An Open Letter to Sarah Palin
David Letterman hosting President Barack Obama...

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Dearest Sarah,
I’ve been watching you the last few days, and I’d like to help you in your plight. Now, I know the two of us are on polar opposites of the political spectrum, but as a Liberal, when I see suffering, I feel I have to help in some way to stop it. Even for my enemy. I hear-tell as a Conservative you feel the same force to help by shooting it from a helicopter.

I’m not saying this as a Democrat to a Republican, or a Liberal to a Conservative, but as a human to another human. So take my advice when I say, shut the hell up!!!
I understand the first amendment, and I fully support it. My blogs, my friends, the area around me is a free speech zone. I encourage a free exchange of ideas, opinions, debates, and jokes among me and my Liberal and Conservative friends. I’m not telling you to shut up because you bug the hell out of me. I’m telling you because you’re digging your grave deeper every time you talk in your quaint, folksy charm about David Letterman, and I can’t watch the self-induced suffering anymore.
As a Liberal Democrat there is a part of me that wants you to just let that purty mouth of yours fly. Let it run on! You’re killing your political career, and with guilt by association, the Republican party. But as a Liberal, I can’t watch you continually shoot yourself in the foot anymore. You’re running out of feet and I have to gently take the gun away from you until you learn not to peek down the barrel.
You have got to stop saying David Letterman’s joke was about raping your 14 year-old daughter, stop calling him a pervert, and stop insinuating that he’s a pedophile. The joke was about a horny baseball player. Frankly, it’s quite disturbing to me how you got “rape of a minor” out of that joke.
I have been watching Dave for 29 years. I’ve been there since the morning show in 1980 to The Late Show. I was watching Dave when you were spattering Bullwinkle’s brains all over the Alaskan wilderness. Not quite sure who’s youth was more misspent, there. After 29 years I think I have a pretty good bead on what kind of person Dave is. He would never crack wise about the rape of a child, and he’s not one of those oily comics who end a joke with, “raped Palin’s 14 year-old daughter,” and when the hub-bub comes plowing into him tries to weasel out of it saying, “I didn’t actually mean raped,” or shrug it off saying, “it’s just a joke.” Dave made it very clear he was not talking about raping anyone, and it was about your legal aged daughter. Who despite what you said on Wolf Blitzer, was knocked up. Your single, unwed-mother daughter who’s put herself up for public approval or gag-writing by going on an abstinence speaking tour.
Dave apologized for any offense, but it’s not enough for you. Did you want to see him sobbing at his desk, you hot little Dillingham dominatrix? Now you want him to apologize to women all over the globe for demeaning them. Despite any apology or explanation given to you, you still storm through TV, radio, statements, and press releases screaming rape of a minor. When are you going to apologize? Hollering rape where there never was, or even intended in the slightest, demeans people who have actually been raped. Where’s your apology, you Caribou Cutie?
I can understand why someone might be upset about a comedian using their family in a joke. But you’re not someone off the street. You want to be President of the United States. How can anyone take you seriously as a leader if you’re knocked off your game by a crack from a comic? If you can’t deal with smart remarks from a gap-toothed TV host, how are you going to handle real troublemakers like Kim Jong-Il, Omar Al-Bashir, or even bin Laden?
I’ll crack wise about almost anything. It’s in my gene pool. My dad’s family has a warped sense of humor and is cracking wise all the time. Let me tell you the right way to handle this. Have your little tantrum about the joke, and after the demanded apology LET IT GO! Stop dragging the body out and shoving it in everyone’s face.
So, please, shut your freakin’ pie-hole about your hissy fit with David Letterman. Take some time off, think things through, and come back when you’ve learned how to address an issue without crying rape, name calling, or making horrible accusations of pedophilia against someone who it is so obvious to even the dumbest stump of a post are clearly not even plausible in whatever wild, frightening fantasyland you live in. Please stop! I can’t stand watching you constantly chew your leg off from the bear trap that’s your mouth anymore.

Thank you
Eric Paul Johnson

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