The Detroit Pistons are in the playoffs. The last time the Pistons were in the playoffs in any meaningful sense, I thought Fleet Foxes were good. Barack Obama was President. The Avengers were a dream swimming in Kevin Feige’s eye. I was 16. I am now 32. The Pistons have been dogwater half of my life.
First there was the death of long-term owner Bill Davidson, which resulted in the franchise converting ownership to his wife Karen, which kept the team in limbo for several years as she looked for a buyer. Unfortunately, human wig Tom Gores purchased the team and the best I can say about him is he spends money. It’s bad enough when the team you love is bought by a private equity guy, but it’s a crime when he invades your franchise and is an investor in phone services for prisons. I like to believe that this is why we were punished with the wilderness.
Names like Sekou Doumbouya, Stanley Johnson, Kim English. Blake Griffin destroying his body to take a team nobody took seriously to a first round spanking by the Bucks. After that, there was only tanking left: we had to be really bad instead of mediocre. The general manager of the team Troy Weaver pulled the rug out, sold everybody slightly useful off, and drafted a trio of young players that included Isaiah Stewart. Troy Weaver was an old scout who was linked to discovering the likes of Carmelo Anthony, Russell Westbrook. This reputation proved to be overrated, as he traded assets for lottery tickets over and over.
We remained bad, but with hope. The 2021 draft featured a small smorgasbord of great players, with one clear number one option: a 6’6 point guard from Texas playing at Oklahoma State named Cade Cunningham, often compared to Luka Doncic. The team selected him with the first pick.
Then we remained bad. Some of this was to be expected, but after Cade’s rookie season, it came to resemble something more like malpractice. Cade’s first three seasons were bad situations, the team finishing last each time, yet, due to bad lottery luck, getting the fifth pick in a draft each time (and missing out on future best player in the league Victor Wembanyanma). Along the line, the Pistons grabbed a couple of young players, but refused to put any money into veteran players that could stabilize the team, as well as trotting out also-rans like Killian Hayes, front-runner for my least favorite NBA player of all time, and infamous draft bust James Wiseman. At the end of the season, Dwayne Casey retired to the front office. We hired Monty Williams, coach of the Phoenix Suns, for one of the highest salaries in league history.
We remained bad and got worse.
In 2023-2024, the Pistons were arguably the worst team in NBA history. The season is 82 games, they won 14. An infamous photo from the time features Cade Cunningham staring through the floor in shock and horror, losing after a 40 point game of his own to the Nets. It was their 26th loss in a row, as a graphic reminds you that Cade Cunningham was the first Piston since Jerry Stackhouse to score 40 points multiple times within a month.
This is how dire things were: the team lost 28 games in a row, and still lost forty more. An in-season month of games without a victory is too much. So, Gores cleaned house, brought in an named Trajan Langdon, an executive from New Orleans, hired the Cavs’ recently fired coach JB Bickerstaff, and actually paid some vets. And Pistons sickos braced ourselves. We could maybe win 30 games. I thought we’d clear 27.
The Pistons tripled their win-total. They are the feel good story of the NBA. They play the game like a Mountain Dew drunk child playing NBA 2K. It’s nothing but dunks, generating steals, and running, like an NCAA Cinderella on crank. The Pistons, even when they’re good, have not been “fun”, per se. I like anything good done well, but running is more interesting than Rip Hamilton running off a screen.
But there’s an underrated reason to why they’re so fun.
The Pistons players fall into two categories: they are either Uncles or Cousins. It’s impressive for a team to consist entirely of uncles and cousins, taxonomically. I don’t know anybody’s actual family situation, but spiritually: they are uncles and cousins. Most people associate aunts, uncles, and cousins as being the most fun family members. In this instance, we are dealing with men, so uncles.
Suppose you don’t care about the NBA. That’s fine. But hopefully, this preview/sociological study will convince you to watch the NBA’s foremost team of uncles and cousins before they face the New York Knicks. They are underdogs, a 6 seed playing a 3 seed. The following is a breakdown of the Pistons roster. Players will have a brief explanation of their importance to the team, achievements, and where they fit in the family tree. I’m mostly including players who have played a fair number of minutes this season, so whether or not Bobi Klintman or Daniss Jenkins or Lindy Waters III are uncles or cousins is besides the point.
