Things That Are Neat: Ladies With Glasses!

Ghost World (film)

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Y’know what I like? I mean, aside from watching TV and all that stuff, but y’know, big and in general?

I like ladies with glasses.

Glasses are like, lady-enhancers.

Like, y’know who I thought was really, really cool? Bailey Quarters from WKRP. She was wonderful. She was pretty, and she was nice, and she was smart, and she was fresh out of journalism school and got a job at a radio station. She was awesome. I felt bad for her because she was really nervous and sometimes Herb’d try to bring her down, and then sometimes Les would sorta join in a little bit, or sometimes a lot, and she’d want to cry a little, and I just wanted to reach into the TV and give her a big ol’ hug and let her know everything’d be all right. I wonder why Andy didn’t do that more often. Or Venus, but he wasn’t around as much, cause he was the night DJ, and Bailey usually worked during the day, but sometimes Venus’d just come down to the station to hang out or work on show prep or something. But then, he was usually with Dr. Johnny Fever, or Andy. But, anyway, though, I thought Bailey was awesome. She was probably my favorite, not to slight Jennifer, who was pretty cool too, or any of the rest of them really.

Her real name was Jan Smithers. She was married to James Brolin for a while, but then they got divorced, and she hasn’t really been in TV or Movies since, which makes me sad, because, y’know, I liked her. I would watch WKRP and I totally had a crush on her. I wanted to marry her and not really take her away or anything, cause that’d be mean, but I’d just be all like “Hey, lay off, Herb, why don’t you go get some more loud suits or something, huh?” and then Herb would be all sad, then I’d get kind of sad, too, cause even though Herb could be a jerk, he was still a nice guy deep down. And then he’d apologize, and Bailey’d go “Oh, heh, that’s OK, Herb…” and everything would be back to normal.

I guess, to be honest, I didn’t really have the crush on Jan Smithers so much as just Bailey Quarters. But I’m sure that Jan Smithers is equally wonderful.

Another pretty lady with glasses was Enid Coleslaw in Ghost World. I’m mainly talking about the movie, where she was played by Thora Birch, but the comic Enid was also very pretty too. She was another lady who I thought could use some hugging, too, but not as much as Bailey, because Enid would be a little more aggressive, and not quite as outwardly sweet like Bailey. But she’s still nice. But I don’t think that a hug would have really helped Enid as much, as it seemed like it would Bailey. But, y’know, at least it would be with good intent.

One thing that made me sad and angry was that one time the iMDB had Ghost World as their Movie of the Day (that part didn’t make me sad, because it’s a very good movie), but they referred to Enid as being overweight. This bothered me because not only did they imply that being overweight wasn’t a terribly desirable quality (which I think is a flawed premise, cause y’know, there’s lots of cool people who are overweight, and there’s a lot of pretty people who are overweight, too, and I mean actually overweight, and not overweight like Enid is overweight, by which I mean not at all), but also (as I kind of said already) that she’s not actually overweight. Like, she’s not at all, and that really bothered me that someone who’s a normal weight was considered “Overweight”. I thought that was pretty stupid. I probably should have written a letter to the iMDB calling them on that being stupid, but I never did, so, I don’t know, it’s probably still up there somewhere. But anyway, though, I thought that Enid was a very pretty lady with very pretty glasses.

Anyway, though, I think that more ladies should wear glasses if they need to, cause I don’t know, glasses are pretty, but also because contacts are kind of creepy when you think about it, cause not only are you putting your fingers in your eyes, you’re putting little bits of plastic in there too. Like, I used to have to go see this eye doctor guy who’s a total asshole, but anyway, they have to test my eye pressure because I’m at risk for glaucoma, and they have to numb my eyeball so they can poke it with this giant light donut thing. I still have to have the eye poked, but now it’s a different doctor who is really nice and totally awesome. He asked me what my book was about once, and it was Infinite Jest and I said “About 1000 pages” and he laughed and said “I can see that”, and I said “I wish I could!”. Actually I didn’t say the last bit, I just told him a rough synopsis of what it actually was about but this has nothing to do with anything, because there wasn’t a whole lot about glasses in that, other than a NASA glass, but that’s the wrong sort of glasses.

