An Open Letter to Lady Gaga

Paparazzi (Lady Gaga song)

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I’ve just finished watching the new Lady Gaga video, “Paparazzi,” and I am sort of nonplussed about all of the attention she has been getting from all of the blogs, especially Perez Hilton (who I am NOT a fan of). I was urged by some friends to check her music out since “She’s kind of weird, and we know you like weird shit, Emily.” Anyhow, I checked her out. Here is my reaction to her music, which I have detailed in letter form to Ms. Gaga herself:

  • Your whole pretentious championing of yourself as a kind of “performance art” falls flat since your music is slutty dance pop. If Britney Spears dressed up like Nico all of a sudden but made the same shitty music, it wouldn’t be called “art” in any sense, it would still be the same shitty ass dance music.
  • And continuing about the pretentiousness: THIS IS MY TEA CUP, THIS IS MY ART, etc. Jesus. Give it a damn rest.
  • Most of your fans were probably born after the year 2000, so they probably don’t remember the band Missing Persons, who had a few hits in the early 1980s. Persons front woman Dale Bozzio was a Playboy bunny before she became a singer (very much how you were a stripper before you did music! HOW FEMINIST, I am not believing the “stripping is empowering” bullshit). Also, Dale Bozzio wore similar pantless, crazy outfits back in the day. Check out the videos for “Destination Unknown” and “Words”. No one was calling this performance art back then, just 1980s mindless dance pop (but VERY SUPERIOR mindless 1980s dance pop). If one wants performance art in the truest, craziest sense, look up a singer named Frank Tovey.
  • About the pantless outfits: you’re not the first person who has gone out on the town without wearing pants before. Shit, back in my more insane days, I may have hit a couple of clubs wearing outfits sans conventional trousers. It wasn’t for art’s sake, trust me…it was HOT in the club, and I looked very much like an escaped murderer. Kind of like how you look now.
  • Last but not least, most people argue with me “Gaga’s the new Madonna!” Ugh. I didn’t really like Madonna back then and I don’t like her now. She destroyed pop music in the early 1980s, true story.

Anyway, I hope this letter gives you some career advice; you might want to change up your game before people tire of it.

I can’t wait for any comments to roll in from this piece, like “OMG U R SUCH A H8TER, U R JUST JELES” and stuff like that…

 

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12 comments

  1. Rev. Syung Myung Me

    She totally is Dale Bozzio.

    Speaking of which, I bought the Missing Persons record a long time ago — the singles are both really great AND the band is made up of entirely Zappa Alumni (including Dale, who sings on a few of ’em, notably _Joe’s Garage_), and… dang, what a let down.

    As for Lady Gaga — I actually do think she’s pretty good (way better than Madonna who I am likewise with you on), but I don’t know much about her, nor do I know if I’d buy her record. But the singles are really hooky (haven’t seen the Paparazzi video yet, but soon). I really like “Just Dance” and “Poker Face”. Or, rather, “Poker Face” has a REALLY great hook, and the rest of the song is pretty good/catchy, but the muffin-related rap is kinda dippy.

    Basically, I’m just sayin’, while I dig her, she’s obviously no t.A.T.u.

  2. emilyc

    I guess I am a H8TER :) I’m totally gonna get my a** kicked by her pretty soon.

    Anyhow, I respect everyone’s opinions, she’s just not my thing personally…Missing Persons FTW!

  3. Rev. Syung Myung Me

    Do you actually like the other Missing Persons stuff other than the singles? I’m just curious – I’ve tried the rest of Spring Session M a couple times, and couldn’t ever get into it, so I ripped “Words” and “Destination Unknown” and gave the CD away, heh….

  4. Less Lee Moore

    …that I’m proud I’ve never heard/seen Lady GaGa? It is kind of like how I went for almost a year without hearing “My Humps” and even to this date, I’ve only heard it that one time.

    I just wanted to commiserate with you on wearing pantsless outfits back in my wilder, younger days.

  5. Rev. Syung Myung Me

    “My Humps” is possibly the worst song ever. I find it amazing that they found a way to make boobs and asses sound so deeply UN-SEXY. I mean “My Humps/My lovely lady lumps”? It sounds friggin’ CANCEROUS.

  6. Less Lee Moore

    “it sounds friggin’ CANCEROUS!”

    Maybe the follow up hit should be “My Biopsies.”

  7. Rev. Syung Myung Me

    “My Malignancy”?

    “My Sexy-Lady-Stylee Tumors”?

    “My Breasts That Are Riddled With Unchecked Cell-Growth (But Not In A Sexy, Uniform Way That Might Be Like I Don’t Know Built-In Implants Or Something)”?

  8. Rev. Syung Myung Me

    So I finally watched the actual video for “Paparazzi”! Hooray!

    The song is… oh-kaaay I guess; not really anything special as far as I can tell.

    I do like the video, though — Jonas Akerlund is a pretty good video director; if they do those Directors Label discs anymore, he’d be a pretty good candidate.

    Parts of it were sorta eh — the parts of LG writhing on the couch singing the song as in Just About Every Other Pop Video were lame. I REALLY liked the part where she’s dancing with the crutches, and the end scene where she’s in the weird yellow dress and glasses reminded me of the Pet Shop Boys videos from the Very era. The setup was OK — but basically where it fell apart was where it was sort of “Oh, OK, we need to do things like every other pop video”. The couch-writhing, the middle scene where she was just dancing normally, the 100-dollar bills with her instead of Ben Franklin. Cut those out, and I think it would have been a Lot better. Maybe if she’d spent the entire video either completely paralyzed (as when she’s getting carried into the wheelchair), or only on the crutches awkwardly. That was really cool and Not What You’d Expect From A Pop Singer. The other bits were just a little too Britney Spears; I don’t know if the Really Pop Singer Video-y bits were supposed to be an ironic comment on Really Pop Singer Video-y Videos or not — regardless, it’s one of those cases where you can’t stare into the void or it’ll stare back into you. Having/Cake/Eating and other such cliches.

  9. Less Lee Moore

    “My Breasts That Are Riddled With Unchecked Cell-Growth (But Not In A Sexy, Uniform Way That Might Be Like I Don’t Know Built-In Implants Or Something)”?

    Now you’re just copying Morrissey, come on.

  10. emilyc

    I had Spring Sessions M on vinyl as a teenager, liked it a great deal but haven’t listened to it in ages and ages….

    Agreed about “My Humps” as well. I thought it was about scoliosis back braces or something. I was traumatized since I have scoliosis…ugh

  11. Jessica

    The great thing about Lady Gaga and her fans. Just don’t care what people think of us. You don’t have to listen to her music, like it, like her, or even consider it art. Because who cares? No one’s changing for you or anyone else. And we don’t expect you to change. It’s no big deal. If you really feel she’s horrible and you just really dispise her, ignore her.

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