Bikini season is almost upon us, but you gave up on your New Year’s resolution last February. Don’t spend another summer in a one-piece! Try these fitness tips gleaned from a survey of diet devotees.
- Set small, manageable fitness goals. When you achieve those goals, raise them. Keep raising them, so that you never stop improving, never give up, and never allow yourself to feel a sense of accomplishment for longer than a few minutes at a time.
- Food only causes weight gain if you enjoy it. Never enjoy food.
- Talking about your fitness regimen raises your metabolic rate, so make sure to do it constantly, at every social opportunity: dinner parties, dates, boardroom meetings, graduate seminars, your nephew’s bris, etc.
- Support your friends in their weight loss journeys by helpfully informing them exactly how many calories are in whatever it is they just ate.
- Eat five almonds. I don’t know why. Just do it.
- Love your body by carefully monitoring it and controlling it at all times while ignoring its cries of hunger and fatigue in order to sculpt it into a model of perfection, just as I loved my children before CPS took them away.
- The phrase “Oh I really shouldn’t” creates an energy field that prevents calories from being absorbed into the body.
- Use natural appetite suppressants like water or spicy peppers to “hack” the biological impulses that have evolved over billions of years to keep you from starving to death.
- Eat five more almonds.
- Nutrition has a powerful effect on our emotions, but our emotions have a powerful effect on our nutrition, too. For instance, shame and anxiety alter the chemical composition of the stomach acids that digest food. Instead of being broken down and converted to fat, food will slip harmlessly through your intestines without being absorbed, exiting the body quickly, frequently, and undigested. So eat only when you feel anxiety or shame—you’ll absorb fewer calories. And if you feel anxiety or shame, eat, even if you’re not hungry. Don’t waste that misery!
- Never forget what food actually is: a mortal sin whose spiritual taint must be purged by an act of physical atonement.
See you at the beach!