A note on the difference between an uncle and a cousin: like pornography, you’ll know it when you see it.
CADE CUNNINGHAM (PG) – Cade Cunningham is the best Piston since Chauncey Billups, but he might actually be their best player since Grant Hill (fun fact: my partner’s family went to church with the Hills and their mother baby-sat him and bullied him for his big-ass ears). Cade is a player in the do-everything mold. A 6’6 point guard, he’s adept at scoring, hitting midrange jumpers and bullying his way into the paint for like a velvet bulldozer. The best thing about Cade is his leadership ability, though. He raises the floor, communicates, and watching his confidence grow is like watching Napoleon at the academy. You would think this makes him on the line of being an uncle. However, look at Cade: that’s an older cousin with a 3.7 GPA who’s going to study business at a polytechnical institute. VERDICT: COUSIN
JADEN IVEY (SG) – one of the more controversial Pistons. A 6’4 combo guard from Purdue, he’s as appreciated for his jackrabbit speed as he’s been denigrated for decision making and defensive effort. Nevertheless, he shot 40% on 3s this year and he’s athletic as hell. His season was cut short when bozo Cole Anthony hurt his leg diving for a loose ball. One of the more amusing things about Jaden Ivey is his almost parodic embrace of Athlete Christianity. He dropped 40 and said Jesus was coming back. If that’s not a “cousin who goes to church” trait, I don’t know what is. Also, there has never been an uncle named Jaden who wasn’t a cousin first. VERDICT: COUSIN
TIM HARDAWAY JR (SG/SF)- Technically, Tim Hardaway Jr is a vet, nearing 30. He’s a pretty much a role player. He hit shots. That sounds like no big deal, but somehow every Pistons front office missed this as being integral to the game up until this point. You would think because of his age, he’d be in uncle territory, but the fact he’s a junior deems him a cousin. By the way: here’s what I have in common with Tim Hardaway Sr. VERDICT: COUSIN
TOBIAS HARRIS (SF/PF) – maybe best known for causing 76ers fans to have a meltdown because he was miscast as the second offensive option on the team, Tobias Harris doesn’t really make teams worse if you cast him correctly. In the current Pax Pistonsia, he’s a wily vet leader. His job is to mostly be baseline good at basketball, to do all the obvious stuff. Nevertheless, he’s beloved in the locker room, and the players call him “Unc”. Given we’ve established the team is mostly made up of Cousins at this point, we have to say VERDICT: UNCLE.
JALEN DUREN (C) – Lemme tell you about this kid. I hated this guy earlier in the season. I thought he was a fucking bum. I cursed his name. I traded him in my head for Nikola Vuvecic. I thought he couldn’t defend a pine cone falling out of a tree. Call him Jalen Durian because this guy stinks!
I was wrong. Jalen Duren has come into his own and I’d argue he’s becoming the Pistons’ second best player. The much-maligned defense is trending towards average, and he hoovers rebounds like a Hungry Hippo. That’s nothing compared to an underdiscussed phenomenon with Duren: he rarely misses, and he has a perfect shot diet to make that happen, which leads to him having a sky-high fg%. Not missing shots is good. The most fun thing about the Pistons is his chemistry with Cade Cunningham, who can pretty much throw the ball in his direction for an alley oop and watch JD bang that shit in. You’ll notice I called him JD last sentence. Sure, you can have an uncle JD but he’s not around 21 years old. VERDICT: COUSIN
AUSAR THOMPSON– I’m not going to explain my reasoning because all you need to know is Ausar Thompson has a twin and that’s cousin behavior. If you want to watch a 6’6 defensive savant who hasn’t figured out how to shoot yet but is athletic as hell, you’ll like Ausar, your new favorite cousin. Him and his brother Amen have Power Wheels. VERDICT: COUSIN
MALIK BEASLEY (SG) – sixth man of the year candidate Malik Beasley has one job and one job only. Shoot the leather off the thing from 3 point distance. What nobody expected was he’d do just that and get close to making the most three point goals this season. He’s shooting Steph Curry numbers, around 43%. He’s also Detroit’s most iconic celebrant, with his shimmy celebration after big 3s. The Pistons haven’t had a heart of the team player like this since Rasheed Wallace, and you need that kind of player to have a successful run. Fans of other teams probably find his antics aggravating, but you need to be aggravating to win. But is he a cousin or uncle? Despite his veteran status, he has “oldest cousin” energy. He’s on Twitch, so, there you go. VERDICT: COUSIN
