An Open Letter to Lady Gaga

Paparazzi (Lady Gaga song)

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I’ve just finished watching the new Lady Gaga video, “Paparazzi,” and I am sort of nonplussed about all of the attention she has been getting from all of the blogs, especially Perez Hilton (who I am NOT a fan of). I was urged by some friends to check her music out since “She’s kind of weird, and we know you like weird shit, Emily.” Anyhow, I checked her out. Here is my reaction to her music, which I have detailed in letter form to Ms. Gaga herself:

  • Your whole pretentious championing of yourself as a kind of “performance art” falls flat since your music is slutty dance pop. If Britney Spears dressed up like Nico all of a sudden but made the same shitty music, it wouldn’t be called “art” in any sense, it would still be the same shitty ass dance music.
  • And continuing about the pretentiousness: THIS IS MY TEA CUP, THIS IS MY ART, etc. Jesus. Give it a damn rest.
  • Most of your fans were probably born after the year 2000, so they probably don’t remember the band Missing Persons, who had a few hits in the early 1980s. Persons front woman Dale Bozzio was a Playboy bunny before she became a singer (very much how you were a stripper before you did music! HOW FEMINIST, I am not believing the “stripping is empowering” bullshit). Also, Dale Bozzio wore similar pantless, crazy outfits back in the day. Check out the videos for “Destination Unknown” and “Words”. No one was calling this performance art back then, just 1980s mindless dance pop (but VERY SUPERIOR mindless 1980s dance pop). If one wants performance art in the truest, craziest sense, look up a singer named Frank Tovey.
  • About the pantless outfits: you’re not the first person who has gone out on the town without wearing pants before. Shit, back in my more insane days, I may have hit a couple of clubs wearing outfits sans conventional trousers. It wasn’t for art’s sake, trust me…it was HOT in the club, and I looked very much like an escaped murderer. Kind of like how you look now.
  • Last but not least, most people argue with me “Gaga’s the new Madonna!” Ugh. I didn’t really like Madonna back then and I don’t like her now. She destroyed pop music in the early 1980s, true story.

Anyway, I hope this letter gives you some career advice; you might want to change up your game before people tire of it.

I can’t wait for any comments to roll in from this piece, like “OMG U R SUCH A H8TER, U R JUST JELES” and stuff like that…

 

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