majority of this cultural mind share. As far as colonialism is concerned, I think there has only ever been one bit of screen media I’ve encountered that actually deals with contact between First Nations people and the Russians, which is real. It was in an APTN fantasy show called onish and the sun rock. But you know, generally, people just want to see the Spanish they want to see the red feathers on the helmets. They want to see the guys with the pencil mustaches if you’re watching a story about European colonialism and a big, imposing Galleon is looming over the coast, if those letters on that boat are in Cyrillic, I mean, nobody’s going to take you seriously. Grant Roberts, however, does not care about this history. He doesn’t care about the Spanish. He’s not really interested at all in looking for all this Spanish gold off of Galliano island. He thinks it’s a wild goose chase.

 

Speaker 1 

We can’t afford to waste our limited resources on conjecture like this. I’m sorry, Martin, George, we’re in the aquarium business.

 

Will Riley 

That’s right, George, we’re in the aquarium business apprehending cattle rustlers and busting Soviet smuggling operations. Those are fair game, but I draw the line at treasure hunts. The Vancouver Aquarium is strictly a law enforcement apparatus. George, whether something is in the aquarium business or not in the aquarium business, of course, is not really Grant’s motivation here. He actually has bad blood with this Ross Hagan character. He has

 

Speaker 1 

the credibility of a sand shark. Well, he’s the research consultant I took with me on that choral formation study.

 

Speaker 10 

You mean the one that made the divers come up too fast? Yes, that’s the guy

 

Speaker 1 

corner cutting Caldwell. I called him. Ever seen a kid with the Benz George? It’s not a pretty psych believe

 

Will Riley 

now this line about college kids getting the bends is actually sort of a sly oblique reference to a movie in ROSS Hagans career. He was in a film called sexy scuba party, which had the tagline on the poster. Some divers worry about getting the bends, but these feisty co EDS have no problem with a bending over. Interviewed later in life, Ross Hagan said, of the film, you know, sexy scuba party is a pretty generic title, even for this genre film, but you have to realize they were forced to change the title right at the last minute. The producers decided that muff divers was too racy a name

 

 

rated PG just not a pretty

 

Will Riley 

sight belief. So grant steadfastly refuses to be involved in this whole treasure hunt fiasco. So what is the thing that’s gonna happen in this episode that’s gonna force him to do it anyway? Well, for the second episode in a row, we’ve got a bunch of random pipes and valves getting all fucked up. The pipes shenanigans never end on this show.

 

Speaker 1 

I’d rather invest the money in a new boiler than risk it on Caldwell’s hair break treasure.

 

 

A new boiler is gonna cost us 1000s.

 

Will Riley 

You’d think that from the last episode, they’d have learned their lesson, but apparently, the Amazon Gallery in the Vancouver Aquarium is just perpetually on the edge of every specimen dying from temp fluctuations, like, are all the sloths gonna be dead by the next week? Well, we just don’t know. Just consider it. You

 

Speaker 1 

consider a new boiler, unless you’re willing to risk losing the Amazon gallery to the temperature fluctuations. But

 

Will Riley 

at the moment, all of this just exists to set the motivations for the next act. He does not officially say, Oh, I’m gonna do this treasure hunt, until a few minutes later, there has been a level of degradation to Grant’s authority and powers as these episodes have moved through. We started with Grant constantly giving surgery to animals that didn’t belong in the Aquarium’s purview, like they were birds, they were land mammals. At this stage, he’s struggling to even get the bare minimum of maintenance done. Of course, we have to account for the fact that this is just a

 

Speaker 10 

TV thing. You boilers gonna cost us 1000s money

 

Will Riley 

in television has always been in a state of quantum flux, the money in any one character’s wallet either multiplies itself or removes itself from the timeline based on what will make the script go. In one episode of a sitcom, The protagonist can’t afford to buy his kid an action figure so the child can learn a lesson about making the most with what you have. But then next episode, it’s the Brady Bunch goes to Monaco and in general, this is an acceptable permeable reality for television. Where it starts to fall apart is when a character is talking about a lack of funds, and then without comment, the show cuts to the private island mansion that they live in. The show moves us to Robert’s Island. Island as my sheer class resentment bubbles up to the surface just like one look at Grant Roberts’ house, and you go, Well, if you want money for a new boiler, why don’t you take a pay cut grant? Like, okay, it’s Island property, and they’ve got a private dock for three different boats. And you could even say that these are career necessities for him, but Robert’s Island has a swimming pool with as much square footage as the house itself. And yet my anger is soothed soon after by images of danger, the otter bathing in the family kitchen sink. Oh, she’s even got a little rubber ball she plays with. Oh, she’s sticking her nose in a box of sponges. I think she’s gonna dry herself off. I’m not mad at capitalism anymore. Paret, the Heartless monster just doesn’t care at all. His pet owner knows how to fully care for itself, and he just rolls his eye sipping his coffee in the morning like, oh, fishing for attention again. Are we we hear the horn of that school boat again.

 

Speaker 1 

Hey, YouTube, come on, get in gear. That school boat’s gonna be here any minute. And

 

Will Riley 

just to restate this, we already know that Jonah and Nicole do not go to any school that would require them to take a boat to get there. Jonah and Nicole stay and learn at the Overlook Hotel with Seth Rogen and Nathan fielder, really, this scene only exists so that grant can look at his morning paper, see a headline that he doesn’t like, and go, What the hell and storm into work. What?

 

 

What? What? George. Have

 

Speaker 10 

you seen this? Yes, Mr. Caldwell and I are just discussing his little premature press release.

 

Will Riley 

The Vancouver Sun erroneously confirms that the Vancouver Aquarium is already involved in Ross hagan’s little treasure hunt escapade, and that sparks an immediate confrontation with all the players involved in the newspaper. It’s a damn funny picture of Ross Hagan underneath that headline too. He’s just holding the framed piece of parchment and pointing at it with a massive smile on his face. It’s like a rapport era Stephen Colbert, like pointing at one of his black friends. He really just looks bewildered. He’s thinking somebody is asking to take a photograph of me, and there’s no breasts around. What gives I’m kidding, of course, Ross Hagan was actually very helpful and very instrumental in a lot of the stuff that had to do with this parchment. Manifest, he did a bunch to make sure that everything was as realistic as possible. This is a story relayed by one of the early prop masters, Balthazar sea grape. They showed Ross Hagen the framed parchment that he was going to be looking at and talking over for most of the episode. And he said, No, no, you’re really exaggerating the wear that this manifest would actually have. The Spanish Navy would have known that they were going to be gone rough waters. This means that naval officers at this time would have written all of their important documents on far more durable material. Trust me, I know this stuff. I played a Conquistador in the busty concubines of Montezuma. They asked

 

Speaker 4 

me about the treasure. Anything I might have mentioned about the aquarium was strictly off the record.

