Free Advice To The Republican Party
Dick Armey
Dick Armey (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

Let’s get this out of the way first. I’m a left-wing nutjob, and as such, probably the least likely person to not only be giving advice to the Republican Party, let alone have them take me up on it. I know that, and it makes sense. However, in a sense of fair-play and bipartisanship, I will give them advice, that, if taken, will win them the 2008 Presidential Election.

As I write this, it’s up in the air, but it IS clear that the Republicans will have an uphill battle; Bush’s approval rating is at an all time low, even according to Fox News, and the last election was an overwhelming majority for the Democrats. Rudy Giuliani, once thought the most likely Republican candidate (and in some circles, the election had been all but given to him) has just dropped out due to abysmal returns in the primaries. Right now, it’s looking like McCain will get the nod, but that’s subject to change; as of a week or two ago, it was looking like Romney was going to be the one to beat, and before that, even Huckabee looked like he might even get it.

And if any one of these men becomes the nominee, will they have a chance at winning? McCain seems to have held on to some of his popularity from his run against Bush in 2000, although will Americans want to vote for a loser? (Admittedly it happened with Nixon, but that’s not exactly the best company to keep.) Romney’s of a minority faith, which could be a bugaboo for some of the more Fundamentalist voters, and while Huckabee has the Fundamentalist vote locked up, he’s at risk of alienating voters who don’t speak his particular dialect.

Obviously, they need another candidate who is sure to win it for the Republican party. And despite being on the other side of the fence, I know exactly who it should be.

No, it’s not Ron Paul. Jesus.

It’s a man who was the House Majority Leader for eight years — he’s got experience. He’s from Texas, which has given us quite a few recent presidents. He’s an economist, so he can address one of the big issues of the day. He seems to have a homophobic streak, which can appeal to the Fundamentalists. He was the co-creator of the Contract of America which was previously a huge success for the Republicans.

Of course, there’re a lot of other people who have if not these same credentials similar and equitable ones. However — there is one other thing this man possesses that none other who might otherwise fit the bill can claim.

A hilarious name.

I’m talking, of course, about Dick Armey.

Right now, even Armey himself thinks the Republicans will lose to Hillary Clinton. So, there’s call for a turnaround for the party — a need to get more people to the polls expressly for them. But trust me on this one – the man can’t lose. He’s got the history with the party and political background to back him up, but he has the one thing that can speak to the undecided voter today, or as I call them, the stupid vote.

With ever decreasing voter turnout, and with more and more people saying “I don’t care about politics” or “It doesn’t matter who you vote for”, Dick Armey can get people back to the polls and back to the Republican party. And while Republican stalwarts will vote for him regardless, it would be foolish to estimate the “DUDE, his name is DICK ARMEY!” vote. These voters, though foolish, could propel a man to the White House if properly motivated.

It’s been shown that tax refunds don’t quite seem to do it, nor other attempts at pandering. It’s been said that Bush won over Kerry in 2004 because people felt that Kerry wasn’t someone you could “have a beer with“, and similar things have been said about Gore’s 2000 loss. Obviously, the standard political arguments don’t apply to these people. But of these, who could resist the constant snickering of the idea of four to eight years of hearing “And now, President Dick Armey”?

The power of the name may even peel off some otherwise committed Democratic voters as well — the lure of the laugh is strong. Sure, it might end up being a little like Carrie, but there are three things to remember for the Republican Party: A) A win is a win; B) Armey is a Party man enough to continue to push through your agenda, and finally, C) He’s not terribly likely to be doused in pig blood at the inauguration — which is held outside anyway, so he couldn’t use telekinesis to lock everyone in and burn them to death.

So, Republicans — if you want to win the election, heed my advice. Join the Dick Armey Army today.


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