At Heart Of Gay Hatings Stands RIVAL

Story of hating towards gay begins with RIVAL. Many year ago, whilst living on street, I had RIVAL by name of Chooty Flinderbaum. Chooty real bastard. Always trying infringements on Mickey territory, and all around bad attitudes. Anyway, Chooty always telling other cat in neighborhoods about how he hating towards homointellectuals. This was just making more confirming of suspicions that Chooty majorly asshicle.

A few years later, whilst doing my short-living public access tv show, RIVAL Investigation, I did featuring on Chooty. Me and camera crew following Chooty around for weeks without his knowing. Eventually, after making uncovering of Chooty trying sniffing butt of neighborhood possum whilst possum asleep, we discover Chooty in gay asshouse. Not only Chooty hating towards gay, Chooty also flaming in fires gay too! Now, I never hate towards RIVAL simply because of being flamings, but these hippocrissy is despicable. But not so surprising, considering RIVAL involved.

Now I hear about human, already possibly stupidest animal on planet, making big issue hating towards gay. In my originals state, Washingtonian, I hear some peoples trying to prevent gaylords getting marrying. These is especiality stupid. And honestly, I suspecting Chooty have something to do with it. RIVAL always does. Of course mouse also likely involved, but let us focus on mouse at a different point in our timings.

Frankensteinly, I don’t thinking these gayness should be biggerest issues anyhow. Is stupid issue only human make biggest deal about. Cat generally don’t care about such thing – only cat I ever know to care is Chooty and we all know about his psychologies now. I’m thinking really, like most issues, these is only charades for real issues anyhow – RIVAL! If we are willing to crush Mickey RIVAL as societies, none of this likely to happen in first place. That why I making proposing towards creating “Mickey RIVALAlert Systems.” We coding, on national worldwides level, a coloring basing system for threat RIVAL posing.


Here my RIVALAlert System Codings:

  • Red: RIVAL at highest levels of dangering. Must destroy for benefitting of Mickey and societies in general.
  • Orange: RIVAL real problem now, probably dancing around street and talking nonsensicals about Mickey. Must be killed.
  • Blue: RIVAL still problem, but not biggest dealing. Better kill anyway to be safe.
  • Mauve: RIVAL probably dead, so lowers level of risk. But try killing anyway, just in case RIVAL like horror movies villain.


With these new systems, we can all feel safer and more secure towards elimination of threat RIVAL posing. In relating towards gaynesses, I feel RIVAL at heart of issues, so eliminating Mickey RIVAL also help with that issue too. Following my advice, as universal King Of Kitty, will make leading towards better world. Only assholisms like Chooty Flinderbaum hating towards gay anyway, so better not make supporting of such conceptions. Washingtonian residential, don’t hate towards gay like Chooty. I don’t care if you’re flamings or not, but making such attitudes probably means you are likely RIVAL, and should be killed by loyal royalty subject of Mickey. For rest of you, I must make informents that current RIVALert level is CODE RED. Let us try to bring it down to Code Mauve for safer and better societies. And don’t forget to destroy RIVAL.

Thanking you for your appreciations.

About The Author

Mickey Smitherson is a 10 year-old domestic longhair cat currently living in Cat(hedral) City, California. Spending most days hunting for crickets, sleeping, and obsessing over his many and varied rivals (or, as he describes, “RIVAL”), he has recently made the decision to take up a career in writing. While this might not seem the most obvious choice given his appalling grammar and English composition skills, what he lacks for in skill he makes up for in confident conceit and an insatiable hunger for the truth. Earlier this year he declared himself “King Of Kitty,” and began issuing royal proclamations and orders. An official coronation ceremony is set for March, 2010.

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