 

Will Riley 

Grant is so incensed and furious at the idea that he might be forced to be involved in the plot of this episode. He’s so mad, in fact, that he starts talking in a Brooklyn accent out of sheer confusion.

 

 

I had nothing to do with it. Grant, Oh,

 

 

really. Who’s this in the picture? Your twin brother,

 

Will Riley 

Ross Hagan, of course, is denying responsibility every step of the way. Look,

 

Speaker 4 

I kept a lid on this thing as long as I could. In this scene, he is now

 

Will Riley 

wearing a suit jacket with very wide lapels, shoulder pads and onyx, crushed velvet shirt with an open collar, in effect, having sold you the luxury timeshare the day before, this is now the outfit he wears when he comes back around the next day to tell you, you know, the regulations around sex work are pretty lax in the country your timeshare is in. And I’m just saying I can make some phone calls if you’re interested. But this argument never really truly concludes, because now we have to have yet another scene of random pipe and valve bullshit going wrong, just a bunch of random steam and smoke and shit just float off from in camera, and then a head of engineering dash is in just calling for help. Doc, Doc,

 

Speaker 11 

get doc, come quick hits the boiler this time it’s gonna blow

 

Will Riley 

despite the fact that the previous episode and this one are both revolving around a bunch of pipes and valves going wrong, there’s a totally new engineering guy in this episode. He’s basically a crusty old prospector type, and he talks in exactly that way. Wall E, the engineer from the previous episode, is nowhere to be seen. In fact, he never shows up on the show again. Apparently, Wally was liked enough by his boss, Dr George Dunbar, to be invited to his wedding, and yet, evidently not liked enough to stay employed.

 

 

What’s the matter with you? I was.

 

 

Some here for weddings.

 

Will Riley 

I suppose one of the advantages of having two episodes in a row that have on their script, the exact same thing a bunch of characters running around to see what’s wrong with all the pipes in the aquarium is that you get to see the different signatures of each director. If last episode’s pipe fiasco was filmed like Das Boot, I suppose this one is filmed like Metropolis, lots of Dutch angles and people struggling to turn valves, plus the fact that all this steam is in the air and there isn’t really any logical place for to be coming from. It’s it’s more of a German expressionist approach to the pipe scene so prevalent now in the aquarium crime genre. I guess this shows us that an auteurist vision for danger Bay episodes is deeply important. Last episode, I said that all of the people working engineering in the Vancouver Aquarium, all looked like they were Chief O’Brien and that they were basically treated as sci fi engineers, to some extent. If you don’t believe me when I said that, note the fact that everybody is calling this engineering guy chief. We don’t ever know his name. He just gets called chief.

 

Speaker 12 

What happened? Chief? That old tea kettle was gonna pop. That’s what happened. How about it? George,

 

Speaker 10 

I got over the books crap. We just can’t come up with $12,000

 

Will Riley 

like that. I gotta say again, I don’t know, Grant rent your house out to some Hollywood executive for a weekend, sleep on a friend’s couch, and you will get $12,000 and more.

 

Speaker 4 

If the Sonora has what I think she has on it, you guys can buy yourself 100 new boilers.

 

Will Riley 

And so grant finally relents. He agrees to slap a treasure hunt onto his customary yearly spawning inspection tour. Maybe there’s

 

Speaker 1 

something down there, and maybe we’ll find it, but I’m in charge of this operation or there’s no deal understood,

 

 

whatever you say skill.

 

Will Riley 

And Ross Hagan gives him a big grin, as if to say, Look at me. I’m a handsome and trustworthy man. And as he smiles, it is revealed that his smile is disconcertingly white. Ross Hagan has got that Essex look, my friends, absolutely no time wasted. The very next day, Grant is loading up the boat to go on a Spanish treasure expedition as a man who looks like Gene shallots son loads the hole with scuba tapes. They’re shoving off from the North Vancouver Wharf, actually, which is easier to film from because it’s where most of the houseboats were at the time, so they’re incurring less work stoppage basically. Remember, these are the people with houseboats, not people using their boats as their houses. We’ve already seen the boat hobos in this show. These people are one step above them in the Vancouver social hierarchy. Remember, the Vancouverites who live in boats are the ones victimized by high rents. The people in house boats are the ones making sure those rents stay high. Those are the upstanding citizens. Ross Hagan is on the docks, and he is chatting with a TV interviewer. He’s chatting up a TV interviewer, in fact, Caldwell,

 

Speaker 9 

what exactly will you be looking for out there on the Sonora? If you find the ship that is,

 

Speaker 4 

well, I’m not at liberty to stay right now, but when we find it, you’ll be the first to know.

 

 

Are you with us or not? Caldwell coming boss. He

 

Will Riley 

is now wearing probably the best outfit in the entire show. He’s got a raw leather patch jacket where each patch of leather has been stitched together with very puffy fur. Underneath that jacket, he’s wearing a horizontal black and white striped long sleeve tee, the kind that every stereotypical French man in movies wears, and tying it all together is a black Speed Racer Ascot around his neck and a big Texan belt buckle around his waist. Oh, you know, it’s actually pretty simple. The costuming department was trying to economize, so I simply offered to reuse some of my old duds from the filming of the sensuous Adventures of Francois cockdure gigolo of the Laurentian mountains with a title like that. You know, it does sound borderline pornographic, but really it was Canadian content, so we got a pretty good tax deal on it. He’s dressed up like some sort of Parisian living in the Rocky Mountains in Texas somehow. But also is racing cars for a living champion about routine scientific experiments, any treasure hunting we

 

Speaker 1 

get into is strictly a. Side trip. Does that mean you don’t think you’ll find the ship? It means, I don’t know. Excuse me,

 

Will Riley 

after the best dressed man on the seven seas leaves port, we cut to commercial, and then when we come back, five whole days have passed, we have another exterior shot of Roberts Island, and it turns out that in their house there is a makeshift command system, a radio system for Grant’s boat to get in touch with home base.

