Money Queen
This picture has nothing to do with anything, but I like it.  SAD QUEEN HAPPY QUEEN! (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

I had a dream last night — it wasn’t a terribly good dream, but I’m going to share it anyway!  Because I thought it was at least marginally interesting and in defiance of that old saw that there is nothing less interesting than someone else’s dreams.

In the dream, I was visiting Portland, OR — I do not remember the reason, but I think it was work-related. Anyway, the reason is not important.  What is important is that I needed to get money from the ATM, and it was in the morning before the banks opened.  So I went to the ATM and it turned out to be busted.  Because of Dream Logic, I decided that obviously, what I needed to do was to open an account at this bank, and put the money I needed from my real account into that account, and then when the bank opened, I would get the money out that way.

So I did that, and I went to a nearby restaurant to eat breakfast and kill time before it opened.  Because it’s a dream, it didn’t take too long.  But here’s the thing:

The name of the bank was not anything you’d expect a bank to be named.  It was, instead, “Smelly Tongues”.  The sign was grey with a relatively minimalist, all-lowercase font.  The font was kind of like the old Western Optical logo, if any of y’all remember that.[1]

So, anyway, I go into Smelly Tongues to get my money.  I announce to the teller (at one of those desks banks have) that I needed to get the money out of my account.  She said that she would work on it, and she did quite a bit at her computer.

In the meantime, I asked about the bank’s name, and she goes “it’s from a song or something?” and I was all “I know it’s a song — I know the song, it’s awesome — but why did they name the bank after it, and not something like ‘First National Bank’ or something more bank-y?” and she didn’t know, but was pretty uninterested so I took the hint.

I also took the piece of paper that she then handed me, saying to go to a teller up front, and she could give me the money.  So I did, and the teller was totally baffled.  It took forever to get any information out from her, and as it turned out, she was trying to charge me a 150 dollar fee for closing the account (which I’d just opened because of the ATM situation plus Dream Logic).  I got really angry and explained that I only had $300 in the account and NEEDED that $300 dollars because the damn ATM was broken, and she was all “yeah, we need to get that fixed.  But you owe $150 to get the money.”

After yelling, I demand to see her supervisor, and so she shuttled me to another desk, and I said that I was pissed, and then the supervisor said that “yes, I do need to piss!” and I said “wait, no, I’m pissed, as in angry”, and she was all “I would be too!” but couldn’t help with the money and then I woke up.

The moral:  Do Not Do Business With A Bank Named For A Residents Song.  (Or perhaps the Snakefinger cover of same.)


[1] Yes, I can read in dreams.  Apparently this is a thing that people can’t?

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