Ambien Review #5: Kick-Ass

Immediately before writing this review, I wrote the following sentence about the movie Forbidden Sun: “Mary had a little lamb and that lamb was the night of the lepus. Lepus bunnies jumping over bunnies in lepusland tonight.”

I remember thinking “Man, this is great storytelling,” but I knew that Forbidden Sun, being an obscure movie with an absurd plot worth explaining coherently, deserved a regular review, so instead I moved on to Kick-Ass. I try not to explain much about these reviews. I’m always tempted to offer up translations, but I know that they’re funnier without. But this review (which honestly, I’m not that into) actually needs a little context for the boringly near-coherent middle section where I complain about the theater I saw it at. This would be Sundance Kabuki Cinemas, which is owned by Robert Redford, and they have this stupid thing where you have to choose your seats at the box office before you go in. When they first introduced it, it sounded pleasant enough, but now I can’t stand it and I defiantly choose my seats at random on their dumb fucking computer screen, and sit wherever I fucking want once I’m inside. Anyway, all you really needed to know to get one of the references in the review is that Robert Redford owns the theater, and the rest, like I said, is easy to understand (disappointingly so, I feel).

The next Ambien Review I post will be for Labyrinth, and it was written the same night as Shutter Island and is seriously ten times crazier.

Kick-Ass – 2010, 35mm
Matthew Vaughn
9.5

“it’s a win-iwn situation:, said Hit Girl. I dunno, said her big fuvkin daddy or dadstrucktion. Things are coming hard right nw=. You’re my clit girl, and I want you to clit all these bad men right in the=ir pedophile phaces. Pull out all uor Tantric stops. This is a karma Cha-killin’-‘em baby girl. Gp get red mitht. Go get Kick Ass. Let’s party.” “Im jst fuckin wit ya dad.” “What do mean fuckin’ with Big Daddy/ I’m te one that’s been talking.” MEANWHiLE, at the seventh gates of hell, Hellboi and Fist-Ass are sippin’ slurpies lookin’ at the ball game. “It’s time to be a super fuckin’ wet-maker. Clit Girl is in for some“ “Who said that?”

Menawhile. I was at the theater, paying, no not paying, but this theather charges extra for seatz for some mysetreious “amernities” fee. I guess because you get to choose your seats early before you go in the theater, and appar-yelp-ly, people love it. I despise it. Know whats a good method for choosing your seats early at a mobie theratre? Get there early and choose your seats once you are inside the theater and are able to better judge where the screen s, and where the people asre.Loathe it. And at this screening at Kick-Ass, the volume was barely audible and the bottom half of the screen was out of focus. I get passed in, but on principle, it fucking pissed me the effuck off that most people are paying an additional $3 “amenities” fee that aooarently doesn’t cover “tolerable projection.”

“Fist-Ass, come in, it’s Red Mitht.” “Ok, Red Mitht, let’s let Clit Girl do her crazy violent little girl slaughtering people shit to Robert cunting Redford, owener of the Kabuki theater where this great movie wad being badly shown. KICKASS IN KICKBLURAY COMEINF SOON>.


To read more of Austin’s writings, almost always about movies, visit his website at www.placentaovaries.net.

 

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One comment

  1. Janet

    If I were a pedophile, I’d want to be a pedophile into Hit Girl. I would have seen this movie when I was a 14 year old boy and that would have been it for real women for me forever. Did you notice there were no post-pubescent females who could do anything at all?

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