 

Speaker 13 

Come in, kids, short star, calling Roberts Island. Anybody home? Roberts Island? Here. Come in. Our star,

 

 

Hi, Dad. It’s been five days now. Have you found anything yet?

 

Will Riley 

The Thunderbirds, parallels between Tracy Island and Roberts Island are rearing their head again here, but early on, danger Bay is still technically a smaller budget. Show the Roberts don’t have the giant video picture frames to talk to each other through until a few seasons later. Of course.

 

Speaker 14 

Go ahead, John, we have our first emergency call. Father, Robert, silent, here, come in your store, the new fire, Flash Max, six atomic airliners in distress at London Airport. Let

 

 

me put it this way. Start warming up the crew

 

 

for my dinner. Okay,

 

Speaker 4 

Scott, I’ll organize that right away. Virgil, away. You go.

 

Speaker 15 

Right. Father, right. Father, okay. Father, Hi. Dad, sure thing. Dad, yeah. Father, right. Father,

 

Will Riley 

ultimately, the scene is presented this way to make sure that they don’t have to film anything out on the open seas, and thus balloon the budget throughout the scene. When grant is talking, they’ll cut to a very distant image of a boat filmed from on shore, of course, far enough away to hide the fact that the pilot of the boat isn’t grant and isn’t even holding a radio receiver as he talks bit of a tragic story here, actually, the man standing in for Dawn, Rhodes here, evidently, the mental load of being grant Roberts sort of was too much for his brain to handle. You know how in the 1800s there were all those French asylums with people who were claiming they were Napoleon that basically happened here. Every day. He’d do his hair the exact same way as John Rhodes wear Don Rhodes’ same sort of sweaters, chew John Rhodes’s preferred brand of gum. He even claimed that he knew how to ride a horse. He kept a doll in his room that he kept practicing divorcing every day to add some versimilitude to the Roberts house. However, there are some framed adolescent pictures of Chris crab and ocean Hellman on top of the radio. But since these are real photos taken in very different times and places, ocean Hellman’s got a very professionally done color headshot, or like a school photo, and Krabs got a baby photo in total black and white. Now you’d think that that didn’t make it an artsy photo, or something shot on some kind of an antique but no, every Chris crab photo till he’s like, seven years old is just black and white. He just did that to cameras. Scientists think that he projected some sort of field out of his body. They don’t really have any explanation for it. They were taking photos of him every day of his life for experiments, ever since he was six months old. That’s why he has such a natural screen presence. He’s used to him start warming

 

 

up the crew for my dinner.

 

Speaker 9 

You found it. What is it? Dad? Gold

 

Speaker 13 

that remains to be seen. Meet us at the aquarium. All right.

 

Will Riley 

Cut to the Vancouver Aquarium, and they are hauling in a sopping wet black treasure chest using a complex system of chains and pulleys. Careful

 

Speaker 10 

though, boys, it weighs a ton. Watch the step real honest

 

Will Riley 

to goodness, treasure chest. They hoist it all the way up, and then they leave it hanging in mid air, right next to the clearly visible boom mic. Despite transporting this giant, heavy treasure chest, they have apparently not even opened the thing, because Ross Hagan has some creative control here, so to speak. Caldwell

 

 

here wants to prolong the suspense.

 

Speaker 10 

I think it’s a marvelous idea. We’re going to put the chest on display for one week before we open it. That’ll give the public an opportunity to anticipate what’s inside.

 

Speaker 4 

Witness. It can’t hurt to win another week that should really pack the crowd in for you folks, why

 

Speaker 9 

don’t we set up some kind of display to collect donations with a new boiler. Ah, you’re talking can we help Sure,

 

Will Riley 

taking into account, of course, that there may be nothing in the chest at all. This whole dynamic, this what’s in the old box, build up suspense, sort of media circus idea. This episode is obviously making a sort of slice skewering of the Geraldo Rivera secret of Al Capone’s vault special. Now, if you don’t know what that was, it was basically a teachable lesson in media hype. There was all this build up for what might have been in this unopened vault belonging to Al Capone. I’m

 

Speaker 16 

Geraldo Rivera, and you’re about to witness a lot. Live television event, a massive concrete vault has been discovered. Well tonight, for the first time, that vault is going to be open live. Brought

 

Speaker 5 

to you by Stros and stroll light. Now you’re talking good times, and stroze is spoken here.

 

Will Riley 

And then on live television, they unlock the thing, open it, and basically the only thing in this vault were Al Capone’s furry art commissions. He was into mice and was very hush hush at the time,

 

Speaker 16 

you know, to briefly review, we found some bottles. We sat we found some other artifacts. The tunnels, or rather, the voltage space, did date back to the time of Scarface Al Capone, but I don’t know,

 

Will Riley 

but I did discover that there is actually a more direct inspiration for this, and actually it’s more nautically based as well. There was a media event that actually probably inspired Geraldo Rivera’s special as well. There was this thing about the SS Andrea Doria, which was this Italian ship that sunk, and they, too, found a sunken vault and they rediscovered it and opened it on live TV with disappointing results. It’s it’s actually, it’s sort of interesting that one of these things is in the public memory, and the other isn’t, basically because one of these people doing it is now like a world famous charlatan. Thank you

 

Speaker 16 

for watching. I promised all the critics that if we didn’t find anything, I’d sing a song. So Chicago, Chicago there, Taubman town. All right, I’m going, I’ll see you.

 

Speaker 5 

The mystery of Al Capone Falls has been brought to you by Budweiser Beachwood, aged for that clean, crisp taste. This Bud’s for you and by the good products and good people at the Quaker Oats company. Where

 

Speaker 17 

are you gonna put it? Is this security gonna be a problem?

 

Speaker 1 

No, I hadn’t thought of that. I got an idea. Let’s drop it in the Shark Tank. Been in Davy Jones’s Locker for 200 years. Another

 

Speaker 4 

week won’t hurt it. Hey, Grant, do we really

 

Speaker 1 

have to do that? Probably not, but it certainly will keep the curiosity seekers at a safe distance,

 

Will Riley 

since the structure of the next act is now already established, there’s time for this cutesy interlude where we get to see Houdini, the octopus in some more crazy, lovable hijinks. We see him in the process of slaughtering other animals.

