It was startlingly red, the red of blood dripping down a gashed leg, as it sank lower, the horizon pulling it towards its unavoidable nightly demise. It scattered that same red and golden yellow and orange in the sky around it, a temperamental painter, as stars that had been waiting in the wings began to show their faces in the vast expanse of the rest of the sky. The sun was pulling all light down with it, letting the day crash and burn in anger at being kicked out in favor of that laughable moon, a hollow facsimile of itself. Continue reading →
Bikini season is almost upon us, but you gave up on your New Year’s resolution last February. Don’t spend another summer in a one-piece! Try these fitness tips gleaned from a survey of diet devotees. Continue reading →
Just another show, always the same. Different towns, different slack-jawed rubes crunching peanuts and candy apples and watching you from the seats, but always the same routine. The scenery was different but the night itself never was. He could jump a month into the future or past and it would be just like tonight.
Xavier sat on his unicycle and pedaled himself out to the center of the ring, five clubs and his lucky Zippo engraved with a tiger in his oversized hands. The ringmaster was announcing him, but the words just washed over him like the faceless hum of the crowd. He pasted on his most brilliant fake smile as he lit the clubs and then began his juggling routine, riding smoothly around the ring as the flaming clubs circled in front of him. All of it—the cheers and applause, the music, his legs pumping the pedals, the work of keeping the clubs in the air—was just a haze. Continue reading →
Now now everyone, let’s all calm down a minute. Let’s quiet down, all of us. You too, Hildegard. I know we’re all a little over-excited right now, but before we do or say anything else, let’s all just take a minute to work out our problems.
I’m just a moderate, a neutral observer to this fight, and I’d like to mediate between the two sides. I know it might seem that you’re diametrically opposed, but there’s a lot of common ground here, and I hope that by taking a minute to discuss our problems we’ll be able to find a solution that benefits everyone. Continue reading →
She tossed her bouquet of daisies into the water, watching the ripples radiating from it as it drifted away. She had already tossed another handful onto his casket, but she thought it was only right to only bring them to the place where life had left him. She wondered what he had been thinking as the water pushed into his lungs. She wondered what it was like to hurt so much you thought that was the right thing. The daisies gently bobbed. Then, just like that, she felt a cool, unseen but solid hand in hers. She was not afraid. Continue reading →
I have made a video, called THEATRE OF MAGIC, using 26 minutes of the 40 minute long original cast recording of The Tim Heidecker Masterpiece’s rock opera of the same name. If you’re wondering why you should bother watching an action figure stop motion rock opera, then you should probably just do something else and not bother. But if a rock opera with action figures and/or the music and awesome of Tim Heidecker gets you even the slightest bit juiced, please do yourself a favor and watch this thing I’ve created.
Anyway — as you’ve probably seen, I got to interview Lauren Lapkus for Unicorn Booty! (And thanks to my editor, Daniel Villarreal, for the idea to ask her in the first place!) I’d originally written the article as a personal Top 5 list — but when Lauren agreed to be interviewed, the focus changed to be HER Top 5, because DUH. So, anyway — these are from an earlier draft of the article where it was going to be just me. (And, hey, anything that gets you to check out With Special Guest Lauren Lapkus is a good thing. Seriously, that podcast is SO Brilliant.)
I’m so excited about seeing new Muppet material that I’ve found some stuff from the original Muppet Show that never aired in the US! That’s right! The show was originally shot for the United Kingdom’s ITV which had shorter commercial breaks than the US. As a solution, the show included two-minute long sketches (known as “UK Spots”) that could be cut for more ads in the American market.
In her dream, she was in Cajun country. There was a river where crawfish were being pulled up, and there was a bar at the bottom. She dove down, holding her breath, seeing all the strange personalities in the crystal-clear water. She saw a man smoking, and that confused her most of all. She wanted to stay, shoot pool, order a drink, but after just a few moments she had to grasp for the surface, clinging to the dock and gasping for breath. She wanted to ask the people to tell her their stories. But the river swallowed her words. Continue reading →