You’ve never had a fluffy pony before, but, honestly, when you saw her in the pound, you figured you had to rescue her. She looked so sad there without any legs.
…Well, actually, she herself looked pretty happy, babbling quietly to herself. Just the sight of a limbless fluffy did you in, though. Apparently some people did this to them so they couldn’t hurt themselves. But, really, what kind of life is that? Sure, they can’t do anything bad… but they can’t do anything at all, period. They just sit there on the floor, in a bowl, on a table, in the litterbox, wherever you put them down. It’s pathetic. You can’t give her her legs back, but you can at least do your best to make her life decent. You’ve always said that you couldn’t just buy a pet — you’d always have to go to the shelter and save a life. And it looks like this is the life you’re gonna save. The card by her cage says her name is “Sue”. Continue reading →
I realized that the previous Fluffy Pony report involved a phenomenon known colloquially as “fluffsplosion” that not everyone may be aware of. I will attempt to clear up any confusion or misconceptions in this brief appendix. Continue reading →
You’re the smarty friend of your herd. Your herd is only two, you, a unicorn, and Bluey, a pegasus. Well, kind of two. Perhaps it would be better to say two halves. One body. Though you’re the smarty, you’re also the end that poops.
Bluey’s first words were “Wuv daddeh!”
Your first words were “Wan’ BLURRRRGGGGGH die.”
Your second words were “wife nu pretty”.
Hooman munstas have no desire to actually kill you. The abusers end up scaring Bluey so bad he makes sorry poopies. They watch and figure that your existence alone is crueler than anything they could ever do to you. The ones who typically take care of and love fluffies can’t bring themselves to kill a healthy fluffy. You are, technically healthy. Bluey’s thriving, and thus you are too. But they can’t bear to see your misery, so they don’t take you in either, so you became a feral herd – the two of you. Luckily, Bluey’s happy to let you be the smarty. He doesn’t seem to realize that all of your smarty ideas involve attempting suicide. Continue reading →
Every so often you realize that you’re more or less living in the future, and that the future is pretty neat. In fact, most times it’s pretty great, except for two things:
a) In the future, everything is – for whatever reason – online
b) Some people are still assholes.
In fact, A wouldn’t even be a problem if it weren’t for B. But B has been a problem for all of history, and will likely continue to remain a problem until humanity dies out… probably due to some people being assholes. Continue reading →
You’re the smarty friend of your herd. It’s a small herd – only two, you, a unicorn, and Bluey, a pegasus. Well, kind of two. Perhaps it would be better to say two halves. One body. You’re a freak of nature that somehow survived to adulthood.
It’s not so great. Though you’re the smarty, you’re also the end that poops. Through your mouth. You think poopies smell not-pretties? Try tasting them. Continue reading →
It’s a lovely day in the park. Your herd is having a wonderful time, grazing, playing ball, hugging and playing circle-run!
But then… HORROR! It’s so horrible you can barely describe it! You got BIT…… BY A STRIPEY BUGGIE MUNSTA! NUUUUUUUU!!! You were here first! You just wanted to eat a flower! The buggy was just flying right near it! What a jerk! This must not stand!
BUT WAIT: You are a slightly smarter than usual fluffy and you know that if you try to attack, it won’t end well. You’ve been in many fours of herds. And each of those many fours ended due to an attack. You think there might be a pattern there. The smarty friend of this herd agrees. Continue reading →
For those unfamiliar with Fluffy Ponies, here is the rough background. Back in 201X, Hasbio, the genetic engineering arm of Hasbro, developed a biotoy as the next phase of My Little Pony (which has become wildly, absurdly popular) merchandise. The fluffy ponies are created from a very, very mixed genome (which is rumored to secretly include that of a little girl – a rumor consistently denied by Hasbio). They have the mind of roughly a 3-4 year old human and can speak in baby-talk. They were designed to be incredibly fragile and weak to the extent where they’re unable to hurt even a child (as that could open Hasbio up to lawsuits). This fragility also means fluffy ponies are pretty death-prone. Continue reading →