 

Speaker 11 

It’s that Don Houdini, he got out of his tank and he’s into my dungeon as crabs.

 

Will Riley 

We see real footage of an octopus stretching out his tentacles over live scuttling crabs and dragging them underneath its unseen mouth one by one. What am

 

 

I gonna do? Like I can’t stand touching them things.

 

 

Well, you’re not gonna get ’em off of now

 

Will Riley 

I should add that Houdini, the octopus, has yet again, changed to a different breed and color between scenes. If I am correct that they bought the Houdini from the previous episode at like a Greek supermarket, I guess it’s fair to feed this living Houdini and other different denizen of the Safeway fish aisle. This is just a light comedy scene, but it feels like there are two different drafts of this script that just got slammed together here, the fact they’re Dungeness crabs gives me the impression that the boiler chief was keeping these animals with the intention of eating them later, like these are his lunch in this tank. But I figure someone else on the team thought it was weird that an aquarium employee was just keeping a living lunch in their tank. So they change it to the crabs being this guy’s pets.

 

Speaker 1 

I’m sorry about your pets, Chief, all I can do is put him back in his tank after he’s done. But

 

Will Riley 

if that was true and he was currently watching all of his beloved pets get swallowed whole, one by one by an evil cephalopod, he’d have a reaction stronger than Ooh, Why I oughta. I mean, if an octopus ate a cat or a dog in front of me, that’d tear me up like crazy. I mean, that’s like two or three days of leftovers alone. This, in my mind, is why the octopus catchers department has to be a government funded service. It really is crazy to me that it is still a private industry state side, the first sign that something is wrong with this whole treasure chest plan is Grant Roberts walking into the back rooms of the aquarium and coming face to face with a locksmith that Ross Hagan has hired to open this chest ahead of schedule. I

 

 

don’t see any way I can get this open. I thought

 

Speaker 1 

we were gonna wait. You guys are worse than a bunch of kids at Christmas time.

 

Speaker 4 

It would be kind of amiclimatic If we had the crowd there waiting and we couldn’t get the darn box open. Grant Roberts, this is Lena, a good lady to know when you lock your keys in your car. Hi,

 

Will Riley 

1. At this point, I think it bears noting that whenever the antagonist is a female or the antagonist has a female associate, every single one of them has had the same hairdo, the ladies poaching the Falcon eggs. Lena here, Becky. Becky, my love. It’s the 80s, and there’s a very particular look for. 80s hair, so you can’t really blame them, but every female bad guy in this show is just a mass of tight curls held together with super glue. The genre, Western pedigree is really strong in this show, they couldn’t have the bad guys all have the designated black hat, so they were forced to figure out something else, and they gave all the bad guys, the designated volumizing blow dry instead lena’s actress here, Deanne Henry, will actually go on to be in three more episodes of danger Bay. She’s sort of like the Dave Coulier poacher in that sense. She’s popped up in a few filmed in Vancouver, TV shows that were recognizable to me, Adventures of Black Stallion sliders, of course, the crow television series. What interested me most about looking at her filmography, though, was that she was sort of double dipping, in a sense, because she was also an actress in the 1987 revival of Sea Hunt, which was odd to me, because I never knew there was a program named Sea Hunt to revive in the first place.

 

Will Riley 

But it turns out it was a very successful TV show in the 50s and 60s. It was about the adventures of an ex Navy frog man, and every single episode was some new ocean based crime or caper that he needed to fight his way out of while. The reason for why what’s happening on screen is happening is different. The premise is fundamentally the same as danger Bay. It’s about catching aquatic based criminals. I figure that the people who owned the rights to Sea Hunt saw that people were putting two TVs with danger Bay on them next to each other, and whipping their head back and forth between the two of them, so that they could give the show twice as many ratings. And they realized, well, we’ve got something in our IPE library that is very similar to this. Let’s see if we can capitalize. Let’s ride this wave, so to speak. And Dee Ann Henry got to diversify her portfolio, so to speak, whichever aquatic crime thriller was going to come up on top she was going to come up on top with it. But the Sea Hunt revival never really got off the ground. It only lasted one season, and really none of the people who were on that show, other than Deanne Henry, really ever showed up in the industry again. They just sort of disappeared. I don’t know what happened there.

 

Speaker 18 

You’re gonna have to pry this off at the unveiling. These old locks are very complicated. Besides, the whole thing is completely cemented with erosion. The Lena

 

Will Riley 

character says she can’t open up the lock, and she walks off screen. Grant is sort of eyeing her with suspicion. And then in this scene, Grant Roberts, who has previously only been talking shit about Ross Hagans character behind his back, finally out and says it so,

 

 

Grant, are you ready to apologize for your skepticism?

 

Speaker 1 

I was wrong, but that doesn’t mean I’m sorry you and I don’t have a very good record. You know it. It goes way back to our university days. The rest of us were breaking our backs trying to learn something. You were playing poker all night setting up dice games in the Dean’s office. I just don’t like you. Caldwell,

 

Will Riley 

what I like about this exchange is that we’re now unveiling that Ross Hagans character is not just sleazy in terms of how he presents himself. He is actually running with a sleazy crowd and doing sleazy things. This guy is getting up to all the same things that Ross Hagen characters get up to in the more adult fare. This is just the one TV why seven entry in the Ross Hagan cinematic universe, deadly

 

Speaker 4 

with their hands, deadlier with their bodies. You never know what they’ll come up with next. Maybe a kiss in the dark, maybe a karate chop in the neck. Well, I guess I was kind of while back then. For

 

Will Riley 

all we know, this treasure hunter character talking to grant right now could be the same guy as in booty call the buried treasure of Francisco. Verga duro, speaking of in this scene, Ross Hagan is wearing one of those black leather motorcycle jackets made for people who don’t actually ride motorcycles. He has designer sunglasses, but he’s not wearing them indoors, so he’s put them in a deliberately too small front pocket so they’re still prominently displayed. And he’s got his collar down to, I figure the sixth button. He’s wearing the outfit all tech CEOs where when they don’t realize their company is going to go under in six months, but

 

Speaker 4 

people grow, Grant, they change. Maybe I’ve learned a few hard lessons. Well,

 

 

good for you, Martin. I hope it sticks.

