Fighting for Your Right to Paradox

The Implication of the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage in the 2009 Star Trek Movie and What It Means to Our Society

Presented by Drew Meger (MWG) to the Fourth Spatial Intertemporal Time Travelers’ Convention at 42:21:36.025°N, 71:05:16.332°W 1178:05:07 (Altern-A Beta Continuity)

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and sentient fungoids. It is with some trepidation I broach the subject of a recent in-continuity development. I am speaking, of course, of the release in 2009 of a Star Trek reboot movie in the Prime Theta Continuity. For those of you unfamiliar with this movie due to censorship in Reichsiegreich continuities or TOS blood oaths, I will attempt to summarize the issue as succinctly as possible.

In an opening scene common to 99.95% of all versions across all alternities in the Prime Theta Continuity, the character of James T. Kirk steals a relative’s vehicle and gets chased by law enforcement. While the character pilots the vehicle, he listens to the popular song “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys. This is no musical score or dub over – the character is actually listening to the song while being chased in a stolen vehicle.

Moving past the product placement implications of this scene, we must consider the following: If the Beastie Boys’ song “Sabotage” exists in the alternity of the movie, then the movie is set in the family of alternities belong to Prime Theta Continuity. Also, if “Sabotage” exists, then so must the song “Intergalactic” as performed by the same artists.

“Intergalactic” contains the following lyric: “Your knees’ll start shaking and your fingers pop / like a pinch on the neck from Mr. Spock.” This means, in the alternity of the movie, the Beastie Boys are aware and in awe of Spock’s prowess some two hundred years before he first enters their time stream. What’s more, this means that James T. Kirk is no doubt aware of Mr. Spock before he ever meets the Vulcan due to his fondness for classic rock.
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How did the Beastie Boys become aware of Spock in the Prime Theta Continuity? Obviously, Spock Prime’s journey into the past was not his only trip through the continuity. We are receiving more and more reports from Prime Theta of Spock appearing throughout the timeline in many different guises – Thoth, Hermes Trimegistus, Dr. Barry Mayfield, and so on. It is as one of these identities, likely that of Rick Rubin, that Spock Prime first encounters a young punk band called The Young Aborigines. Sensing that destiny has great plans for these three men, Spock-As-Rubin encourages Adam Horovitz, Adam Yauch, and Michael Diamond to forgo punk rock in favor of rap and freelance temporal law enforcement. Thus the Beastie Boys, known continuity wide for their ill beats and strict sense of justice, come into existence.

Without Spock Prime’s involvement, the Boys Encouraging Alternate Stable Timelines Into Eternity Project would not have been half as successful as it has been and will be. But now, thanks to the revelations in the Star Trek film, the temporal cracks are showing. It is only a matter of time before this starts to impact other, more stable continuities, even those who feature Star Trek wholly as fiction. We do not know if these revelations are accidental or intentional. Regardless, the damage is done and we are all now in danger of revision or even conjugation.

I do not need to remind you all about what happened to Prime Beta Continuity. While many of the Reichsiegreich continuities represented here owe their timelines to the involvement of Edith Keeler, not all of the alternities were successful in escaping the temporal loop created on 1986:11:26, commonly known as the Voyage Home Conjugation. As a native of Beta, I know first hand the chaos of living through a conjugation – one moment, I am Myself (M), the next, I am Me With a Goatee (MWG), then I’m Evil Me With a Goatee (EMWG), then Me as a Single Mother (MSM), then Me as a Single Mother With a Goatee Who is Not Really Evil, Just Doing Her Best to Look Out for the Welfare of Her Children (MSMWGWNREJDHBLOWHC). If this august Society did not act as it did and extract the most stable alternities from Prime Beta before shutting it down, who knows who I’d be by now.

Perhaps it is because of my experiences during the Voyage Home Conjugation that I propose this society establish an immediate quarantine of the Prime Theta Continuity and all of its bordering alternities. We must stop the spread of this temporal pandemic before it is too late and we lose yet another continuity. I encourage all members of this Society to remain vigilant regarding any change to Star Trek continuity as it exists in your base alternity. If discovered, any change or alteration must be reported as loudly as possible, preferably on your local Internet equivalent, where it can be read by our monitors.

Additionally, I propose that due to this quarantine that the precursor to this meeting, the Time Traveler Convention planned for 2005:05:07 at this spatial location be canceled. I know this may make the planning for this gathering retroactively difficult as that Convention featured the first public revelation of time travel’s existence, but frankly I don’t give a damn. I’m sorry if that sounds cruel and means that many different alternities will never advance beyond quantum-spatial energy and billions may die in the Swine Flu Uprising, but I have two small kids to care for and I will fight like a lioness to protect them. That may make me a bitc-

Ah, crap. Not again.

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