Corpophilia: The Raid

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“Mr. Grey?”

“Yes, Pinkerton?”

“I’ve got a little bit of bad news.”

“What’s that?”

“We’ve just been raided.”

“What?”

“We’ve just been raided.”


“I heard you the first time… what do you mean, though… how can they raid us? We’re the strongest nationcompany on Earth®!”

“True, but when USAInc. went public, you owned a controlling interest.”

“Yes, of course I did, so how did it happen?”

“Well, you know those times when you needed money?”

“Yeah, I had a little bit of financial trouble so I sold some of my stock. Those DTR tapes are expensive!”

“Well, about 2 months ago you sold too many of your shares. You still had enough to remain as CEO, but that just set the gears in motion.”

“You mean…?”

“Yes. You’re no longer the CEO of USAInc. Just now the final open share changed hands that was needed to give the new owner enough shares.”? “And who is the new owner, may I ask?”

“Well, it is one Richard Branson, Jr.”

“Dickie Branson bought USAInc?!”

“Yes, he thought it’d be a nice jewel in the Virgin crown. After all, he already bought The United Kingdom, Ltd.”

“This is terrible! What are we going to do?”

“Well, it says here that Branson is going to downsize most of the workers, but he did say that he’d continue to employ us. We’d still be doing pretty much what we do now, except that we’d have to answer to him.”

“Well, that’s not entirely bad, I guess.”

“Yes, it could be worse. Although we are receiving pay cuts. And we have to change our names.”

“We’re both Mr. USAInc?”

“No, actually, we’re both Mr. Virgin. Remember, you take the parent company’s name. The only people who get to keep their chosen names are the CEOs and their immediate assistants.”

“We’re not immediate assistants? Blast… I thought that ‘Grey’ was a good last name. I chose it myself. I was descended from the people who made the tea.”

“You weren’t descended from Earl Grey, you just like to tell people that because it sounds better than that you bought ‘Grey’ because you liked the color. At any rate, though I liked ‘Pinkerton’ as well. I was descended from the original detective, and unlike you, I can prove it.”

“Hey, I’m still you’re superior, even if I don’t have my name anymore! Anyway, what about our jobs? I thought you said we’d be doing the same thing we are now!”

“Well, we will be, yes, but Branson wanted to put us in our place, as it were. Our job titles have also been reduced to… let’s see… yes, ‘Heads In Charge of Losing the Company’.”

“Stupid snot-nosed brat, I really can’t stand him… and I thought his father was bad. That’s nepotism for you, though; letting an 13 year old run a international mega-corporation.”

“I’m just as dissatisfied with him as you are, but we must remember that he IS our boss.”

“Yes, I know. Hopefully he’ll just let us alone to do our work.”

“I really hope so, sir.”

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