 

Will Riley 

It’s now time to put the chest in the shark tank for real,

 

Speaker 10 

the secret treasure of the Sonora returns to the custodians of the deep

 

Will Riley 

total nitpick here, but the characters have previously mentioned just how well preserved this chest is and how everything will be fine. It looks like it

 

Speaker 1 

held up pretty well. I know it’s amazing what being. Buried in mud will do to preserve them, but

 

Will Riley 

as they drop it in with the sawtooth, this perfectly sealed, pristinely preserved chest immediately shoots out a horrifying amount of air bubbles. I mean, in the world of this show, everything in the chest is fine, but if there was ever anything well preserved in that chest before there definitely isn’t any. Now, say goodbye to all of those documents. But I mean, I guess the documents are worthless. They were in Spanish pan away from the chest and the sawtooth sharks and right off to the side, the gang has set up one of those transparent collection boxes with one of those big paper money counting thermometer. This is terrific.

 

Speaker 1 

You guys here. Let me be the first $11,995

 

 

to go rom 11,994

 

Will Riley 

don’t let the dialog of this audio medium fool you grant and Jonah are referring to different amounts of money here as they make their donations, both of them on screen have just put in the same Canadian $20 bill. The only real reason I can think of as to why is that out of all of the Canadian paper money, the 20 is the only green bill. I think that they were seriously worried that American viewers on the Disney Channel really wouldn’t figure out money was being exchanged here. If the paper was blue or purple, I guess it means they’re being more generous than their dialog suggests, at the very least, it’s better than sticking Canadian Tire money in the collection box, similar to this one bill having three potential different values. I’ve harped on about this already, but the Vancouver Aquarium’s coffers seem to be in a point where reality fluctuates in true televisual style. Putting aside the fact that the aquarium is some sort of police organization, you have to keep in mind that they’re acting here like they’re on their last legs, and they need donations to stay afloat when a few episodes back, somebody donated an entire island to them for free. This is going to make an excellent research

 

 

facility for

 

 

1. Yeah, I still can’t believe they’re giving it away. It

 

Will Riley 

is odd to see a donation box for an institution that may or may not have the power of eminent domain in this universe, but I suppose it’s not that much different from when people donate to the policeman’s Benevolent Association in the US on top of their tax dollars. Have you tipped your police officer today? Ross Hagan, meanwhile, is not focused on whatever filthy lucre is in the donation box. He’s more interested in whatever might be in that treasure chest in the sawtooth Shark Tank, staring at the chest ominously as the sharks swim around it. Unsurprisingly, something is up, which is confirmed right after the commercial break,

 

Will Riley 

we fade into the aquarium parking lot and sitting in his incredibly rectangular red convertible, Ross Hagan waits for a somehow even more rectangular car to come up alongside. The window comes down, and lena’s hairdo arrives on the scene, followed a few seconds later by Lena herself, in a move that respects the audience’s intelligence, it’s just taken as a given that he’s gonna steal the treasure chest. They don’t even introduce the idea wasn’t easy. This should do it. Thanks. The story about the lock on the chest not being able to be open, that was just a big lie. She hands Ross Hagan a key she made the day before I

 

Speaker 4 

told him I was gonna be out of town until after the big grand opening. Thanks to this key you made, they’ll never know the lock’s been open. So

 

Will Riley 

it’s taken as a given that he’s gonna steal the loot. The other thing that’s taken as a given is that he’s using the loot that he’s gonna steal to pay off loan sharks for his massive gambling debts. What about the

 

Speaker 4 

sharks? I told those gorillas I’d pay him everything I own next week. I prefer compound interest to compound fractures. I

 

 

don’t mean the loan sharks.

 

Will Riley 

This is one of those places where casting can actually do a screenwriter’s job. You could take up precious minutes of a 22 minute show with an expository scene explaining how and why this character ended up in gambling debt and to who why this is his scheme to pay it off. Or you could cast Ross Hagan, and essentially ask the audience, look at this man. Is this the face of a man who isn’t in crippling gambling debt? Is this the face of a man who doesn’t bet on the ponies? This isn’t speculative on my part. Other directors would then go on to hire Ross Hagan for his patented gambling addiction face. He’d go on to use this particular attribute as an actor in films such as sexual roulette. Sexual roulette, released in 1997 by Royal Oaks entertainment re released later as carnal risk and weekend in Vegas. There’s no real reason for me to give these details. I just feel compelled to let everyone. Know that sexual roulette was a very real movie, and Ross Hagan was very much in

 

Speaker 18 

1. I don’t mean the loan sharks. I mean the kind in the aquarium. The

 

 

bigger the risk, the bigger the payoff.

 

Will Riley 

The treasure chest is being held in the shark tank by a chain. He doesn’t have to deal with the sharks at all. He just has to pull up a chain. But you know that when he gets back to Lena, he’s going to talk about it as if he fought them off with his bare hands anyway. Cut to inside the Vancouver Aquarium, and it turns out asking aquarium patrons to donate was essentially pointless.

 

Speaker 10 

All right, kidneys, let’s show your dad and Donna where we’re at. Oh, really,

 

Will Riley 

between the beginning of the day and the end of the day, the money thermometer has leapt up to the needed 12k instantly. You’re kidding, isn’t it? Great, dad, a corporate sponsor has chipped in the moment they found out that the aquarium needed cash in the first place. I

 

Speaker 10 

called every corporate sponsor I know, finally, damcom came through with the whole kitten caboodle.

 

Will Riley 

But the thing is that the kids haven’t raised up this money thermometer to the needed 12k until just right now, as their dad is entering the room. They kept it down at the bottom up till now. So that means that the aquarium has been taking donations from regular, well meaning consumers all this time, while keeping the fact they’re already fully funded by corporate backers on the down low. This means that danger Bay has invented the Kickstarter strategy 30 years early. The staff of the aquarium is just openly talking about this ethically murky corporate practice that they’re engaged in. And the fact that Michelle Chan is present for this scene and laughing harder about it than anybody else in the room seems eerily prescient.

 

 

That’s great. George

 

Will Riley 

Hagan begs just a weird little Pied Piper impression with his pen as a flute here, and does a big snort laugh. I genuinely don’t know what this gesture to the fairy tale is supposed to mean in this context. Are you like tricking them or leading them along? I mean, the aquarium did actually need this money? Is he mind controlling the sponsor somehow? Is he gonna kidnap the sponsor’s children if they don’t pay? We simply don’t know. Demcom

 

 

came through with the whole kitten caboodle.

