The first sentence of this review (the synopsis part) was written not-on-Ambien, which I guess is fairly obvious, but maybe worth mentioning. Also, I wrote this the same night as Shutter Island, and these are the “innermost thoughts” I refer to in that review.
Labyrinth – 1986, 35mm
A bratty Jennifer Connelly throws a fit when she has to babysit her crying little brother, and she wishes for him to be taken away, so some goblins do just that, and then she realizes this is a mistake, but David Bowie tells her the only way to get her brother back is to find her way through his labyrinth to the castle.
Put tjos previes half written review down on the floor like a dinaosaur, everyobheifdfy dp the dinaosaur. Because this is Labtyufb=yrrriiiiiiiintnnttnhhhhhh, can you fggeell it. Fptgert whsat tyoy knweo abotue fGOBLINS andf togewgj rwqhat ryoweur no abioyt gobnlin bimsuc. It’s time bfor h=er brother bvack. Jennifer connelly is a bratty sister throwisng ducking fits about babysiting, but then her dtreams ccome true wth what happens to her wishings, but she sas “fuck what I just said I AM clibmig over your whole fucking labrinth faggot and you and I are going to tuttle to the teath. And I will ch==hiccuo you right out of hyere.” But the Laburingh os sop full of createusrses good and new. I am breqaking the world motherfucking record for most vociferous hiccups right fucking now but nocbodu fucking cares becauew I am not jennifer c9onnally from Phenomena. She makes friends in the Brynth, but some are out to betray her even after they are friends, but some are true to themselves and others. What ………a…………WACKY WONDERLAND. I have built a rabbit’s head put of the shape of these words . Thhs is high creaturous art it’s buetagful. My neck is explofing oyt fo my thriat every four se conds. Every typo is a firect result of a massave hiuccup that throws my keys alll over the place. In the end, they work it wout though, and it is si glamourous. Jim Henson creates another joyous fiction of fantasy. I love this amazing movie I Saw. I lvoed it when I was a kid. I loved it all over the place, IT HOLDS UP. Take it off the gfloor of the dinaotesr, and lift it high fucking up where it holds. You’ll have to climb a building to completle this. Now, on the roof of your apartment builfdng, hod=ld up the movie, crystal-encased in Bowie’s codpiece, and show to the fucking workd how fucking well it fucking holds up. Easy.These words no longer resemble a chicken, but more like a black african robot from the Simpsons, season 6. My hiccups are done, my work here is done. It believe it very clear that you should love Labyrinth. What a story it tells! A fantasy rocksickle to end all doubt. Just look at the picture below and tell me they are not literally dancing. I love you, Labyrinth, then and for forever.
Now these words llook like a wet sheet of blood. David Bowie. David Bowie… David Bowie……..
To read more of Austin’s writings, almost always about movies, visit his website at www.placentaovaries.net.