I had a dream last night — it wasn’t a terribly good dream, but I’m going to share it anyway! Because I thought it was at least marginally interesting and in defiance of that old saw that there is nothing less interesting than someone else’s dreams.
In the dream, I was visiting Portland, OR — I do not remember the reason, but I think it was work-related. Anyway, the reason is not important. What is important is that I needed to get money from the ATM, and it was in the morning before the banks opened. So I went to the ATM and it turned out to be busted. Because of Dream Logic, I decided that obviously, what I needed to do was to open an account at this bank, and put the money I needed from my real account into that account, and then when the bank opened, I would get the money out that way.
So I did that, and I went to a nearby restaurant to eat breakfast and kill time before it opened. Because it’s a dream, it didn’t take too long. But here’s the thing:
The name of the bank was not anything you’d expect a bank to be named. It was, instead, “Smelly Tongues”. The sign was grey with a relatively minimalist, all-lowercase font. The font was kind of like the old Western Optical logo, if any of y’all remember that.
So, anyway, I go into Smelly Tongues to get my money. I announce to the teller (at one of those desks banks have) that I needed to get the money out of my account. She said that she would work on it, and she did quite a bit at her computer.
In the meantime, I asked about the bank’s name, and she goes “it’s from a song or something?” and I was all “I know it’s a song — I know the song, it’s awesome — but why did they name the bank after it, and not something like ‘First National Bank’ or something more bank-y?” and she didn’t know, but was pretty uninterested so I took the hint.
I also took the piece of paper that she then handed me, saying to go to a teller up front, and she could give me the money. So I did, and the teller was totally baffled. It took forever to get any information out from her, and as it turned out, she was trying to charge me a 150 dollar fee for closing the account (which I’d just opened because of the ATM situation plus Dream Logic). I got really angry and explained that I only had $300 in the account and NEEDED that $300 dollars because the damn ATM was broken, and she was all “yeah, we need to get that fixed. But you owe $150 to get the money.”
After yelling, I demand to see her supervisor, and so she shuttled me to another desk, and I said that I was pissed, and then the supervisor said that “yes, I do need to piss!” and I said “wait, no, I’m pissed, as in angry”, and she was all “I would be too!” but couldn’t help with the money and then I woke up.
The moral: Do Not Do Business With A Bank Named For A Residents Song. (Or perhaps the Snakefinger cover of same.)
 Yes, I can read in dreams. Apparently this is a thing that people can’t?