 

Will Riley 

For my part, I had never heard of the DEM com Corporation until now. I only knew of demcom as the political tendency they want to liquidate the bourgeoisie and create a classless society administered by a cadre of local Soviets, but only if Nancy Pelosi oversees it. I’ll tell the chief to go ahead and

 

 

order that new boiler right away

 

Speaker 9 

so we didn’t need to go treasure hunting. After all, sometimes

 

Speaker 1 

the best place to start a treasure hunt is right in your own backyard. This

 

Will Riley 

seems to me like the exact opposite of the lesson taught to us here. The Benefactor in question is a giant, faceless multinational. How many demcoms are in people’s backyards? I mean, I suppose if you’re grant Robert, you live on a private island and you have the power to tell the police what to do, maybe billionaires are in his backyard. I now, Knight has fallen in the aquarium, and it is time for Ross Hagan to spring his heist plan into action. Apparently, Lena has taught him a few more lock picking tricks. He jimmies open an office door. He begins casing the halls of the aquarium with the smallest flashlight 1984 has to offer between his thumb and forefinger. You can tell that Ross Hagans character is trying to be sneaky in this scene because he’s wearing the stealthiest thing he’s got in his repertoire, a $500 black turtleneck. He’s even downgraded his shiny gold watch for a shiny silver one. That’s how serious he is about stealth. Here you just know that he wanted to put on the form fitting Bella clava so he could do the full diabol leak and enter maximum Italian mode. Of course, by now, the danger Bay audience realizes that grant is going to show up here somehow and stop Ross Hagan eventually. But of course, we need an excuse for grant to be at the aquarium at night time too. So there will be the climax that we need the next scene provides that. The thing is, all they really need to do is cut to Robert’s Island and have him get called on the phone with another emergency with the old boiler. Hello.

 

Speaker 1 

Wait, slow down a minute, Chief. What? Hang on. I’ll be there as soon as I can.

 

Will Riley 

And ultimately, that’s what they do. But they tag a one sentence intro to this scene that I just can’t get out of my head as this 32nd scene starts, Grant has just brought Joyce home after a night at the theater, and she drops this long. That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Yeah, I just can’t stop contemplating this. I mean, just think about it. One of the best plays she has ever seen. We are currently watching a woman digesting the fact that a new, higher bar has been set in her life. It’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Yeah, the new personal high point for an entire medium of expression, a life altering experience, one of the best plays she’s ever seen in her life. That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Right now she is telling the man standing next to her grant, my preconceived notions of the limits of the dramaturgical form have been shattered beyond recognition. The trajectory of my entire existence has been irrevocably altered. Thanks to this play, I have learned that what humanity is capable of doing goes beyond even my loftiest expectations. From this night forward, grant I will never be the same. That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Yeah, if there has ever been a piece of media that you’ve really liked, you know that obviously this is not how you talk about it. I just love how contentless and unenthusiastic such a superlative claim is made here. That’s one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. I like to imagine that they just saw something like Samuel Beckett’s end game, and this is all they have to say about it, like zero interpretive conversation. Yeah, if you were August Strindberg, and this was all you heard from the audience in the lobby, when your play was done, you’d jump out a window. It’s not about whether the play is simply good or bad you as August Strindberg would think, as you fell for stories, it’s about how much I hate women. That’s

 

Speaker 17 

one of the best plays I’ve ever seen. Yeah, how about a cup of coffee for the road?

 

Will Riley 

Cut back to Ross Hagan at the aquarium picking at yet another door lock. Apparently, the locks at the aquarium are so bad, or he is such a good lock pick, you can just speed through every single one of them as if the Bethesda follow games are accurate depictions of what lockpicking is like. For Grant’s part, as he enters the Vancouver Aquarium in a rush, he’s got a mindset more like a Metal Gear Solid guard. That’s funny, that shouldn’t be unlocked. This door shouldn’t be unlocked. Whose footprints are these? Ross Hagen sneaks past them easily. He just hides under some stairs and then gets back to work.

 

Will Riley 

We get more Fritz laying Metropolis shots of pipes and valves and steam coming from nowhere, but this scene is really totally perfunctory at this point, like they’ve already established that they’re gonna get a new boiler. They’ve got the money for it. The chief brought grant all the way from his private island to the aquarium, basically just to get a second hand to turn a valve. That’s the sum total of everything that grant actually does with the boiler. This scene like this is a job that basically anybody else other than grant could be doing. Grant doesn’t get bionic grip until like season eight. Ah, well, they

 

Speaker 11 

don’t want to rise here next week. She should hold to Lynn, I could

 

Speaker 17 

use that cup of coffee now. Yeah, do you have anything smaller around here that boils water as

 

Will Riley 

she’s searching for coffee? Joyce finally sees Ross Hagan screwing around with all the chains and locks without him knowing that she’s there. It’s sort of ironic. He’s done all this lock picking and he’s been hiding under stairs and all of this. And meanwhile, Joyce can just walk all the way through a doorway and then turn all the way around and exit and not get caught at all. Come on, baby. Despite Ross Hagan actually having a key that can just open up this lock I guess he’s in lock picking mode, because it’s taking him forever to get this key to actually turn. He’s still fiddling around as if he’s using a hair pin. Joyce runs off to warn grant and the boiler chief, you know, Ross Hagan is here. He’s causing trouble, which seems like they would be setting up some sort of a climax or a fight scene or a chase or something like that. But just as Ross Hagan is about to open the lock on the chest, the problem basically solves itself. Ross Hagan is so focused on doing these lock picking maneuvers with the key to the logo on baby that he doesn’t notice that at his feet, Houdini, the octopus, who is now another different breed and color, starts crawling up his leg. Houdini doesn’t really trip Ross Hagan or make him slip or anything like that. When he grabs onto his leg, Ross Hagan just does a full vertical leap of fright, Scooby Doo style, splashing into a small storage tank. When I say Scooby Doo style, I’m not just drawing this from the ether. As Ross Hagan says, as he gives his final villain speech, I had

 

Speaker 4 

to do it. Grandpa. I needed big bucks fast. How they gotten away with two if it hadn’t been for that

 

Will Riley 

octopus? And I mean, really, with how Hanna Barbera self cannibalizes its shows, I wouldn’t be surprised if this turns out to be a line from an actual TV show of theirs, like you’d be watching a Hanna Barbera show. Somebody would say, I’d have got away with it too if it weren’t for that octopus, and you’d go, Well, isn’t that a Scooby Doo rip off? And then somebody next to you, who is more in the know about Hanna Barbera would go, Oh, no, no, no, no. This is a rip off of jabber jaw, and jabber jaw, in turn is a rip off of Scooby Doo. It’s far enough now from the source material that it’s in the clear. Again, no fights necessary, no chases necessary, really. Grant and Joyce ended up at the aquarium for no other reason than to give some quick one liners. Sorry, pal. You’re all with these small tanks. Keep getting used for slapstick material, but I gotta remind people that these small tanks are probably the fish equivalent of a sick bed.