DENNIS SCHRODER (PG) – journeyman vet PGs are inherent uncles. As a side note, watching him scream at Tyler Herro to “stand up” after Herro flopped on him was comedy. Uncles are the number one complainers about flopping in the NBA. VERDICT: UNCLE
RON HOLLAND II (SG/SF) – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a rookie so ready to fight since Isaiah Stewart, also on the Pistons. Ron Holland, the latest 5th pick to become a Piston, has become something of a fan favorite, with some swearing he’s going to be the second best player on the team and Cade’s sidekick (Pistons fans have a weird relationship with Jaden Ivey). As of now, he’s a rookie who can’t shoot but slashes and plays competitive defense. But that’s not what’s important. What’s important is he’s ready to fight anyone at the drop of a hat. Some of the Piston’s rambunctiousness is over-emphasized, but what’s notable about Ron is how young he is and how little he backs down, a trait that led to Donte Divicenzo throwing him into the stands during a Minnesota game. It’s tempting to put him as an uncle because there’s something very crusty and pissed about how he approaches the game, but cousins can be old men, too. VERDICT: COUSIN
ISAIAH STEWART (PF/C) – Ah. Beef Stew. Where do we begin. We probably begin with the positives. He’s a great defender, probably the best on the team. His ability to switch off onto players makes him a valuable asset, and he’s one of the team’s better shot blockers. But that’s not why everybody knows him. Everybody knows him because he’s a psycho and a shit-stirrer in the Draymond Green/Dillon Brooks mold. The issue with Stew, who I do like, and is good at locking people down, is he’s closer to Brooks than Draymond, who has a supernatural basketball IQ along with his goonish tendencies. As we inch towards the playoffs, Stew is the player I’m least excited to watch, in the event he does something like tell Jalen Brunson that anyone this excited to play professional basketball with their college teammates is a child masquerading as a man or pretends to stab the Knicks logo to deflate it. The Pistons aren’t getting anywhere without him playing good defense, though. But none of that is important. Is he an uncle or a cousin? I trend towards uncle, but with a caveat: an uncle is anybody who is the brother of someone’s sister, so Stewart can be an uncle and be very young. He may have a disarming baby-face, but listen: he owns a farm during the off-season and the first instagram post I found of him was him using a backhoe. Add in 6 beers and that could be your uncle. VERDICT: UNCLE
MARCUS SASSER (PG/SG) – It’s hard to say a lot about Sasser because he’s a third string point guard and doesn’t play as much as other Pistons. He’s a decent player and a pretty good shooter, and you hope he gets some opportunities somewhere, even if it’s not in Detroit. The unfortunate thing is he has the template to be a journeyman guard, wandering around the league like a backup point guard ronin. Suppose you met someone in a bar, and got to talking and through the conversation, they reveal they’re related to an NBA player. Oh, who? You ask. Do you think the next sentence will be, “Marcus Sasser is my uncle?” Or is he more likely to be a cousin? VERDICT: COUSIN
PAUL REED (C): B-Ball Paul was a good pick up with the misfortune of being behind Jalen Duren’s emergence and Isaiah Stewart’s junkyard dog backup center tendencies. He’s a good basketball player who’s injury insurance and has played okay in spot minutes. All I need to do to tell you he is an uncle is tell you he was tweeting when he was 13 in 2012. VERDICT: UNCLE
SIMONE FONTECCHIO (PF): An Italian forward, the Pistons trading for Tecc was one of the few good trades from last season, which is why Tecc’s invisibility this season has been so disappointing. This team needs more from the forward spots in the future. Granted, he was coming off of an injury and just had a kid, but he’s the only Piston who is demonstrably worse than last season. He is also deeply problematic in the sense he is the only Piston to not fit so easily into the Cousin/Uncle dichotomy. He is truly in the eye of the beholder. Thus. VERDICT: THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER WHOSE ARRIVAL REVEALS ALL OF US TO OURSELVES
Anyway, Pistons in 6.
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