Anyway, though, back to the point about the eye-poking, the giant light donut only looks giant, cause, y’know, it’s real close to my eye, and the eyes see, so things that are close to the eye look like they’re really big. I think if I had to guess I’d say it’s about maybe a centimeter across or so, but I’m not sure.

But anyway, even though the eyeball’s numb from the eye drops which have cocaine in them, it’s still really uncomfortable, cause, y’know, you can still feel the pressure and you’re really afraid that your eye’s about to come back to the land of feeling, but it doesn’t, because of the cocaine cokes up your eye. Actually, I found out later, when I started seeing the good doctor, that if it’s done right, you actually DON’T feel anything, which was really surprising to me, so I guess when you read this example, make sure that you’re reading it with something like “If the machine is being operated by a jerk who’s careless and mean besides and I’ve got other stories like how he would keep me waiting for like 2 hours even if there wasn’t anyone else around to see him because he’d be busy bitching out the receptionists about the wrong ‘ambience’ in the waiting room from the lights, because I mean, that’s so important, because y’know I only see the doctor if the ambience is right” implied, because otherwise it’s just not true, since if the doctor knows what he’s doing, you don’t actually feel it.

So, anyway, though, when you use contacts, they don’t coke up your eyes, so you can feel the chunk of plastic coming in contact with the eyeball and that’s really gross, and then it can go and ride up into the top of the eye and that’s so incredibly disgusting and I don’t know why anyone would want to do that. Because not only are glasses pretty, but they’re also better than the alternative of poking stuff in your eyeball. Because your eyes don’t like that. Cause, y’know, no one would like to have stuff poked into them.

Also, there’s a lot of other pretty ladies with glasses too, it’s just that a lot of them are people I know personally and “Oh, yeah, one of my best friends and her girlfriend both look really good with glasses” wouldn’t really hold a lot of sway with most people, because, y’know, no one here really knows who they are. So, you’ll just have to take my word on that that they’re both really pretty with glasses. Of course, they’re really pretty without them, but I like them with glasses more. I’ve got other friends who are ladies with glasses, but I won’t go into them, either, for the same reason.

This is why I also won’t mention that this one time I saw this one lady who normally had glasses, only this time she didn’t, and it was really weird, because without her glasses I could all see her face like a skull and it really creeped me out and I had to get out of there, because it was kind of weirding me out, cause I don’t want to see no one’s bones, OK? Anyway, though, I won’t mention this, just because no one knows who I’m talking about and it wouldn’t make a difference.

But really, I think when it comes down to it, most ladies are pretty anyway, and besides, it’s not a good thing to judge people by their prettiness, because that’s mean. Anyway, all the people I’ve talked about here are really good people anyway, glasses or not and whether they’re real or not (like the TV characters. Even the skull-lady is really good too; it just was a little creepy.). And there’s some ladies I’ve known who all the glasses in the world wouldn’t make them pretty, and that’s not because multiple pairs of glasses would look silly, but because they’re not nice people and that’s a really big major factor of prettiness is whether or not they’re good people. I’ve known a lot of ladies who you would think would be pretty from the way they look, but really aren’t because of the way they think and act. And that’s not cool.

Especially cause some of them have even had glasses.

I suppose the shallow side of me says that they can wear contacts all they want, cause I don’t care about how they look or if they poke out their eyes with chunks of plastic, but that’s sort of mean, and, well, contacts really creep me out anyway, so, y’know, I’m not sure if I’d recommend anyone wear them, but I guess anyone can if they really want to. But, like, if you’re on the fence between glasses and contacts, I would recommend you keep your glasses, even if you’re a mean and bad person who doesn’t think anything about taking advantage of people’s generosity and feelings and stuff. But ultimately, it’s your own decision, because they’re your eyeballs and if you want to poke stuff in them, that’s your prerogative, I guess. Even if I happen to think it’s a silly prerogative.

So, anyway, I guess glasses are only lady-enhancers if the lady doesn’t really need enhancing in the first place, because they’re already very, very pretty from being a good person.

It’s kind of funny how that works. I think most things that are like that work that way, how they only work if you don’t actually need them to work. Oh well, I still like ladies in glasses, as long as they’re good.

I like good people. And glasses.

 

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One comment

  1. Placenta Ovaries

    Agreed. The entire concept of contacts is completely traumatizing to me, and girls in glasses are totally fucking cute. “Lady-enhancers” is a very accurate way of putting it.

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