 

 

There’s nothing in this chest.

 

Will Riley 

I love the fact that after all of this, Ross Hagen really does seem to find it genuinely funny that there was nothing in the chest at all. He hardly seems to care. I think that that’s a great sort of character, bit like I think that this is a touch that Ross Hagan brought to the line of his own accord. He’s played enough characters like this in his career to know that this exact type of guy would find it hilarious that he’s been scammed. It

 

Speaker 1 

looks like some other thief got to it about 200 years before you did, Martin, that

 

Will Riley 

is a hilarious happenstance. Oh, well, it’s not the first time the mob has broken my legs. I guess there’s always next time grant gives his thanks to Houdini as he slips underneath a desk where nobody can reach him. You

 

Speaker 1 

blew it again. Martin, nice work. Houdini,

 

Will Riley 

and this just leaves me wondering, how many octopi did this show go through? Actually? This show is like an oceanic blood bath at time. We’ve got an octopus eating crabs. We’ve got turtles eating octopi, probably. And I mean, this one octopus character has gone through so many colors and breeds over just two episodes that he just you start wondering, did somebody on this show have a taste for takoyaki or something? So we’re coming up on the end of the episode, and true to the whole Geraldo Rivera thing, the chest is empty, and it’s been an ostensible publicity stunt overseen by a huckster and Ross Hagan gets an ironic comeuppance for believing his own fabrications. It’s a straightforward moral lesson, right? Don’t buy into hype. If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. All of that stuff, except there’s still two minutes in this episode, and there is more for us to learn.

 

Speaker 10 

I’d like to thank you all for turning out today after the news of the unfortunate incident last night, Dr Roberts has the full story for

 

Will Riley 

us the very next scene. Doc Roberts is giving a press conference to the media and the public who has been so enrapt by all of this treasure chest business. And before I move ahead on this just let’s do a quick recap. They got the money for the boiler. The aquarium is still getting all this attention for the publicity stunt that Ross Hagan put together. They’ve got everything they wanted and more. Now that the huckster has been removed from the premises, the Roberts and the Vancouver Aquarium are free to reap all of huckster isms benefits with no moral qualms at all in the eyes of the show, the basis of this episode is the SS Andrea Doria and Geraldo Rivera’s the vaults of Al Capone special famous real world lessons against buying into hype. But it seems Rick drew watched these specials and was totally fine with getting scammed. Instead, he was mad that it was someone like Geraldo Rivera doing the scamming. Why couldn’t someone trustworthy like Edward R Murrow lie to me about Al Capone’s ball,

 

Will Riley 

by its nature, a paradoxical proposition. Why can’t I get scammed by somebody honest? If Edward R Murrow cleaned me out in a three card Monty racket, I’d be pleased as punch. So before this press conference scene starts, the Roberts in the aquarium have already benefited massively from all the things that Ross Hagan, the antagonist of this episode, has done. And then, on top of it all, totally unnecessarily, it turns out the treasure was actually there the whole time. A little history

 

Speaker 1 

lesson. See, the kings of Europe used to like to keep their gold close at hand, but not in a conventional form. French royalty, for instance, used to weave gold into their bed curtains under the iron straps on this chest, which accounts for its great weight. It’s all solid gold. He strips him off. If you look down here, you can see the gold.

 

Will Riley 

And with that revealed the episode, it seems to knowingly try to wrap up real fast now that the aquarium is flush with Spanish gold grant is finally able to afford a solution to the Houdini escaping his enclosure problem, buying some thumb screws you can get for 99 cents at the Rona. Release this like this,

 

Speaker 1 

and when we’re done, we just lock it up again like this, but

 

Will Riley 

the best laid plans of mice and men and all of that, you know, Houdini starts climbing up Grant’s leg anyway, he locked the

 

Speaker 10 

barn door too late. He seems to have become very attached,

 

Will Riley 

and everybody starts laughing way too hard. Oh, you think this is funny, don’t you like cackling like witches? Oh, and

 

Will Riley 

so as the heroes of this show all laugh in a truly psychotic manner, all I can think about is what the treasure being real in this episode actually implies here. So let’s zoom out here for a moment. When Ross Hagan showed up at the start of the episode, what did he say? Here’s a manifest I found that probably took a good few years of research. There’s a treasure under the water. It’s real. If we get this treasure, the aquarium will make lots of money and get lots of attention from the very start, this was presented as a fabulous scam because it came out of the mouth of Ross Hagan, this supposed inveterate flimflammer, and it’s all turned out to be entirely true, but the show has just treated things as if Ross Hagan has received his just desserts for buying into all of his false hype, even though all of his hype was actually correct. Here,

 

Speaker 1 

you blew it again, Martin. If you look down here, you can see the gold.

 

Will Riley 

Does this undercut the message of this episode about not buying into hype? I don’t think so. I think the message is actually something more complex than that. Here’s what I think. I’m of the opinion that just as the money in the wallets of TV characters fluctuate all the time, the physical laws of danger, Bay’s universe made it so that this gold could never appear until Ross Hagan was unable to get a share of it, until the very moment Ross Hagan was put behind bars, or had the triads take his kneecaps, or both, that treasure chest was actually empty. It’s true, Ross Hagen did commit a bad deed when he tried to steal the treasure, but let’s be honest, he needed to be sacrificed, sent away to make the gold real in the first place. This only cements the true message of this show that being good and deserving of nice things is not a matter of your deeds, and it is not a matter of your intent. It’s a matter of whether you are a good person. By preordainment, it’s very Calvinist in that way.

 

Speaker 4 

But people grow grand. They change. Maybe I’ve learned a few hard lessons.

