George Jones via last.fm
One of the most important questions of all time are of the form “Who could win in a fight?”. Wars are even often fought on the basis of it. So, in that tradtion, I want to know who would win in a fight: Me, or George Jones, the country musician, aka No-Show Jones, aka The Possum.
I personally think I could take him. What about you?
Why would you fight George Jones?
Because I think it would be a larf, and I really hate “He Stopped Loving Her Today“. Seriously. I cannot stand that fucking song. Not an iota. Nope. And a lot of his other stuff bugs the bejeezus out of me, too. Like “Who’s Gonna Fill Their Shoes?” or “The Corvette Song”. I suppose “White Lightning” is OK if a bit dumb, and I like Webb Pierce‘s version of “Why Baby Why“. But, man, “He Stopped Loving Her Today”. What a horrible, horrible song. Yeah, dude’s DEAD, we get the fucking point. I don’t care if people keep saying it’s the finest country song ever written; they are wrong.
Considering his nickname is “No-Show Jones” based on the fact that he had a habit of showing up to shows about as often as he wouldn’t show up to shows, should my vote include an allowance for a no-show-based disqualification?
No. If this were a real event, if George Jones didn’t show up, it’d simply be rescheduled. This is for reals, people. No gettin’ out of it by not showin’ up.
What would the time and venue be?
Not sure about the venue, presumably some place we were both equally comfortable or uncomfortable. It would probably have a dirt ring or something, cause I think a dirt ring would be kinda cool. The time would be some point during the day where we’d be both equally awake, so neither would have an advantage. Meaning not early afternoon, nor late at night (since he’d have an advantage if it were like, 1 PM, and I’d have an advantage if it were 1 AM, what with me working nights and him presumably having a normal-if-maybe-sorta-latish schedule). My guess would be late evening, like, say, maybe about 8PM.
What are the Pros and Cons of the combatants?
George Jones
Pros
- He’s known for being pretty mean.
- I’m pretty sure he’s a drunk or maybe a former drunk.
- He’s probably pretty crafty.
- I’d bet he’s probably pretty experienced in fighting.
Cons
- He’s old. Like, really old. Like, uh, 78, according to IMDB.
- Also according to IMDB, apparently he was in a car accident in March 1999, where he had a lacerated liver and bruised lung.
- According to a Google search, he’s not only an alcoholic, but also a former drug abuser. Meaning I don’t think he’d actually be drunk at the fight, but would have all the fun of the various infirmities of being off booze/drugs.
- According to Field Marshall Stack: No man who has ever worn this shirt could ever beat anyone who hasn’t in a fight. Given that as far as I know you’ve never been to whichever thrift store Jimmy Buffett gives his old shirts to, you would necessarily win your fight against George Jones. (NOTE: To be fair, I am pretty sure that shirt is from Buffett’s Reject Pile)
- Did I mention that he’s in his seventies?
Me
Pros
- I’m only 30.
- I don’t drink, smoke or use drugs and never have.
- Been hit and otherwise hurt a lot.
- I reaaaaallllyyy hate “He Stopped Loving Her Today”. And had like a span of a couple months where I’d have to hear it at least once every week.
Cons
- Inexperienced at actual fighting. In that I never have actually fought anyone. I’ve been beaten up, sure, but it was wholly un-defended.
- I’m not terribly mean. If I am mean, it’s more the Occasional Cutting Remark rather than any actual sort of physical violence. I’ve done a lot of Passive-Aggressive stuff, but very, very rarely anything Aggressive-Aggressive.
- I was in a car accident in October 2003, though I only hurt my leg, which is all better now.
Now that you have all the particulars, I’d like to know: who do you think would win in a fight? Me or this particular old man? Let your voice be heard!