 

Speaker 1 

Well, good for you, Martin. I hope it sticks you blew it again, Martin,

 

Will Riley 

even though no actual lie was told here, the universe still sees Ross Hagan as a liar at a transcendental level, and he must receive a liar’s punishment because he’s just not the right kind of person. It’s not the hunt, it’s the hunter and grant Roberts, who went along with everything Ross Hagan proposed. All he did was say he was reluctant about it a bunch. He gets everything he wanted and he deserves it because he is a predestined, virtuous one.

 

Speaker 4 

Are you ready to apologize for your skepticism? I was wrong,

 

 

but that doesn’t mean I’m sorry

 

Will Riley 

this is really the only legitimate way one can read this episode and the reveal at the end of it, like with the tennis episode before it, the morals of the danger Bay universe would be incoherent unless you correctly bought into the premise that the Roberts family exists above humanity and its petty morality as grant Roberts shaves off a chunk of this treasure chest to show the solid gold hiding underneath the episode is saving us from some childish moral platitude to not get suckered in by frauds or not to be a fraud yourself. Instead, we get a real mature lesson for Real mature adults that fraud is okay if the universe has already chosen you to be good no matter what. What

 

Speaker 1 

have you got against a fellow anyway? He has the credibility of a

 

 

sand shark. I

 

Speaker 10 

called every corporate sponsor I know that’s great, George.

 

Will Riley 

If you get to benefit from someone else’s fraud, even better, you get to feel less bad about it in the end. And. As God’s chosen. Marine biologists laugh really, really hard at the concept of an octopus grabbing at something. We see the reality of things. You’re either born in the circle or born out of the circle. If you weren’t selected, you’d better save some time struggling against it and let the universe’s Chosen Few have their way, the sooner you get your predestined punishment out of the way, the better way, better lesson. Way more smart and mature. This is what the kids of Canada Need to learn you.

 

Will Riley 

So that’s another danger Bay episode in the tank as a sort of Epilog, I guess Ross Hagan. This was the last sort of clean program that he did in a very long time, not until the 2000s when he ended up doing some family friendly straight to DVD. Roger Corman produced movies. He would have been a great fit for those. I mean, every second actor in a Roger Corman family film has either three x’s in their name somewhere or they’re named after liquor. But as for the near future, Ross Hagan, he got his cigarette paycheck. He was kind of miffed about it. He got paid in cools, it turned out, and then he was free to go his merry way and work on such productions as virtual desire. Midnight tease two, the Phantom Empire, which is better known as the movie where civil Danning is like eight feet tall and has a Power Girl, boob window, sorceress. Two, the temptress, the escort. Three, fine

 

 

fine.

 

Will Riley 

Nicole Roberts is lounging poolside tending to her cybernetic implants when her brother Jonah pops up on hollow screen. Hey, Nicole, what’s going on with your life? Nothing much. Jonah, I just finished buying tickets for the ocean Hellman benefit concert at the Las Vegas dome. I’m really excited. Ocean Hellman really is the voice of a generation, and all the money is going to a good cause. Really. Tell me more sure. Jonah, all the concerts proceeds are going to the ocean Hellman foundation for solving the Peru problem. It’ll fund a new plan to loosen the Peruvian regime’s stranglehold on its population. The charity money goes toward 34 million copies of ocean Hellman’s newest CD. That’s one copy for every citizen of Peru. Then all the CDs will be air dropped over the country’s most populous areas. Ocean Hellman’s music will be a major blow to the Peruvian propaganda machine. For too long, Peruvian years have been subjected to pan flutes and charangos, instruments that have been scientifically proven to make you more authoritarian. There’s no question that listening to ocean Hellman’s new experimental noise album will unshackle the Peruvian mind, urging them to liberate themselves from their government’s tyrannical rule, as well as liberating their arsenic supply from onerous trade regulations and ungenerous prices, everyone should buy a copy. Wow. Nicole, that’s really interesting. As for me, I’ve been getting really interested in cryptocurrency, a brand new way to invest. Have you ever heard of the new crab coin? No. Jonah, I haven’t, but it sounds really interesting. Tell me all about it. Crab coin is the hottest new blockchain investment on the market. That’s because not only is it a solid asset that’s sure to increase in value, but ownership of crab coin gives you access to the Chris crab digital casino, an online gambling parlor situated in the Cayman Islands. Because I Jonah Roberts own crab coin, I can bet crypto and fiat currency on hundreds of my favorite slot machines perfectly emulated. Wow, Jonah, that sounds amazing. I’m definitely going to buy as many crab coins as I can. How could an investment like that possibly go down exactly? Nicole crab coin is the perfect asset for anyone to invest their disability Medicare or pension checks because they’re tangentially related to crab tech LLC. There’s a likelihood, but not a guarantee, that anything that benefits crab tech, for instance, a sharp decrease in the price of arsenic will also increase crab coins value. Wow. Jonah, does that mean anybody who owns crab coins stands to benefit from Peru getting punished for its allegiance with Bucharest? Is the sea urchin. God lucer As the sea urchin? Oh, right. Him, yes, Nicole, it does cool. Okay. Jonah, good hearing from you. See you next time pushing a button on her wrist, Nicole closes the vid screen, feeling the sun on her face. She looks up at the sky and takes a deep sigh of comfort. Hey, look angels. So there it is another modern danger Bay episode. I gotta say, I’m very excited for all the brand new products and business opportunities coming down the pike. I’m weighing my options as to whether I can actually go and invest in crab coin. I am interested in all of those slot machines, but it’s really contingent on whether they’ve got the brink themed slot machine resistance, roulette. Whoever was editing this episode did a very good job, I must say, Chris Crabb and ocean Hellman have famously refused to be in the same room as each other for the last 15 years. They don’t even want to look at each other’s faces, so stitching these separate takes together to make it look like they’re actually having a conversation is an impressive undertaking. Well, that’s it for me today. See you all on the other side. Remember that you can always contact me through my socials. I’m chasm cave on both blue sky and on Twitter. Finally, be sure to check out the Ks media Patreon. We’ve got some brand new and exciting stuff that’s coming out for you guys pretty soon. My personal favorite is a KS media exclusive. We’ve got Geraldo Rivera opening up a Russian nesting doll. It’s taken about 12 hours so far. It’s a big multi partner. It takes him about three hours to open each doll. He won’t stop talking. He really does think there is something in the middle of that doll. It’s quite amazing. Anyway, I’ll see you all soon. Danger comes from below. See you guys.